Thursday, January 19, 2012

HATE is NOT a family value!

Today two of my biggest pet peeves have collided into the 'Perfect Storm' of perturbedness!

I have ZERO tolerance for 'family' who spout HATE and try to disguise it as 'love'.
I also have ZERO tolerance for religious people who spout scripture and try to disguise it as 'help'.
  • REAL family does not collect ammunition against each other.
  • REAL family does not use the past to wedge a knife in your back.
  • REAL family does not use hardship as a chance to have a 'pissing contest'.
  • REAL family does not open up the wounds and leave you bleeding on the floor.

I have a REAL family.  It's taken thirty-two years of weeding out those people who are toxic to me, but for all I've lost I have gained so much more.  I have wonderful sisters with whom I can pick up a conversation with even if we haven't spoken in months.  I have these sisters despite the fact that I no longer have the 'father' that links our DNA.  I have wonderful cousins with whom I enjoy many great laughs and tons of love.  I have these cousins despite the fact that I no longer have the 'grandparents' that link our DNA.  There are many who might say I am 'missing out' because I have cut certain family members out of my life.  But the truth is, while I may miss out on a few good memories, I am NOT missing out on the HATE and BETRAYAL that those people brought to my life.  In their place, I was blessed with an AMAZING father who surrounded me with love.  In their place, I am blessed with wonderful friends and neighbors who bring LOVE and JOY to our life.  I might share the same chromosomes with people I will never include in my family, but unfortunately, those people did NOT share the same VALUES that I do.  The FAMILY I have CHOSEN may not share my values in their entirety, but they LOVE me, they SUPPORT me, and they RESPECT my values.
  • REAL family collects memories and laughter.
  • REAL family forgives the past and leaves it where it belongs (in the past).
  • REAL family offers a shoulder of support in times of hardship.
  • REAL family stitches together the broken pieces, sutures the wounds, and picks you up when you're down.
As far as religion is concerned, the same thing applies.  Religion is meant to guide us, heal us, help us, and make us feel safe and secure.  It is a gross perversion of any scripture to twist it in a way so as to attack, hurt, or otherwise disable another person.  Many of you know I do not consider myself a Christian.  Some of you know that my 'faith' verges somewhere near Buddhism.  Few of you will ever know exactly what my religious views are (trust me, they don't fit neatly into any book).  My views are NOT the point.  The point is I am well versed in many theological studies and at the root of all 'faith' there is goodness.  At their purest, most religions are meant to guide, help and heal the mind and heart.  And as a lover of many teachings, I despise it when people corrupt that goodness and twist it to hurt others.

It is my opinion that people who use 'religion' as a weapon are the ultimate hypocrites.  These people are weak, shameful, ignorant, and insecure.  If they weren't, they would not feel the need to use their spiritual beliefs in a hurtful manner.  I find the behavior of these people to be childish and immature.  They make up for their own insecurities by preying on the pain and suffering of other people.

Frankly, that makes me very angry.  I never did like a bully!

And if you happen to be the type of person who is using your misguided view of religion as a way to attack your own family.... I imagine there's a special place in Hell for you.  Since I don't presume to be GOD, I cannot say for sure (it's certainly not MY place to judge).  Since I don't actually believe in HELL, I can say this:
"It's YOUR Hell... YOU burn in it!"
Alas, you've gone and messed up my 'zen'!  Fortunately, I can regain that (unlike you and your dignity).

I was born into a Mormon-Methodist-Lutheran family.  I am not 'married' to the most wonderful Atheist on the planet.  I have the most wonderful Catholic in-laws on the planet.  And we intend to raise the OC to be a free thinking soul who can choose for herself.  Whatever label you put on your faith really doesn't matter to me.  What matters to me is how you treat the people in your life.  If you treat them with malice and HATE, there is no amount of scripture in ANY text to ever save your soul.

Guess what?  I found my 'zen' again...
  • Today, I hope you find the peace you need to let others live their lives. 
  • I hope you find the strength you need to deal with your own demons. 
  • I hope you find the dignity you need to hold your own head high without cutting someone else down. 
  • I hope you find the humility you need to keep you from judging others. 
  • I hope you find the hope you need to face tomorrow without a crutch. 
  • I hope you find the compassion you need to lend a shoulder rather than lash out. 
  • I hope you find the love you need to enjoy every moment of life.

Specifically for Miss' Crystal...
I hope you have found the FAMILY you need to see you through each day no matter the joys or sorrows it might bring.  Hold your head up high because you are strong enough to handle this, courageous enough to face it, and wise enough to deal with it in whatever way you feel is necessary.  And anyone who cannot see that about you is not worthy of the wonderful person you are.
And to anyone who might not know what this is all about... just go give my dear sister Miss' C a HUGE HUG because she could use one... because it will make her day... because it will make my day... but mostly because it will make your day to share the love and counteract the hate!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Mission Impossible (Unless You're a Royal!)

Things have been flipping ridiculous around here with the renovations and now they tell me The Queen has ran off to detox.  I actually knew about this as soon as it happened (the whole notifying next of kin shit and all) the problem is I heard QUEEN and DETOX in the same sentence and I haven't been able to pick myself up off the floor ever since.

I'm currently petitioning The Judge to have The Queen transferred to the Kingdom's psychiatric facility for her 'treatment' because I know damn well she's got enough shit in her system that they could lock her up for 5 years and she'd still be flying high as a kite.  Not to mention the fact that the bitch is sly.  I have no doubt she'd concocting some new 'recreational' use for paint chips, nail clippings, and urinal cakes as we speak.  Detox is simply not in her vocabulary!

Unfortunately, since our psychiatric facility has been transformed into a gator pond in recent years (yes... even we have a 'crazy' threshold and when you've crossed we fear the only thing left for you is gator bait!) I'm having to get a bit creative.  The Judge is considering my proposal (apparently, The Queen is a bit of a 'strain' on the public facility she is currently housed in).  So I've decided to initiate Princess Vet into her true duties as a Royal Princess.

I realize that she has undergone many trials since first becoming a Royal, but as a 'Princess' she must be able to do more than push a bitch into the moat.  The Judge is insisting on a tour of our 'facility' before he agrees to the transfer.  I guess there's some rumor out there about us not taking the legal system seriously.  I personally think a gator pit proves our conviction to the justice system, but I'm not sure he'll agree.


Here are your Royal assignments in the absence of The Queen.

Princess Vet - First and foremost I need you to create a Psychiatric Facility in OZ.  You've got all those munchkins, a lion, tin man, scarecrow, and misguided wizard at your disposal.  Get on it.  It needs to be CLEAN.  And by that I mean you're gonna have to stash the good shit with the Dame.  Don't leave them with Dutch or we'll never see them again!  Secondly, you need to figure out how to make the gators, flamingos, and flying monkeys 'appear' to be lovable 'theraputic animals'.  Dress them up as bunnies, I don't care... and make sure those gators have a healthy digestive system, I don't need any parts from a cheap john floating to the surface while the judge is visiting!

Sisterwife - You need to sneak over to the main castle and stash The Queen's stash, if you get my drift.  Then keep an eye on my Aunt Dutch.  That bitch stumbles out in her bathrobe with a box of wine under her arm and this whole mission will be shot to hell!  If you can get that bitch to behave, I need you to be the go-between for Princess Vet, The Dame, and The Bartender.  You've always been a whiz at getting the right 'hookup' on the shit we need and these girls are going to need a lot of shit to pull this off.

Bartender - You are officially on lock down for the weekend.  Get the bitches sobered up or get the bitches to pass out.  I don't care which.  But it is vital that none of those half-witted twats stumbles out into the public while The Judge is here.  Flop up a 'Closed for Remodeling' sign and tell the whores we're under a Code 11 Terroristic Threat.

Dame - You and Sir need to find a place to stash the John's. NO! They cannot have a 'quick' conjugal visit right now. I don't want to lose paying customers, but for goodness sakes I cannot have those Chip-n-Dales running lose like an anaconda parade! We have enough exotic animals around here as it is. Once you get that under control, I need you to put on your best professional dress and deliver the necessary provisions to The Bartender.

Dutch - I need you to... never mind... I know better... just take your box of wine and go to your tub. It's the only time I can be sure you're not up to no good. If you need more incentive to 'behave' let me tell you that top grade hashish is virtually impossible to smuggle into a public facility. The Judge will take one look at you and put you in a padded cell right next to The Queen. And I'll be lucky if I can get you some cheap ditch weed masquerading as parsley. So just stay inside and try not to fall. I will NOT call the EMTs while he's here. You nick and artery and you'll be at the mercy of Princess Vet!
Meanwhile, since I'm one of the few who can stay sober and coherent for an entire weekend, I will be jumping through all the legalities and various hoops of the public judicial system in an attempt to get The Queen back.  I'll do my best to keep everyone up-to-date on the process, but lord only knows how much time I'll have for that.  I've sent the O.C. away on 'holiday' (we all know she is far too detrimental to my image as an upstanding mother) and the P.C. will be pulling in some cash to try and keep us afloat (not that we're strapped, but I'm not giving up a dime from my shoe fund!).

If negotiations with The Judge fail, I'll be forced to resort to Plan B.  I can't really discuss the details of it right now, but it involves crowbars, chloroform, dynamite, and some well trained flying monkeys.  As a Royal, I'm trying to keep the peace between Kingdoms, but as a future world dictator... I'm kinda hoping for Plan B!!!  MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Anyway, just because we're doing the whole "Royal Rally" thing to get The Queen back, don't for one minute think any of you are off the hook!  Despite the protests of Princess Vet, I intend to proceed with the "Peacock Extermination Project" and that does include her damn crown!  I also intend to reclaim possession of my monkeys, but that part will be easy.  As for The Royal Sisterwife, keep your hands off my crown.  I am the SOLE heir to that crown.  As my Momma always said, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it!"  There will definitely be some issues to take care of once we get The Queen back, but until then I'm willing to put them on the back burner.  Unless I find out who has my 6-inch diamond-platinum stilettos.  If that bitch surfaces I'm afraid its not even going to matter if The Judge is here, she's going in the gator pit (after I get my shoes off her of course).

Now get with the program ladies.  I have no intention of ruling over this mayhem you all call home.  Filling the Queen's shoes hampers my world domination tour and frankly... her shoes just aren't trashy enough for my taste.  Get her BACK!!