Thursday, September 30, 2010

It's Alive (barely)

Want to know what I've been doing since last Thursday?

Okay... so maybe that's a bit drastic.  My eyes aren't leaking and my nose has been limited to a slow drip.  It's not swine flu... but I'm not ruling out some strange zombie flu (since that's about how I felt).

I've seriously never had a 'bug' like this in my life.

The onset?  Thursday at 10AM - The biggest yawning fit I've ever had in my life.  I literally couldn't catch my breath.  It was just yawn after yawn until I felt like I was going to pass out from yawning.  And in case you think I'm over-exaggerating... the next day my ribs hurt like I'd had major coughing fits... only I hadn't coughed once!  The yawning fit was immediately followed by feverish chills and nausea.  I felt better after I ate and took some Tylenol at noon.  But by that evening I was literally shivering from the fever (which was only 100.5)

I had to work through 'til Saturday and by Sunday my muscles were so sore I could barely stand it.  By Monday/Tuesday my thigh muscles felt like someone had parked a car on top of them.

And just like that... Wednesday it was gone.  I felt great... a bit tired, but GREAT!  Today... my left sinus is acting up, but nothing major.

I've never had a cold that didn't make me feel sick.  My body felt like it'd been ran over by a herd of buffalo and my internal thermostat was swinging back and forth worse than a menopausal woman.  But I never really felt 'sick'.

With that being said...

Yes, Amy... I saw the gifts and I chuckled.  I promise I'll come back and leave a comment when I feel like spending a few more minutes at the computer.  (I'm stealing CB's shoes BTW!)

Yes Queen... I voted for you (when I wasn't trying to kick you out of my palace).  It's not my fault you didn't win... even sick I get the vote out when it's needed.

Yes CB... I saw you're on LAZIcation again!  So I'm jacking the shoes Amy (and Sir) gave you so I can make a few bucks on the street!

Yes Dutch... I saw you flashing your tits!  I've told you a hundred times that we get paid for that shit!  But since it's for a good cause, I guess we'll forgive you!


And YES... I saw the security team has been picked... and I DO have something to say about it... as well as some 'private' positions to hire out... but it's going to have to wait until my brain and body completely catch up to each other (doesn't Amy have a pill for this?)


And yes DONDA... I saw your posts... and... HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!  I DEFINATELY have something to say about that... but again... it's going to have to wait!


And yes... my dear READERS/READEES... I've been reading... I'm just not quite back to being me yet.

Provided I don't turn into a zombie by Tuesday (that's Day 13) then I think the coast is clear.

If my posts suddenly start making less sense than usual...



mumbama jsd... BRAINS!!!..... mraaaaawr!!!  NOM NOM!!  RAWRRRRRR!

You can presume I'm gone for good... or I'm watching Resident Evil and eating cheetos... it's kinda a toss up!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I'm From Kansas. Hell Will Be a Cakewalk!

For those of you who don't know, I was born into a theologically clusterfuck!  You think I'm kidding?
I never kid about this shit...

My paternal genetic provider was an 'old-school' Mormon.  If you don't know what I mean by that, you probably ought to brush up on my family tree.  That alone is enough to justify a permanent on-call therapist.  But I'm telling you, it gets better.
My Dad was Baptist.
My Grandfather's family is Methodist.
My Grandmother's family is Lutheran.
My Mother... well... she's The Queen.  You'll have to ask her which imaginary creature is granting her wishes this week.
Prince Charming's family is Catholic (ranging from the very liberal to the 'hard core' Hail Mary because your ass is on fire!)
And Prince Charming?
He's an atheist!

Needless to say, I've been exposed to a smorgasbord of religious beliefs and I am open to just about anyone's views of Faith.  I am a walking example of religious acceptance. 

I find all forms of theology equally fascinating.  I'll be the first to admit that I don't know the Bible cover to cover (and yet I know it better than many who claim to be 'devout').  As a matter of fact, in the grand scheme of the world's religions, I'm rather ignorant.  But when it comes to my own beliefs, I'm an expert (I wish I could say that for half the people who 'claim' a certain Faith.)

It should come as no surprise to you that I've pieced my own religion together from the few parts that seem to make sense to me.  The truth is, as much as I would love to buy into the 'magic' and 'mythology' that mystifies so many... I don't buy it. 

And so I take from each, the parts that I think are relevant to life and I move on.

My religion of choice?

My own.  I'm the one who has to sleep with my own beliefs and find a way for them to guide me through life, so it should be as unique as I am.

But if you MUST put a label on it (insert rolling of my eyes)
I'd call it Quasi-Buddhist

It's the closest thing I've found to something resembling my approach to life.  Though I am by no means an expert, or even devout.  I still do not buy into the hocus pocus and hoodoo that goes along with it.  I don't practice prayer, or even regular meditation.  I simply try to live my life in a loving and compassionate way (don't choke on your Gin there!).

With that being said, I have to tell you about this conversation I had with a co-worker today...
I was showing him a picture of one of my paintings and he said, "Is that a Buddha?" 
I said, "Yes, I'm very in to Buddha stuff." 
He replied, "How's that working for you?" 
A bit uncertain what he meant, I responded with, "Well, I haven't killed anyone yet!" 
With a slight chuckle, he said, "I mean does he come out of the painting and help you with your problems?" 
Okay, I'm not sure if this old man is mocking me, planning to convert me or just smoking too much hashish.  Either way, he's getting my sarcastic humor as a response.  With a heart-felt smile I said, "No more than Jesus jumps out of the Bible to help me with them." 
I think he was stunned.  He smiled and said he was happy with Jesus in his life.  And I informed him that I have no problem with Jesus.  From there our conversation returned to talk of old cars and plumbing problems in the hotel room.
I'm sure that many people will not find this nearly as funny as I do.  Does it help if I tell you this old man ARGUES about EVERYTHING?  I shit you not!  He once argued with me about his groceries!  When I couldn't tell him exactly how many carrots/apples/etc. were in my all natural juice, he stated that he NEVER ate food without knowing exactly what was in it.  It wasn't enough for the ingredients to be listed, he wanted to know quantities!  I finally won that battle when I asked him how many eggs were in the loaf of bread.  He's just an argumentative old man who knows better than everyone else... but he's ironically uber-nice!

So yes... I think it's funny.  Even if you don't!

I'm sort of twisted like that though.

I also find it funny that my 3-year-old can recognize a picture of Buddha...
... but wouldn't know what to say about a picture of Jesus ...
(Somebody just started praying for us)
... now don't get so worked up.  She probably wouldn't recognize a picture of Santa Clause either! ...

(that was a naughty wasn't it?)

It's really nothing personal against any religion.  I personally believe religion is a great thing that brings out wonderful things in good people.  It also brings out HORRIBLE things in bad people.  And unfortunately, it's the bad people who tend to vocalize and act on their beliefs the most.

But enough of my rambling.  All that really matters is that you believe what you believe.  No matter what you're faith is, you must live with it.  It should bring your solace and comfort and above all happiness.  Just know what you're believing in so you can SPEAK UP when the bad people start twisting it all to hell!!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Sexy Pink Monkey Panties Strike Again!!

As you damn well better know by now, I always carry a spare pair of panties wherever I go.  I might not be wearing any... but I still carry a pair.

Aren't you glad underwear can't blog?  I certainly am. 

It's not that I'm afraid they'd go around talking about my sex life (HA!  I have a 3-year-old and my mother is living with us... we have hallway sex.)  I'm not concerned about the 'pillow talk' that might hit the gossip pages (if I had time for pillow talk, I'd spend it getting laid!).  I'm not even worried about the embarrassing tales my underwear might be able to conjure up.

My real fear... is what the Sexy Pink Monkey Panties could tell.

For example...

Yesterday I left work and headed down a busy street through the college campus on my way out of town.  At block #3, I caught a glimpse of a small, black, FAST, object as it ran across my passenger dash.  Oh that better not be what the fuck I think it is!
It was!
At block #5, it ran across my stereo in my direction.
You should know this event is transpiring at the precise time that some dumbfuck dean declared all the classes should end and students should proceed to their next allotted borefest (they pay for this shit you know?)  Either that, or there was a bomb threat.  I'm not really sure.  The only screaming I could hear was the arachnophobic freak in the back of my brain crying hysterically and telepathically wishing the spider would burst into flames and die.
Normally, I could keep my sanity (some of it) about me and pull off the road to evacuate the vehicle... (and maybe blow some hot college dude so he'd kill the damn thing!).  Unfortunately, I am on "Fuck You Street" which has 50 stop lights, no side streets, and 30 pedestrian crossings.  Ever seen people jump out of a car during a Mexican fire drill?  I seriously thought about it as the little black bastard ran across my speedometer!!
Swatting, driving, and avoiding the idiot crossing the street while texting is not an option... that's just too much multitasking!
By block #9, I am literally shaking... driving... my eyes are flicking from the spider on my mirror adjust to the road, to the spider, road, spider, road, SEIZURE!!!!
To the spider: "Don't you move you mother fucker!  I swear to all that is holy you are way too fucking close to me and all it's going to take is one more little leg flick and I'm slamming this fucking Oldsmobile into that gas tanker and killing us all!!  I'll do it you little bastard.  You just stand there like a nice fucking spider and you're the only one who will have to die...."
By block #11, I'm finally into lighter traffic and I know I'm running out of time.  At any given moment that little bastard is going to decide to run across my door, down my seat belt, and into my ear where he'll lay fucking eggs in my brain and kill me!!
I make up my mind once I get through this stoplight, I'm pulling over regardless!  Oh, look!  It's a parking lot!  THANK FUCKING GOD!!
So I pull over into the parking lot of the fire department...
... gently park the car
... slowly open the door
... reach across the seat for a swatting device (aka an envelope)
... and proceed to knock the spider off my door on the third swat

And fall he did...


 And holy shit, the Princess can fly!  That's right fuckers!  I went airborne diagonally, right out the door into the parking space next to me.
Now there I stand in the parking lot of the fire department with a spider in my car and no fucking intentions of getting back into that metal death trap with that homicidal eight-legged sociopath!
But I've gotta find him, because if he disappears, I will be sleeping in the fire engine while I bug bomb my car!  (And frankly, I just pulled an 8 hour shift and I'm in no mood to blow a fireman's hose for a favor!)
Just my luck, the little assfuck is sitting there in that little nook at the edge of the car and under the seat.  You know the spot... it's the place you always drop the cigarette lighter while you're driving.  The spot filled with crumbs, and loose change, and probably some hooker's hypodermic needle.  I can see him... but how the hell can I get in there to kill him without letting him rip off my knuckles and drag me under the seat of my car?
I yank open the back door in search of a weapon.
Cleaning chemicals from work... are they flammable?  I have a lighter!!
(Yes, I did consider hooking them up to the battery first, but I figured I'd only succeed in electrocuting myself and then the bastard spider would be free to cruise around in my Olds with some fucking hip hop crap blaring out my windows!)
I yank the jumper cables out of the back seat and proceeded to stab at my front seat like an axe murderer in the hopes that one of the hits would land a deadly blow to the tiny monster under my seat!
At this moment I want you to create a visual in your head (because by now, two vehicles have pulled into the parking lot to witness this incident).

Tiny white girl standing in a parking lot with both driver's side doors open.  The jumper cables are hanging out of the back seat, while I am stabbing frantically at my driver's seat with the other end.  And the sexy pink monkey panties  that were in the back seat are now laying in the parking lot where they fell.



Yes... I got the fucker!  Deader than a fucking door nail!

I then scooped him out of my car with an empty cigarette pack.  I sat back in my seat (without shutting the door) and took a couple of deep breaths.  I did one of those "I just walked through a spiderweb" dances/seizures and realized I still had a cigarette in my hand.  I relit the bastard and took three long drags off of it before calmly shutting my car door and driving off.  I did not even look around to see how many people were staring or dying of laughter.  I figured it was best to vacate the scene of the crime before someone called the padded wagon on my crazy ass!!

I'm very glad those panties don't blog!!
And with that being said... voting is up for the new security team over at The Queen's place.
  Whomever gives me a resume with the best 'Spider Assassination Techniques' will get my vote!!

And for more "I hate spiders" laughter... check out this comic by The Oatmeal... it is the perfect visual!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Letting My Creativity Get the Better of Me.

I haven't been ignoring you all... honest.

It's just...


I found a new love...


And so when I'm not pimpin' it on a corner for The Queen, or bailing out The Dutch... or trying to bribe Amy into stealing the good shit from CB...

I've been getting my creativity on.

I know you're all just dying to see the results of my artistic genius...

So... with nothing of humor, wit or intellect to type... I'll leave you with a few pictures.

copyright 2010 PWT
Thinking of Him
(at least that was the title of the photo I sketched this from)
This was just a 20 minute sketch I did.  Then I blew it up, mod-podged it on canvas and repainted the girl in acrylic.

Inner Peace
copyright 2010 PWT
Don't give me too much credit on this one.  I didn't draw anything.  I created this as a digital collage.  I then blew it up and Mod-Podged to canvas.  I painted the orange and blue with some old nail polish and then did all the black and white work with acrylic paint.  This now hangs in my upstairs office with my Buddha collection.  And yes... the symbol means 'inner peace' and I do sit there and stare at it when I'm in desperate need of finding some.

These are both on 16 x 20 inch canvas.  I intend to do more of these... they're so much fun.

The best part is the fact that they offer nearly instant artistic gratification... unlike my detailed drawings that take me days/weeks/months... and then never get finished because I lose interest (it's the ADHD!)

Okay, so the Buddha actually took me about 12 hours to paint, but only because I messed up the background and had to redo it!  I could recreate it in about 4 (probably)

Anyway... I'm not bragging or anything.  After all... it's just painting over a printout I did on the computer...  but I though some of you might enjoy a visual of why I've been MIA for a week.

But for the nay-sayers out there (who seem to be trolling around lately) I'll give you one last glimpse at my art... so you don't go thinking I'm a total hack...

copyright 2010 PWT
Mixed Media: Oil Pastel, Marker, and Nail Enamel on poster board.  Completely freehand.  And if you think his head is a little big... you're right.  It was the perspective I was holding the board as I drew him... I need to invest in an easel.

And if you prefer a good old portrait...
copyright 2010 PWT
Here's a piece of work I've been trying to do since March.  It's a good friend's daughter... when it's all finished she'll be staring at a baby dragon coming out of a butterfly chrysalis.  (the line through her cheek is the result of having to scan it in pieces because it's too big for my scanner).

Okay... now I'm bragging!!  YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT!!!  This one is actually quite an accomplishment because I never thought I was very good at portraits.  Now if I could just find the nerve to finish it.
Now get off the frigging computer and go do something productive...
Or in the very least go pull your wieght on a street corner so The Queen won't be all over my ass for exercising my creative bone instead of entertaining some John!

Have a wonderful week!!

All images copyrighted... The Royal Family will have you fed to the gators if you even think about stealing them.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Dirty Annie Boogie

The Queen and I went slumming today!  Okay, that's not exactly true... we hit the Thrift Free Store today for some fabulous fabric fashionista!  This little store is situated in the middle of BFE and it's just filled with free clothes.  Run solely on volunteer work and donated items, it is the perfect picture of everything I love about living in the 'Heartland'.  For those of you who cannot picture such an amazing thing... I'll give you a visual.

Imagine your everyday Goodwill/Salvation Army/Thrift Store was RAPED by the evil bag lady from The Labyrinth movie!  (If you haven't seen the movie you're a total douche and should stop reading this immediately to go watch it!  Pulease!  Jim Hensen + David Bowie + Jennifer Connelly = Horrifically wonderful).

But seriously, I wasn't planning on berating you for your failure to appreciate 1980's filmography... bet you haven't seen Ron Howard's Willow either you douche!  "Stupid Daikini!"

The whole purpose of telling you about this 'journey' was to brag about the awesome new threads we got tell you about our sing-a-long on the way back home.  Of all the songs in the world, leave it to The Queen and I to belt out what has to be one of the naughtiest pre-Eminem songs on the planet!  To my knowledge it is not recorded and I've only been able to find tidbits of lyrics after an extensive search.  It's one of those old 'folky' songs that is sure to die away if it is not passed on to our children *evil Muahahahahaha*

So without further ado... I give to you...

The Dirty Annie Boogie

Went downstairs to get some cider
I saw a fly, he was jackin' off a spider
It's the dirty annie boogie

dirty annie boogie
dirty annie boogie gonna drive me to my grave

Went back down to get some gin
That damn spider was a getting it again
It's the dirty annie boogie

dirty annie boogie
dirty annie boogie gonna drive me to my grave

Got it in a Chevy.  Got it in a Ford.
My best piece of ass was on a running board.
It's the dirty annie boogie

dirty annie boogie
dirty annie boogie gonna drive me to my grave

Got it in the kitchen.  Got it in the hall.
Got it on my finger and I flung it on the wall.
It's the dirty annie boogie

dirty annie boogie
dirty annie boogie gonna drive me to my grave

Walkin' down the lane.  Thought I saw a ghost.
I saw a tampon hangin' on a post.
It's the dirty annie boogie

dirty annie boogie
dirty annie boogie gonna drive me to my grave
That my beloved readers is the song as I have known it since I was young.
The Queen is certain there are tons of other versus that she is unaware of... so if you happen to be familiar with the ditty, please share... because it would be a musical travesty if this tune was lost to the sands of time.
Have a great holiday weekend!!