The Royal VIP List

This is of course my little corner of the world. 
And here, my power is ABSOLUTE!

But it takes more than one neurotic monarch waving around her bejeweled hand to make the world go round.  Like I plan on breaking a nail over some peasant crisis!

So without further ado, I give you the Who's Who amongst Royals and my version of how everyone became part of our big happy family.  And while some may say my facts are misconstrued, I am forced to remind them...

We're not against BEHEADINGS in this Empire!

Who's Who Amongst Royals

Name:  The Queen
Website: The Queen of WTF?, The Healing House, and  The Royal Diner
Current Title:  The Queen of WTF 
How She Came to be Family:  The Queen earned this right fair and square after nine months of pregnancy, many hours of labor, and one broken tailbone.  At least that's her side of the story.  I know for a fact that she found me in a crashed spaceship.  Since I was utterly adorable and precious she took me home and raised me as her own.  Every year at Christmas I hoped I'd get a BIG BOX so I could rebuild my spaceship and fly back to my real parents.  Unfortunately, gin and Xanex both come in small boxes, so by the time I actually got my dream box, my ass was too fat to lift off the ground!  Now I'm stuck here on this puny planet!  And that, my dear reader, is the REAL reason I aspire for world domination!
Why I love her:  Could be she's a neurotic lush which makes for great entertainment.  Could be she loved and nurtured me my whole life.  Or it could just be she's full of amazingly admirable traits... like mixing a good drink and kicking some ass without breaking a nail.

Name: The Dutchess of Dorkville
Current Title: While The Dutch has joined The Queen at the Royal Retirement Home, she still retains her title as The Dutchess of Dorkville
How She Came to be Family:  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that The Dutch is clearly the long lost sister of The Queen.  Spend any time in the company of the two and you will be convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Why I love her:  She makes rock your socks brownies!  That and her no holds barred, kick ass attitude make her a great Aunt.  Plus, even though she's always said that she was next in line for the crown, I knew she was never a threat because ruling the kingdom required too much sobriety.

Name:  The Dame
Website: This Mama Shops
Current Title:  The Dame of the Penis Platter
How She Came to be Family:  It's not very often the Royals find someone who is clearly a long lost relative.  But that was exactly the case when we stumbled across The Dame.  She was loyal, snarky, and had a knack for keeping The Dutchess in a chemically induced pseudo-coma.  That is a talent that simply cannot be overlooked in this family.  Without any further thought she was adopted and has pulled her own weight ever since.
Why I Love Her:  Like I said, she keeps The Dutch in an inebriated state which in turn keeps The Dutch from staging a royal uprising.  On top of that, she's totally sassy and unabashed.  She has a great sense of humor and is UBER-talented.  What's not to love about all that?

Name: Miss C
Website: Miss' Boudoir
Current Title: The Royal Vet
How She Came to be Family: It became very clear after The Queen installed the gator moat that we were going to be in need of some extra help.  Sure, they were all cute and I'll snap your finger off when The Queen rescued them from the sewers years ago.  But now days, those gators are full grown meat mangling machines.  They do come in handy from time to time when things get too out of control around here.  I can't tell you how many times I've had to shrug my shoulders to a missing person's report though.  I'm sorry.  The path around that moat is overgrown and dangerous.  We've tried to discourage the public from trespassing, but some people are just over-zealous thrill-seekers.  What can you do?  Miss C is also responsible for numerous royal pets and the occasional reckless vacation souvenier!
Why I Love Her:
Have you ever had to clean up gator vomit?  Enough said!  But on top of that, she's pretty good about slipping a horse tranquilizer in The Queen's gin anytime she gets all Queen Mother on us!

The following profiles are currently under construction: Oh shut up!  This shit takes time to pull out of my genius brain and frankly I wouldn't want to sprain a finger or chip my polish due to over exertion.  Ever hear of carpal tunnel?  Yeah!  You think I'm a whiney, tiara-wearing, diamond-flashing, pampered Royal now... you've never seen me injured!

Name: The Ogre Child
Website: Ogre Child: Tales of the Royal Terrorist
Current Title: The Royal TerroristHow She Came to be Family:
Why I Love Her:

Name: Ariana
Website: Taking Off the MasksCurrent Title: The Royal Head of Security
How She Came to be Family:
Why I Love Her:
Name: Nikki
Website: The Lunatic Cafe
Current Title:
The Royal BartenderHow She Came to be Family:
Why I Love Her:
Name: Ange
Website: Names Will Not Be ChangedCurrent Title: The Royal Lawyer
How She Came to be Family:
Why I Love Her:

Name: Ducky
Website: Batcrap Crazy
Current Title: The Royal Duck
How She Came to be Family:
Why I Love Her:
Name: Momma Fargo
Website: The Boogie Man is My FriendCurrent Title: The Royal Cop
How She Came to be Family:
Why I Love Her:

Name: Kelly
Website: Mommy's Kicking Cancer's Ass
Current Title:
The Royal Housewife
How She Came to be Family:
Why I Love Her:
Website: The Chicken's Consigliere
Current Title: Princess Chicken
How She Came to be Family:
Why I Love Her: