Saturday, March 26, 2011

Judy Grimes Ain't Got Nothing On Me!

If you don't know who Judy Grimes is, you HAVE to watch this SNL clip.  If you don't you'll never GET IT!!

Do you ever wonder what's going on in my life when I'm not blogging?  Generally, I'm working, pretending to be a good Mommie (or at least one that avoids having SRS called on her), or Swagging (I will NOT be ashamed of something that will buy me a new computer and pay for Christmas).

However, if you happen to catch me in a moment of idleness, don't ever for one minute believe that there's nothing going on.  Here's a glimpse at the thoughts inside my brain straight as they come out.  No... seriously, I just decided to start rambling SNL style on my girlfriends facebook because I knew she was busy with some quantum physics equations that are kicking the shit out of her braincells.  And when she didn't read them as fast as I'd have liked... I started texting her.  (To hell with her studies... I was BORED!!  That is an EMERGENCY!)

So here you go, straight from my brain (and yes, I know you'd all have preferred I do this Vlog-style, but frankly, I've got Swag hair and it's too late to apply makeup.  You're getting the transcribed version just like she did.

Disclaimer:  According to my girlfriend you should probably take a few deep breaths before you start reading this.  That way your brain has a little built up oxygen when you fall out of your chair laughing.  I will not be held responsible for coffee burns, wet pants, or traumatized brain cells.

Now you can all take a deep breath and be very thankful I don't get bored and come raid YOUR facebook walls for my own entertainment.

It should probably be noted that the very next day, I posted this picture on her wall for the whole world to see.

 Don't look at me like that!!  There's a reason I posted it.  It had to do with a conversation about having to send bloodhounds out to bring back survivors.  You definitely don't want any more detail than that.  As much as I know you all have a great sense of humor... if you really knew what goes on in my mind you would run screaming out the door!  Thank goodness my best girl lives too far away to have me committed.... plus she's knows damn well I'd rat her crazy ass in too because if I'm sharing a padded cell with anyone it's gonna be that bitch.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

How Crazy is Your Relationship?

Please complete the following survey by PWT!

Does your significant other ever make you (check all that apply):

[ ] laugh until you cry
[ ] laugh at their stupidity
[ ] laugh at your stupidity
[ ] laugh at how stupid everyone is
[ ] want to slap the laughter right off their face

[ ] want to kiss them
[ ] want to hug them
[ ] want to violate them *wink*
[ ] want to strangle them
[ ] want to hide their body in a shallow grave

[ ] dream of some romantic getaway with them
[ ] dream of some romantic getaway without them
[ ] dream about the years to come
[ ] dream about disappearing to some remote island with them
[ ] dream about disappearing to another country without them

[ ] want to put off having babies so you can just enjoy each other
[ ] want to have their babies
[ ] want to never have any more of their babies
[ ] want to prevent them from ever having babies
[ ] want to use them as a poster child for birth control

[ ] consider medicating them
[ ] consider medicating yourself
[ ] consider slipping them a roofie
[ ] consider slipping them some xanex
[ ] consider slipping them some arsenic

[ ] want to murder someone
[ ] want to murder them
[ ] question if prison is really so bad
[ ] want to grow old with them
[ ] want to grow old with their social security benefits

[ ] believe in a higher power
[ ] denounce your higher power
[ ] pray to a higher power
[ ] cuss at a higher power
[ ] want to march up there and slap the shit out of whichever high power is in charge

[ ] feel like a kid again
[ ] feel like a teenager
[ ] feel like a psychopathic lunatic
[ ] feel like an old woman/man
[ ] feel like you're dead

[ ] happier than anyone else in the world
[ ] angrier than anyone else in the world
[ ] crazier than anyone else in the world
[ ] want to have them committed
[ ] want to have yourself committed

[ ] think about how lucky you are
[ ] think about how perfect your life is
[ ] think about how everything just seems to work out for the best
[ ] think about how you should increase the life insurance coverage
[ ] think about how many years you'd have left on your sentence if you'd have killed them the first time you thought about it
Now count how many questions you answered yes to and lets see how your relationship fairs on the crazy charts...

If you answered yes to...

... 33-50:
Congratulations!  You have a perfectly normal, neurotic, chemically imbalanced relationship just like the rest of the population.  You completely understand the concept of "can't live with them and just can't shoot them".  Or maybe you don't... maybe you did shoot them... maybe they are buried in the backyard... either way... I totally get it and your secret's safe with me!
... 17-32:
Are you sure you read the survey correctly?  You're not drinking again are you?  Because I'm telling you right now... You need help!  There is absolutely nothing normal about this result.  The only possible explanation for this is that your significant other is living on another planet.  Either that or they are some mutant alien that has warped your mind beyond reason.  You can't be in a relationship with your geranium... you know that right?  You scare me... please step back to the edge of the room.
... 0-16:
If you know someone who scores in this range you need to be very very VERY concerned about them.  This person is either extremely delusional on a rainbows and butterflies poop Skittles level.  OR  They are extremely delusional on the I'll cut your heart out and feed it to my pet rock level.  Either way... back away slowly, make no sudden movements, and make a note of all possible exits.  If your significant other took this quiz and scored in this range you should pack your bags quietly in the middle of the night and slip away to Mexico with whatever's in the checking account.  Don't leave a paper trail... this person is beyond insane!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Why I've Been Scarce!

I know, I know... you are totally missing out on all my witty and ridiculously wonderful ramblings.  You're all dying to know what it is I've been up to that has been interfering with my blogging abilities!  I'll tell you!

I've been making myself some extra fun money!  FREE fun money!!

Sound too good to be true?  Free money?  Yeah right!!  The Princess has gone off the deep end and OD'ed on the Dutch's whacky weed!  There's just no such things as free money in this day and age!


In the last 15 days I've managed to make $25 in Amazon Gift Cards by simply doing what I normally do on my days off... Goofing off on the computer.

Are you dying to know how I did it?

It's easy.  You just sign up for a free account and you're good to go.  Okay... so you have to put some effort into it... yes.  You have to do something to earn the points to earn the prizes... but you don't have to break a sweat!

Once you've signed up, you have the option to download the toolbar which will let you easily access all the ways to earn points.  BUT (for those of you download phobics) YOU DON'T HAVE TO!  You can access all the same things by simply starting on the site's homepage.

So what do you do?
Use their search engine...
About 3-4 times a day, you'll be awarded Swagbucks just for using their search.  Now I won't lie to you.  The search results generally suck.  I do not use their engine for important things.  But say I'm researching the family tree... might as well pop the names into the SB engine to see what I get.  Or if I need to go to YouTube (which for some ridiculous reason I've never bookmarked) use the search engine.  Or... get ridiculous and search the most messed up thing you can think of... like the word "Troglodyte" which landed me 7Swagbucks yesterday!!

Next, take a daily poll...
That's an easy point

Then hit the NOSO...
2 points for clicking 'SKIP OFFER' 5 times.

Watch SwagTV for DIY videos...
3 points for every 10 videos (max 75 points/day)

Play their games...
randomly awarded 2 points

Check for surveys...
1 point just for checking.  Plus surveys for 50, 100, even 150 points.

Complete tasks...
time consuming, but if you're in the mood they can land you 80 points.

Watch videos in the Special Offers...
generally 2 points each... some you can watch multiple times.

Fill out offers...
unlimited point possibilities

Buy stuff...
Shop the special offers, or access your favorite stores through the site and earn 2 points for every $1 you spend!

Refer your friends...
Every time they get points for a search... you get points (up to a max of 1000/referral)
Get the drift?  It's what you're already doing to kill the time in front of your computer screen.

Some negatives you should know about...
1) You'll want to use a 'special' email account because if you choose to do Special Offers you know there will be junk mail involved.

2) Only 1 account per household.  They are firm on this and will shut down all accounts for a violation.

3) You CANNOT make a living out of this.

But if you spend as much time online as I do, you can earn a hefty amount of extra spending cash.

How much?  It depends on how much you use it of course.

An e-gift card costs 450 points (other gift cards and prizes are available for different amounts).  I've earned 2349 points in 15 days.  That will buy me five $5 gift cards (which is the max per denomination each month -- I can still save for a larger $25 or $50 card) and by the end of the month I'll be about halfway to a $50 card (which costs 5900 points).

To put it in a larger perspective...  I'll have a new laptop by October and it won't cost me a dime.

So what do you have to do to get in on the deal?

First... if you want to check it all out for yourself, you go to the website and look around. (Please use my referral link below to actually register).

THEN... if you're satisfied that you want to join, you use my referral link HERE to sign up.  Why do I want you to use my link?  It's not that I get points when you join (I don't)... but if you join and decide to really get into it, I get points every time you hit a search reward.  So yes, it helps me... but I'm not recruiting you because it helps me.  I'm recruiting you because... Who can't spend a little extra cash at  Seriously, maybe you're not that into it, and you just earn enough for a Kindle book here and there (or a new DVD).  Maybe you go gung-ho and save for a big ticket treat you know you can't fit in your budget (like a new iPad?)

The Amazon gift cards are an e-code... it takes about 10-15 days to get the code after you cash out the points, but once you get it, you can put it directly into your Amazon account and you'll have a credit.  The Queen passed on two codes to me today which started me out with an Amazon credit of $10.  I've since cashed in $20 more dollars worth that I will receive in a couple of weeks.

You can earn $300 a year just cashing in enough points for five $5 cards each month (this is my cousins goal to pay for Christmas for her 3 kids).

So while I realize you are missing me and all my Royal antics, I must confess... I've got laptop fever... I'm working my fingers off to get my hands on a new Royal toy for MEMEMEMEMEMEME ME!!  After that, I intend to spoil the O.C. rotten with all my extra points.

Again... this is totally worth it (okay, honestly... it's not worth it if you're looking at it as an hourly wage... but if you are looking at it from the perspective of getting paid for time you're normally wasting... then it is TOTALLY WORTH IT!)

JOIN US (no really... come to the swag side... we have Amazon Gift Cards!!!)

You never know... I might decide to offer up a prize to the first person who earns the 450 points needed for an Amazon Gift Card.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Don't Duct Tape the Momma!

The difference between the almost right word & the right word is really a large matter--it's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.

-Mark Twain 1888
It will come as no surprise to you that I am not a supporter of censorship.  The fact is, I abhor the very thought of it.  That is not to say that children should not be censored against things that are inappropriate to their age.  I certainly don't think my daughter needs to be watching the Saturday night Cinemax.  However, so many people take censorship to such an extreme that it becomes detrimental to the individual as well as to society as a whole.

Censorship certainly has it's purpose.  It creates a sense of order and civility in certain situations.  We can all probably agree that if you want to get along with your neighbors you shouldn't stand on your front porch yelling at the COAL BURNER across the street about her JUNGLE BUNNIES and their ridiculously loud music.  If you are brazen enough to mouth off to the local JIGABOO, I would certainly think it acceptable for them to call you a HONKY CRACKER in return (though consider yourself lucky if that's all the retaliation you get)!

Good censorship is simply knowing when to keep your mouth shut!  You shouldn't stand up during the Sunday sermon and call the preacher a COCK-SUCKING SON OF A WHORE (even if he is one).

Good censorship is when the judge holds you in contempt for repeatedly referring to your ex-husband as a "nutless circus monkey with the brains of two day old cunt-cheese".  (you're giving the court reporter carpal tunnel making her type all that)

Good censorship is telling a student he got an "F" on his assignment instead of telling him he's a "lazy-ass waste of oxygen who doesn't have the brains god gave a fish fart!"

Good censorship is making it so the radically imbalanced douchebags would not be permitted to protest at a funeral (because there's only time for so many funerals in a day!)

There are definitely times when censorship is an important part of life.  It keeps organized meetings from getting out of control.  It keeps us civil with most of the population we surround ourselves with.  And most importantly... it keeps us alive!  (Because you know how many times I'd have been murdered if I never censored myself?)

Despite these practical (and necessary) uses, as a general rule of thumb... CENSORSHIP IS CRAP!

If I am a big enough douchebag to walk onto the REZ and yell something about "PRAIRIE NIGGERS" then I deserve to get my ass beat down out by the dumpsters.  But guess what?  I'm a grown-up who should have known what would happen.  I don't need someone following me around with a black "censored" bar and a fog horn to bleep out my stupidity.

If I answer the phone to find a thick accent trying to coax me out of my bank account numbers, I reserve the right to call him a RAG-HEADED CAMEL JOCKEY!!

If my co-worker makes some comment about my dumbass antics, I reserve the right to refer to him as a Wetback, Beaner or the ever offensive... MEXICAN (because referring to someone's nationality is soooooo offensive!).

And in case you are curious, my new favorite 'slur' is "Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey" (aka... the French)

Maybe I am being RUDE.  Maybe I am being VULGAR.  Maybe I am even being OFFENSIVE!  But I am PROUD to live in a country that protects my right to be a nasty, arogant, rednecked, bigot... if I so choose to be.

Do you know what radical censorship will get you?

Farhenhiet 541

Censorship does not make life more peaceful by eliminating the offensive.  Instead, it makes people more complacent, more mind-numbing, more ignorant, and more oblivious. 

Censorship is the exact opposite of INTELLEGENCE!  You cannot learn, expand, grow, and evolve if your vision of the world is being constantly censored.

Censorship ERASES history!  It bans books because the content is provoking.  It rewrites classics because the language is offensive.  It shuns authors because the topics are controversial.

Censorship is the isolation of knowledge.  Just as an abuser may isolate his victims to make them powerless, those who wish to control others may begin by censoring their environment.  People who are not allowed to speak, or read, or question certain topics are easier to control.  Censored people are ignorant people.  Ignorant people are easily made complacent.

So when I hear that BLOGGER has decided to CENSOR a fellow blogger... let alone a fellow ROYAL!  I am pissed... I am pissed right now!  And to know that it was most certainly for a ridiculous reason makes me even more irate on the topic.  She was not censored because she made a racial threat.  Not because she posted some nasty porn.  Not because she'd gone completely over the deep end and was viewed completely unstable (and armed).  NOOOOO!  She was censored because she wrote a factual story relating true events in a reasonable manner.  I'm not kidding.  Blogger did not like her use of terminology.  And by 'censored' I do not mean they just blocked her blog post.  NOOOO!  They shut down her entire blog and offered it up for anyone to take.  SHUT IT DOWN!!

And to top it all off... her explanation of the matter was also removed from blogger (though I haven't recieved difinitive word on whether that was her choice or another act of Blogger.)

This is a simply ridiculous form of censorship.
I do not write for blogger.  I believe that every person that stumbles onto a blog understands that the words represented on a page are the thoughts of the author and do not directly reflect the opinions and beliefs of the hosting site.

What will be next?  Will Blogger censor my posts on my religious beliefs because they feel they are not appropriate?  Will Blogger censor my posts on my family issues because I am not politically correct?  Will Blogger put an end to the battle between the Princesses because we throw around enough vulgarities to put a Naval battleship to shame?

I will NOT allow Blogger to be a tyrant in my life.  I will say nigger, wetback, spic, chink, cunt eye, flip, spook, tarbaby, greaser, kike, wagon-burner, zipperhead, and coon if the mood so pleases me.  I will feel free to use fuck, shit, hell, piss, damn, cunt, cock, asshole, bitch, slut, whore, skank, trogladite, douchebag, jackass, and Barbara Steisand!!
(bet that paragraph inspires a ton of search results!)

So I challenge you bloggers to speak your minds on this.  Censoring our personal blogs for stupid reasons is unacceptable.  I will not have my personal thoughts confined to someone else's personal dictionary.  These words are my own!  They are my thoughts, beliefs, and values.  Things that I find humorous.  Things I find valuable.  Things I just want to share because they made (or ruined) my day!

I will say these things with whatever terminology I feel is appropriate.  And as far as I'm concerned, Blogger (and anyone else who wants to complain) can take their overly sensitive, cry-baby, snot-guzzling, ass wrinkles and stuff them up the back side of a enema-filled gay rhinocerus.

So without further ramblings of my insanely irritated mental status... I give you my message to blogger:

Feel free to post this same message on your own blog if you like.

Most certainly, SPEAK OUT ABOUT THIS... because the truth is... you could be next!

And if you do nothing else... at least pop over and leave Momma Fargo some blog love because having your voice squashed by an anonymous power figure definitely calls for some sort of commendation.  Hell... I've been at this shit for ages and I thought I'd thrown out every insult and vulgarity know... I have yet to achieve such an accomplishment.