Judy Grimes Ain't Got Nothing On Me!

If you don't know who Judy Grimes is, you HAVE to watch this SNL clip.  If you don't you'll never GET IT!!

Do you ever wonder what's going on in my life when I'm not blogging?  Generally, I'm working, pretending to be a good Mommie (or at least one that avoids having SRS called on her), or Swagging (I will NOT be ashamed of something that will buy me a new computer and pay for Christmas).

However, if you happen to catch me in a moment of idleness, don't ever for one minute believe that there's nothing going on.  Here's a glimpse at the thoughts inside my brain straight as they come out.  No... seriously, I just decided to start rambling SNL style on my girlfriends facebook because I knew she was busy with some quantum physics equations that are kicking the shit out of her braincells.  And when she didn't read them as fast as I'd have liked... I started texting her.  (To hell with her studies... I was BORED!!  That is an EMERGENCY!)

So here you go, straight from my brain (and yes, I know you'd all have preferred I do this Vlog-style, but frankly, I've got Swag hair and it's too late to apply makeup.  You're getting the transcribed version just like she did.

Disclaimer:  According to my girlfriend you should probably take a few deep breaths before you start reading this.  That way your brain has a little built up oxygen when you fall out of your chair laughing.  I will not be held responsible for coffee burns, wet pants, or traumatized brain cells.

Now you can all take a deep breath and be very thankful I don't get bored and come raid YOUR facebook walls for my own entertainment.

It should probably be noted that the very next day, I posted this picture on her wall for the whole world to see.

 Don't look at me like that!!  There's a reason I posted it.  It had to do with a conversation about having to send bloodhounds out to bring back survivors.  You definitely don't want any more detail than that.  As much as I know you all have a great sense of humor... if you really knew what goes on in my mind you would run screaming out the door!  Thank goodness my best girl lives too far away to have me committed.... plus she's knows damn well I'd rat her crazy ass in too because if I'm sharing a padded cell with anyone it's gonna be that bitch.

How Crazy is Your Relationship?

Please complete the following survey by PWT!

Does your significant other ever make you (check all that apply):

[ ] laugh until you cry
[ ] laugh at their stupidity
[ ] laugh at your stupidity
[ ] laugh at how stupid everyone is
[ ] want to slap the laughter right off their face

[ ] want to kiss them
[ ] want to hug them
[ ] want to violate them *wink*
[ ] want to strangle them
[ ] want to hide their body in a shallow grave

[ ] dream of some romantic getaway with them
[ ] dream of some romantic getaway without them
[ ] dream about the years to come
[ ] dream about disappearing to some remote island with them
[ ] dream about disappearing to another country without them

[ ] want to put off having babies so you can just enjoy each other
[ ] want to have their babies
[ ] want to never have any more of their babies
[ ] want to prevent them from ever having babies
[ ] want to use them as a poster child for birth control

[ ] consider medicating them
[ ] consider medicating yourself
[ ] consider slipping them a roofie
[ ] consider slipping them some xanex
[ ] consider slipping them some arsenic

[ ] want to murder someone
[ ] want to murder them
[ ] question if prison is really so bad
[ ] want to grow old with them
[ ] want to grow old with their social security benefits

[ ] believe in a higher power
[ ] denounce your higher power
[ ] pray to a higher power
[ ] cuss at a higher power
[ ] want to march up there and slap the shit out of whichever high power is in charge

[ ] feel like a kid again
[ ] feel like a teenager
[ ] feel like a psychopathic lunatic
[ ] feel like an old woman/man
[ ] feel like you're dead

[ ] happier than anyone else in the world
[ ] angrier than anyone else in the world
[ ] crazier than anyone else in the world
[ ] want to have them committed
[ ] want to have yourself committed

[ ] think about how lucky you are
[ ] think about how perfect your life is
[ ] think about how everything just seems to work out for the best
[ ] think about how you should increase the life insurance coverage
[ ] think about how many years you'd have left on your sentence if you'd have killed them the first time you thought about it

Now count how many questions you answered yes to and lets see how your relationship fairs on the crazy charts...

If you answered yes to...

... 33-50:

Congratulations!  You have a perfectly normal, neurotic, chemically imbalanced relationship just like the rest of the population.  You completely understand the concept of "can't live with them and just can't shoot them".  Or maybe you don't... maybe you did shoot them... maybe they are buried in the backyard... either way... I totally get it and your secret's safe with me!

... 17-32:

Are you sure you read the survey correctly?  You're not drinking again are you?  Because I'm telling you right now... You need help!  There is absolutely nothing normal about this result.  The only possible explanation for this is that your significant other is living on another planet.  Either that or they are some mutant alien that has warped your mind beyond reason.  You can't be in a relationship with your geranium... you know that right?  You scare me... please step back to the edge of the room.

... 0-16:

If you know someone who scores in this range you need to be very very VERY concerned about them.  This person is either extremely delusional on a rainbows and butterflies poop Skittles level.  OR  They are extremely delusional on the I'll cut your heart out and feed it to my pet rock level.  Either way... back away slowly, make no sudden movements, and make a note of all possible exits.  If your significant other took this quiz and scored in this range you should pack your bags quietly in the middle of the night and slip away to Mexico with whatever's in the checking account.  Don't leave a paper trail... this person is beyond insane!