Tuesday, August 31, 2010

If You Aint Dancin'

Get the FUCK off my dancefloor!!

I intend to spend my day off vegetating...
if my ass happens to merge with my couch...
sell my car and buy me a laptop!

Have a great day!!
(And P.S. if you're blogroll is malfunctioning like mine... The Queen has posted twice!  I wouldn't have known if she wasn't typing from my livingroom! Damn blogger!!)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

What's for Lunch?

If you don't already know, I am NOT a foodie!  I'm simply not a picky eater.  I love carbs.  I love fattening shit!  If you've got something frying in bacon grease, don't be surprised if I'm standing there dry humping your leg!

There are only two common foods I totally wretch at.
  1. Rare meat - My father liked his steaks rare.  When my father sent leftovers to my hotel room, I most certainly did call down to the bar and ask to speak to the veterinarian.  Once he was on the phone I told him he needed to rush to my room ASAP because I was pretty sure he could still save Dad's steak!
  2. Okra - The Queen made the mistake of making boiled okra once!  Let me tell you right now that boiled okra smells exactly like cat urine and has the consistency of cat vomit!
Other than that, I'm pretty open minded.  If it walks, hops, or swims, I've probably tasted it.  Basically, I'm up for trying anything that isn't laced with arsenic... at least once!  That's not entirely true... I draw the line at insects (not enough chocolate in the world for that!).  There are many exotic and 'healthy' foods that I have not yet had the opportunity to taste, but I'm not against trying them at some point.

With that being said, I find most people's flavor atrocities perfectly acceptable.  I dip my french fries in chocolate frosty, I'll put dill pickles on a peanut butter sandwich, and I love to sip a Coca Cola with popcorn in my mouth.

However, I do have some standards (and they are pretty LOW).

I once watched a student eat butter straight from the container!!  I put a screeching stop to that if I was going to be eating in the same building with him!

My sister-in-law grew up loving ketchup sandwiches.  Not a huge fan of the big K anyway... let alone just spread on a slice of bread!

And I once knew a girl who liked mayo and PB sandwiches!  (This makes my tongue have a grand mal seizure!)

But yesterday at work, I encountered a person who's lunch made me want to leave the building (and I wasn't even trying to eat anything!)  Our maintenance guy... who has to be like 112-years-old... proceeded to explain to me the contents of his sandwich.  I literally had to have him repeat it about 3 times to be certain that first, I heard him correctly, and second, he was NOT kidding... he had to show me before I believed him!

I am now going to subject you to the same GAG-factor:

It was a slice of wheat bread spread with butter.  On top of that he added peanut butter and jelly.  If the whole scenario had stopped right here... I could have shrugged and walked off.  Butter is fine and I can see how it could add a uniquely appealing flavor to even the classic PB&J (though I'm not going to test this theory.)  BUT NO!!  He did not stop there.  In addition to this trifecta of spreads, he added...
a slice of PIMENTO LOAF!

Yes, I just threw up in my mouth a little!
How about you?

Now the current debate between the Prince and I is whether this sandwich is worse than his sisters ketchup catastrophe.  I say it is, he says the ketchup sandwiches are way more disgusting.

So I leave it to you dear readers.  Which is worse?
  1. Ketchup Sandwich (Just ketchup on bread)... OR
  2. Butter + PB&J + Pimento Loaf on Wheat!
And while you're at it...

What food do you totally love that others may think is crazy?
What is the grossest food you seen someone else enjoying?

Friday, August 27, 2010

Saturday's Secret Review

(I was going to hold onto this one until tomorrow, but the last post I auto-scheduled did not post at the right time.  And I'm in no mood to check back after midnight to make sure it posted right.  So yes... I'm going to jump the gun a bit... I'm sure you'll forgive me!)

Ever stumble upon a blog that makes you want to sign up for a frontal lobotomy?
  • The Mommyblogger who shits sunshine and roses?
  • The hypocritical jackass who thinks his shit doesn't stink?  (get some fiber in your diet... that's just not healthy!)
  • Or the Meme-oholic that seems to have absolutely no depth?
Well... I have!  (Lucky me!)

And frankly, while I can handle the occasional assault upon my intellectual thought process... it just bugs the shit out of me when I stumble onto multiple stereotypical clones in one browsing session.  (Jesus tits on a biscuit, who sounded the troll alarm?)

How do I manage to stumble across this crap?  Usually, it involves clicking on the link of some blogger who left an idiotic comment in a place I frequent.  It's the curiosity.  I can't help but become overwhelmed by a desire to witness first hand the fucktardedness that is this blogger!

I can already hear you, "Curiosity killed the cat, you know?!"




So without further ado...

I give you Saturday's Secret Review:

I will not be providing links to the idiocy because
1) I would never subject my readers to such CRAPTASTICNESS! 
2) I refuse to promote this trash even negatively and
3) I wouldn't degrade my fellow bloggers outright. 
(Now if they stumble upon this and want to list their link for fair judgement, they are welcome to do so)

And before anyone accuses me of 'talking shit behind people's backs'.  It's not behind their back... it's in full view of the public.  And I promise not to say anything here that I wouldn't say to their face!

Today's Secret Reviewee is...
Inquire and You Will Acquire
(Yes, the name is changed for their anonymity... I'm certainly not protecting innocents on this one!)

This site 'claims' to "give bloggers solid, constructive feedback on their blogs."  The FAQ section would almost inspire me to request a review.  It's snarky enough to make me want to like these people, and implies that while the truth might hurt a bit, they really want to help you better yourself and your blog.

It also states that all of the reviewers are experienced bloggers with "rockin' templates".  Unfortunately, actually listing the URLs of their personal sites must be stepping too far out of their boundaries.  It's a pity since I was just dying to know what their superior writing and template styles said about them!

They do state some basic hard/fast rules for bloggers that I totally agree with.

Reading through the 'profiles' of the reviewers, I'm inspired to find them likable!  Artistic, sarcastic, creative, and well-versed... right up my alley!

Unfortunately, I have a ZERO BULLSHIT factor and I utterly abhor drama for the sheer sake of drama.

I really find only two things about this blog that disgust me.
(make that three because I despise the layout... but that is something I can forgive... it's personal decor and it is THEIR HOUSE!)
But these 2 things leave me with absolutely no respect for the authors of this blog.
  1. While I love a good dig on someone and totally appreciate a cynical approach to addressing topics, there is a line that one should acknowledge when it has been crossed.  In the case of this blog, I think it is completely unnecessary to stereo-type the readers of one's blog as being safe, lame, inept, ass-kissing, or otherwise unqualified to be unbiased about a critique.  "I run in a different pack of bloggers - you know, the ones that write because they have to write, not because they want to shit-talk"  I feel this type of derogatory statement is geared more towards a bashing of one's fan base than of their abilities (or lack thereof) to write.  Grow up!
  2. Criticizing someone for their online 'persona' is hypocritical if you yourself have clearly created a 'persona' for yourself.  One of the beautiful (albeit sometimes disturbing) facts about the Internet is that you get to be whomever you want to be.  You are free to portray yourself as a psychotic clock-tower sniper (or a cold-blooded reptile) if you so choose.  One's persona of themselves is part of the joy that is creative expression.  And yes, to some extent one does get drawn into the 'safe zone' of that persona.  One may find themselves struggling to post things without stepping outside the boundaries they believe they have set for themselves.  I applaud these reviewers for pointing out that you can step out of the box and be 'real' for a moment... and those who truly love your writing will still enjoy it.  However, if your own site profiles sport implications of psychotic tendencies and drunkenness, I certainly do not think you are qualified to call foul on someone for using the term 'crazy'.
With that being said, I find this an utter tragedy.  The reviewers of this site present themselves as very fun, entertaining, witty, and intelligent individuals.  I actually enjoyed reading some of the quips about certain bloggers shortcomings.  Unfortunately, I do not feel that they are presenting themselves in a fair and honest manner (unless you actually read their URL).  The degradation thrown out on this site far exceeds anything that could be construed as constructive.  While I find the language to be intellectually stimulating, the word usage could present a challenge for even the most adept literate (and makes me wonder how much time they spend on thesaurus.com).  And while I certainly don't feel the authors should 'dumb themselves down' against their own will, I do feel they are not writing for a broad demographic.

Overall, I feel this site is a great disappointment for society.  The authors of the site seem like they have a great deal of intellect, creativity and humor to offer the world and yet they debase themselves with the mundane business of degrading others.  A tragic waste of great personality and wondrous talent.
I realize that some may feel this post is very petty of me.  You don't really have to be a brain surgeon to figure out exactly which blog I am referring to.  I have no doubt that this post may receive mixed reviews itself.  But considering the circumstances, I feel that this was done in complete fairness.  I have tried to squash my 'Mafia-Mentality' to give a fair judgement of the site and its authors.  I struggled to distance myself from comments which were irrelevant to the quality of the blog itself.  No doubt there are those who may say I am guilty of the same 'crimes' I accused the authors of.

In truth, I have been torn on this entire post. I struggled not to resort to name calling or trash talking (and no doubt, the humor-factor has clearly suffered). I have read and re-read this post several times to be certain I conveyed my feelings in a manner that I felt satisfied with. After a great amount of editting and thought, I have come to the conclusion that I am happy with my words. It is not the brazen, gigglefest that many love to read, but it is true to my heart and honest. This behavior is something I would stand against in the real world and therefore see no reason why I should not do so amongst my blog friends (who are equally near and dear to me).

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I Smell Manure!!

My motto for the day is...

"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."

I absolutely refuse to muttle my Chi with this B.S.
(afterall, there's really no doubting whose side I'm on)

So if you want the 4-1-1 on the S.N.A.F.U. you'll have to trot your happy ass over to Amy's place!
(she's going to earn those ruby-covered stilettos faster than anyone ever expected!)

As far as I'm concerned, it's all a bunch of intellectual masturbation.

Have a great weekend!! 
(unless you're a douchbag, then you can kiss my ass!)

Thursday's Terminology

Today was brought to you by the word...


I'm not talking about a soft peck on cheek from a sweet hottie.

I'm not even talking about that heated passion in which you try to merge your two faces into one hideous slobbering monster straight from the Iliad.

I'm talking about...



This isn't even an accidental case of lippage slippage!

This is full blown
your Ham Canyon is showing!

I totally love Lady Gaga... but this Marilyn Manson-esque get up makes me want to barf!!

Are we all convinced she's not a chick with a dick now?
Or does she have to elaborate further!!

Amy - will need strong liquor to rinse my eyeballs out with.  Please have it delivered with a roofie so I can wakeup and forget I ever saw this shit!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

WTF Wednesday

I was cleaning out my computer yesterday and found all my old awards, blinkies and buttons.  Unfortunately for you, I'm too lazy to upload my animated badge today, so you'll just have to settle for the still life version!

On the plus side... it reminded me of WTF Wednesday!!

So here we go?

WTF is up with using the media as a scapegoat for bad parenting?

Watching the news with my FIL the other day I saw a clip about how smoking on the big screen is still influencing children to start smoking!!


Let me make this very clear...
  • JOE CAMEL did not jump off a page and hold a gun to my head to make me light up.  He didn't even whisper in my ear while he copped a feel!
  • 007 - Goldeneye did not warp my brain and make me want to snipe people off at random intervals.  Real live stupid people give me the urge though.
  • Clint Eastwood did not make me want to cuss like a sailor.
  • Sex Education did not turn me into a slut, and if they'd sold condoms in my school I'd have probably blown them up and tied them to the Principal's doorknob!
  • And the fact that The Queen was a bartender for years did not turn me into a bar-hopping-whore (nor is it the reason I fucking talk to much... contrary to my 2nd grade teacher's opinion!)
I SMOKE because I'm fucking stupid... and frankly, I'd quit if I didn't enjoy it so much.  It's relaxing... and despite the cost, it's cheaper than hiring a therapist to be on call every day!  I know the health risks... I knew them when I started... but it suits me!

The fact that some idiot in a suit has parents convinced that they need to be sissified pussies when it comes to raising their kids because they might do irreparable damage if they raise their voices (or God forbid their hands) to their 'precious' baby!

  • If I lipped off to my mother, she put me in my place!
  • If I lipped off to my father, he put me to work!
  • If I had ever disrespected a teacher, I'd have been scrubbing the school carpets with a toothbrush.
  • If I'd have came home with a C on my grades, I would have had my nose in a text book until it was up to a grade more suiting my capabilities.
  • If I came home drunk, my Dad turned my hangover into a hard day of slinging bales or branding calves.
  • If I'd have ever been in trouble with the law, my parents would have locked me up until I turned 30.
  • If I'd have ever skipped school, my mother would have drug my ass to the school and accompanied me to each of my classes in her nightgown and curlers!!
These things are the reason that I managed to make it through 18 years with only 2 vices (I smoked and cussed like a sailor).  But I didn't have so much as a parking ticket on my record and I had full-ride scholarships to any college of my choice. 

I'd say they did damn well considering the handful they were given.


WTF is up with disabilities being used to explain why your kid is an asshole?

I will not for one minute undermine anyone who has a TRUE disability.  But I'm telling you right now, I worked in special education for enough years to tell you there is a difference between a child with ADHD and a child who needs knocked into next Tuesday!  There is a difference between a child who truly suffers from Autism and a child who's parent's never took them off the tit long enough to think for themselves.  And there is a difference between the child who has a serious behavioral issue due to chemical imbalance and the child who has a behavioral issue due to a parental imbalance!!

I have seen children diagnosed with ADHD who would probably be able to function perfectly if they had some decent parents.  I've seen so many of these kids hyped up on Mountain Dew and Monster at 8AM with a honey bun in one hand and an iPod glued into their brain!!  Are you serious?  He can't seem to focus?  NO SHIT?!  Can't imagine why.  It's not a disease if I can take the sugar, caffeine, and distraction away and have them 100% functional by noon!!

Parents need to stop trying to be friends, buddies, pals.  Stop trying to compete for cool points.  Because frankly... to your kids, you're nothing more than another teenager who they have absolutely no respect for and don't listen to.  My parents were hard asses (never raised a hand, but hard asses no less).  And you know what?  My old classmates and friends still respect them and call them "Mom" and "Dad" after 10 years.  The rules were strict but they were always the same!

So to sum everything up...
Today is brought to you by...
WTF is Wrong with Parents?!?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Nails on a Chalkboard, Beauty is Pain, and I Totally Rock This Royalty Shit!

It's late and I'm tired, so you're getting the randomized list version of today's activities.

A Mission for Amy

Amy's current mission is to figure out what in the fuck woke me up at the ass crack of 8AM and inspired me to get the fuck out of bed.  Once she figures out the cause, I expect her to eliminate it... if that involves homicide, I expect her to clean up after herself!

The Royal Trio

The Royal Trio (Me, The Queen, and the OC) were out the door at 10:30 AM for a day in the village (mingling with peasants is just one of our many endearing traits... what can I say, we like to slum it up sometimes!)

The outing included stops at The House of Cash, Staples, Dollar Tree (nothing wrong with being frugal... it leaves more cash for the royal BLING!), Sears and Target (pronounced with a French accent!).

Hit the jackpot at Sears... $7.80 for jeans, $4.80 for sexy tanks, $3.60 for an awesome shirt... you get the picture... I'm a cheap bitch!

Nails on a Chalkboard

Stopped into the local Bean and Tortilla shop for a delicious dinner... except for one problem...

We had the sweetest little waif of a waitress.  Pretty face, neat clothes, wonderful hair. 

And a voice that could shatter my fine china!!  I shit you fucking not!!  Her uber-soprano-squeekdom was something that can only be described as Freddy Kruger's 'nails' across and old slate chalkboard.  Ever heard the scream of a cat being ass fucked?  Or the screech the newspaper makes as you wipe it across the Windexed pane of glass?  Now draw that out for the duration of a greeting and I dare you to try and remember what it was you wanted of the menu after that sound has assaulted your ears!!!  FUCK!!!  I didn't know my enchilada was going to come with a sonic aneurysm!  I get two sides with that?  Could one of them be a couple of Excedrin?

After learning that I can in fact hear the sound a dog whistle makes, I canceled my hearing check and headed for the hair salon.  Where we were in and out faster than a hooker giving a hummer!

We pulled into the royal gateway at 4:30 PM to be greeted by a dog that had to piss and Prince Charming that was late for work!

Beauty is Pain

I had to introduce The Queen to the wondrous beautification of home highlights!  The following phrases came out of her mouth while I was using the crochet needle to pull tiny hairs through the plastic cap.
"I think you just stabbed my brain!  My foot just went numb!"
"Damn!!!  That hair came from my fucking asshole!"

"I swear to god if you don't stop soon I'm going to throat punch you and say to hell with this!"

Yes!  That's the fucking gratitude I get for saving the cheap bitch an arm and a leg.  Do you know how much gin you can buy for the price of professional highlights?  Geeze!  You can tell it's been a while since anyone made her cinch up a corset and hit the corner!

Speaking of corset!  You remember those $4 shirts I bought at Sears?  Yeah!  Tank tops with underwires!  (aka Medieval torture devices!)  The next bitch that pisses me off is wearing one of these out for the night! 

A few things to note about these shirts...
1. If I had bought them in a size that I could comfortably squeeze into I could have never filled them out!  Who in the hell makes underwires in S, M, L?  I think not!!
2. I have discovered that it takes the effort of two grown adults to remove them.  No, I wasn't just trying to get a tit grab from the Prince.  I was fucking stuck!!  I'm talking stuck like the prisoners we've got hanging in the dungeon from handcuffs... yeah... that's exactly what I looked like you jackass!
3. If you wear these tank tops for 8 hours... you no longer feel the underwires... because your fucking tits are numb!!
(Amy's Mission #2 will be to find this designer and put his nuts in a vice grip for 8 hours!)

I Totally Rock This Royalty Shit!

And while I'm on the topic of my totally awesome shirts...

I will now show you the $3 t-shirt I found on a Sears clearance rack!!

That's right!!!  I ROCK THIS!!!

And the entire Royal family will now be trying to rob my closet.  And since Amy cannot be trusted in this matter, I am taking applications for a personal closet sentry!  You must be willing to accept the fact that if my shirt disappears (is stained, torn, or shrunk) I will have your head served on a platter to the gators.  But bonus... you get to follow my hot ass around any time I'm wearing it, just to make sure nothing threatens to damage it!

Be jealous bitches!!!

And one last note...
CB has yet to notify the rest of the family of which title she would like to be known by... so if you haven't left your input (or you've got more to say on the matter) don't forget to check out the post.  I'm getting really tired of shunning her at the parties... she's always got the good shit, it's just embarrassing!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

What's Your Title?

It has come to my attention, that amongst the Royal Family, there has been a terrible oversight...

We have

Our probie... The DAME

And that sore thumb... Crazy Brunette!!

That, my dear readers, is simply not a fitting title for royalty!!  I mean, we might as well call her The Red-Headed Step-Child, if we're just going to leave it at that!!

Now, I'm not proposing any changes to her blog title or what we affectionately call the bitch.  But I definately think she needs a royal title to use at her leisure!

I certainly have no plans associating with some common 'Crazy Brunette' at the Grand Ball!  Hell NO!  That's some peasant shit right there!!  True, I'm just a down-home redneck at heart, but you think I want anyone calling me "Bubba" when I'm having tea with the Lords and Ladies?  Ummmm... not so much.

So, while I'm going to share a couple of my brilliant ideas with you... I'm going to leave it up to discussion.  And frankly, it's going to be left up to CB.  (Unlike Amy, who must simply accept The Queen's decree and thus the title offered to her.)

So without further ado... here are my ideas:

The Baroness of Boobies
The Empress of Erotica
The Countessa of Crazy

Feel free to weigh in on which of my choices you like... or take a gamble and throw out one of your own to see what CB thinks.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Genealogy and Astrophysics!!

I've spent my entire day off trying to figure out the perfect way to express my sibling-tastrophe in a way that you might understand.  As I mentioned before, I am an ONLY child... but I have 13 siblings!  Yeah, try using Adler's birth order theory to do a personality analysis on that in your college psych class!  I swear, I deserve an honorary degree in Astrophysics just for keeping it straight my whole life.

And for those of you who think you might have it figured out... you probably don't.  And even if you're close... you'll still never believe it!!  I'm not talking about The Queen got drunk and adopted random strays that brought her gin... those 'siblings' are all in addition to The Thirteen!

So back to how I'm going to explain this fucktastic mess...

I thought about writing a little rhyming ditty...

(to the theme of "Brady Bunch")

Here's a story, of a drunken Queen
Who got laid by a fucked up Mormon freak
He was the perfect picture
of dead beat Dads
Found a new wife each week!

But there's only so many words that rhyme with man whore... so I gave up on that idea!

Then I thought maybe I could just show you the parents and connect the lines where there were children.

Unfortunately, this left a lot to be desired.  It simply did not explain the connection between the parents that led these 14 children to become siblings.  It does clearly show one interesting fact though... out of 14 children, only The King's two sons and The Idiot's two children are 100% biologically related to each other (and even that could be a total load of shit for all we know.)  If this proves nothing else, it surely proves that monogamy is over-rated!!

Next, I thought I'd try to draw you a schematic of the whole thing...
Click picture to enlarge
But as you can see... it looks a lot like a space squid orgy on a pile of spaghetti!!  Scratch that idea!

Therefore, for lack of any better ideas... I'm going to do my best to give you a brief outline of this disast-O-fuck!  By brief I mean... there's no way to be brief about it... but I'll do my best!

1. Beach Bum - My oldest sister... DNA Provider had her with Wife #1 before she wised up and high tailed it to Hawaii with the kid!

2. Oblivious - My older brother... DNA Provider had him with Mistress A while he was still married to Wife #2.  Mistress A refused to ever let him have anything to do with Oblivious because she was smart he wouldn't help her.  Oblivious refuses to acknowledge his biological siblings.

3. Welfare Check - Little sister... DNA Provider and my babysitter while he was married to The Queen.  (No one is really certain how he walked away from that still able to have children!)  She has no clue about her interesting lineage.

4. Blondie - Step-sister... DNA Provider married Wife #4 when I was 7... this is #4's daughter from her first husband.

5.  Delinquent - Adopted-Half-Step-brother... DNA Provider adopted Wife #4's son from her second marriage.

6. Tramps-a-Lot - Baby sister... DNA Provider knocked up Wife #4.

7 & 8. Christmas and Easter (because that's how often I saw them) - The Queen had this dumb-ass brain fart and remarried to The Idiot.  These were his children from his first marriage.

9 & 10. Greedy and Iffy - The Queen wised up (as far as finding a decent guy) when she met The King, but his two grown sons sort of came with the package.

11. BFF - My junior year of high school, The King & Queen took my best friend in as a foster child so she could graduate in the school she'd been in since Kindergarten.  She's 2 weeks younger than me... and we drove my parents bat shit crazy!!

12.  Tragedy - In 2003 the DNA Provider decided to give marriage another shot with Wife #5.  She is the same age as Beach Bum and came with her young son.

And here's the real fucking kicker... Just so you know, #13 might be the only time I ever cussed in front of a class of high school students.  I'm not sure if I did, but I do know I stormed out of the room obviously pissed off and my co-worker followed to find out what was wrong.

13.  The Baby (I Hope) - My baby brother was born in 2005 to the DNA Provider (then 52) and Wife #5!  I was 25!!  I'm not saying it's totally appalling to wait until you're older to have children.  And with the occurrence of teen pregnancies, I can even imagine a circumstance in which a 25-year-old could end up with a sibling because one of there parents was still in their 30's.  HOW-the-fuck-EVER... My oldest biological sister was 33 when The Baby was born!!!  Let me do the math for you... she'll be 51 (I'll be 43 and Baby sis will be 35!) when The Baby graduates high school!!!  That is totally fucked up!!!  It's not the kid's fault, but it still pisses me off just to think about it.

So there you have it... the best explanation I have for how I am The Queen's ONLY biologically child and yet I have 13 siblings ranging from 5 to 45 years old!! 

Now if you'll excuse me... my brain is totally fried, I'm going to make Amy J rob The Queen's good stash for me!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Don't TMI Me If You're Gonna Ask For It!

Important Disclaimer:  Blogger is being a total fucktard tonight.  I had to take a short break while writing this and so I drafted it... when I came back to finish... blogger had scrambled it.  With all the chaos in the house, someone must have picked up the computer and shook it.  The answers were all messed up and on the wrong questions.  I've done my best to move things back where they belong... but there is a piece that is actually missing... which means it could be stuck at any random point in this post.  If you find it after I post this, I appologize... I'm really not THAT drunk!

One thing you should know about me is that I have absolutely no moral scruples... okay, that's not REALLY true... there are CERTAIN things I would never consider doing... but that list is short and doesn't include any of the 'normal' faux paus you'd find in the 10 commandments.

That being said... I have no problem answering questions.  I'm an open book.  I'm one of those people who just doesn't see the point in lying.  It's just a downward spiral of trying to keep all your made up stories compatible.  I just don't have the sobriety for that kind of effort!

It seems clear back in July, Amy J handed out the Naughty Nice Award with 10 questions... and I totally spaced on her (I know, I'm a rude bitch... I'd love to tell you I was too busy being ravaged by the Prince... but the truth is, I was probably just being lazy!)  So I'm gonna make it up to her right now!

1. What is the silliest prank you ever played on someone?

All time best prank ever?  A girlfriend and I tucked in the straps of our tank tops and grabbed some extra clothes before climbing into bed with each other and pulling the blankets up just far enough to cover our clothes.  When one of the guys came in, we proceeded to convince him that we were 'busy'.  When he didn't believe us, we threw the extra clothes at him and told him to get out.  And when that failed, my friend turned on the electric toothbrush she'd grabbed from the bathroom.  The look of astonishment, followed by disgust (or disappointment) was priceless.
2. If you could take a trip anywhere out of the country where would you go? Why?
#1 choice?  The Buddhist temples of Thailand.  Totally lame right?  What can I say, if I didn't have a little 'serenity' in me, I'd be a sociopath.  #2... the Taj Mahal in India.  The architecture of this building amazed me.  And #3... Italy... for the wine... DUH!!!
3. Who plays the most influential role in your life?
I could say Mom.  I mean, she raised me into this neurotic basket case... but in truth, it's my daughter.  The Queen is still my hero, but everything in my world revolves around the 3-year-old toddling terrorist that I gave birth from.  Hell, even my bowel movements are centered around my daughter's approval!  There's just no escaping her!
4. Are you okay with your significant other being friends with an ex?

It depends.  I'd be a hypocrite if I said it was a flat out 'no'.  I'm friends with a couple of exes.  Ironically, one of the people who comments on my facebook most is my first boyfriend's wife.  But PLEASE!  They're married with 6 kids and I'm thankful as hell it's her and not me!!  One of my best online friends used to be a bit more than a friend... but both of these people were more than 10 years ago and there's no risk of it interfering in my marriage.  Now if one of them was single and lived within reasonable driving distance, I would honestly cut my ties with them to prevent an "I hate you tonight because you're an asshole" circumstance... and you know exactly what I'm talking about.  No matter how long something has been dead, history together makes it easy to screw up (literally).  So as I said, it depends.  I'm pretty secure, but I wouldn't want his high school sweetie living down the street from me after a heated argument.
5. Favorite candle scent?
Clean Linen... or Rain... but only because no one makes a candle that smells like fresh cut alfalfa.
6. Next movie you're excited about seeing?
Sucker Punch
7. You must ban one word from the dictionary and all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What word do you ban?

WTFOver!?!?!  You do realize that in order to answer this question I MUST TYPE IT?!?!  Okay... this is horrible.  The word I would ban is...
RETARD  (in case you're wondering, I made the 3-year-old type it)
I H-H-H-Fucking-HATE this word.  Even in reference to an actual medical condition it is a horrible, derogatory, disgusting, offensive, and generally distasteful word.  There isn't even a word in the dictionary that adequately describes how abhorable I find this word.  I would rather you go into sordid details about how you sodomized your neighbors dog than hear this word out of your mouth!
8. Do you have any relatives in jail?
Nope... they're all out on parole.  But you never really know with the dysfunctional individuals who happen to share similar DNA with myself.
9. What crazy fads were popular when you were a teenager?
Oh this is a fucking therapists dream!  I became a teenager in 1993 which means the tight acid washed jeans and fluorescent layers were just winding to an end (but still very fresh in the photo album!)  What could possibly follow this Aquanet catastrophe?  How about oversized t-shirts with leggings, sweater dresses, and layers of slouch socks?  Follow that with the wide-leg jeans trend.  And end out my teens with bell bottoms... and Gothic (definitely impressed my 'country western' parentals!)  If you're really nice, I'll post picture of my buzz cut (SO NOT KIDDING!)!! 
10. Have you ever been mentioned in a newspaper or on TV?
I was a 4-year honor roll student with an entire albums worth of academic awards by the time I graduated high school... and in a town with population 70... that's big news.  *insert eye roll here*  Since then... I've tried hard to stay OUT of the papers.
And because you bloggies are a bunch of greedy whores who can't seem to get enough of the Quid Pro Quo... I now have to cave to Donda's request for 7 facts about me (because I don't have favorites... okay, I so do, but I'm not letting you know who they are because then they'll stop sucking up to me).

  1. I'm a total narcissist.  Seriously... I put makeup on for my own enjoyment... and then I take pictures of me.  I can't drive a car with a mirror on the visor because my face my distract me while I'm driving (okay... I can, but I do admit it distracts me sometimes.)  But in a total paradox... I'm not vain.  I go to work every day with no makeup and I never think about how I look in other people's eyes.  I just really love ME... especially when I feel pretty!
  2. I have a collection of books on witchcraft.  And for those of you who just had an incredible urge to grab your crucifix... they sit on a shelf with my bible, Book of Mormon, a book about Buddha, another written by the Dalia Llama, and a book on mythology.  Think nothing of it... I'm a theist... that's all you need to know.
  3. I'm a paper-hoarding whore!!  No shit!!  I have cell phone bills from when I was married to my ex-husband.  Hell... I still have notes I passed to my friends in high school! 
  4. I have dyed my hair almost every color.  Platinum blond, black, burgundy, blue-black... fluorescent orange (a hysterical accident after stripping out the black)... hot pink (a temp spray for the sole purpose of matching my awesome shirt!)... and iridescent green (FYI: If you cut open the glowing St. Patty's day badge you get from the bar and spread the goo in your hair... your head will glow in the dark... it will also stink like formaldehyde for 3 days despite 20 shampoos!)
  5. I have shaved my head... bald...  Actually... this is a lie!  I did not shave my head bald... I kept my bangs.  Nah!!  That's still a lie... I did not shave my head at all... I let two 40 year old men shave it with bic razors... and before you even ask... there are no fucking pictures!  I killed anyone who happened to have a camera in their hands from that moment until it grew out to my normal buzz cut length.
  6. I have been known to make my husband drive around the block just so he could get a good view of the hot chick in her daisy dukes!  And before the boys get all excited... I'm totally straight (though P.C. claims I'm a closet lesbian!)  I just have an eye for a hot chick... what can I say?  I have been known to butt my loud mouth into the middle of a heated game of billiards just to be certain the men playing didn't miss the chick dancing on the bar.
  7. This is my favorite "BLOW YOUR MIND" fact about me.  I am an ONLY child.  BUT... I have 13 siblings!!!  I'm just going to let you scratch your head on that one for a while.  Let me know when it's driven you over the edge and I'll try to draw you a schematic of it.  But I'm warning you... that's a post all it's own!
to Amy and Donda for the
heart you both!!!

And I was going to finish this up with The Naughty List to keep CB from crying like a forgotten whore... but honestly, she's just going to have to forgive me for this... because not only does The Queen read my blog... she's currently living in my house.  And I'm in no mood to listen to her bitch, complain, disapprove... or flat out PUKE because of something I revealed here!!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Photo Editing 101: Mirrored Frame

Okay bitches... I clearly ate some happy pills or snorted a few lines of blow because I'm totally feeling generous tonight.  Before I hit the hay, I'm offering up... free of charge... a photo editing lesson for your personal entertainment.

For starters you should know I'm totally a CHEAP ASS BITCH!!  Don't get me wrong... I totally have expensive taste.  Prince Charming is well aware that if he totally screws up, it will require a trip to Zales for something that sparkles (and I'm not talking something synthetic and sterling!).  But short of my BLING... I'm the type of woman who shops the clearance racks and watches pirated movies online.

Lucky for you, this thriftiness is about to benefit you because you don't have to spend a dime to edit your own photos.  This edit was done completely with my favorite piece of software... Paint.net ...which is a FREE download from THIS SITE.  Simply go there and click the link in the top right to download the program.  I do believe you can do this edit with Photoshop as well if you happen to have it.  As a matter of fact, I don't know all the programs available, but as long as you have a program that lets you add layers and blurs, you can do this.

And if you're totally not in the mood or are a lazy slob feel free to just enjoy my pictures.
This does require you to have a little understanding of layers, blurs and resizing.  If you have just downloaded the program, or haven't got to know your own program yet... I suggest you pour a drink and play around with a couple of photos before jumping into this.  It really is E-A-S-Y... but if I go into every detail as if you'd never seen a computer, my fingers would fall off before I finished.  So newbies... just play with it.  If the 50+ year old Queen can learn to work this program while I cussed at her from 250 miles away... you can do it too!!

So without further ado... the instructions on how to created a mirrored frame effect.

Step 1: Open the damn program and open the picture you want to use.  I assume you already have these magnificent photos that have had the teeth whitened, blemishes removed and cellulite shaved off because that too is more than I'm going to get into right now!

Step 2: Create a new image file with a copy of your image.  You should now have two identical images.  If you had two images before you started... you should sober up first.  If your two images are not identical... you should take your medication first.

Step 3: Resize Image B to 85% and then Resize the Canvas to 117%.  This is the hardest step of the whole thing.  If you did it correctly, you should have a picture that looks like this:
If your image is not centered... Undo (ctrl+Z) and try again, making sure you anchored your image in the center.  If your image does not have a frame around it... you resized IMAGE twice... remember, the second time, you're resizing the CANVAS.

Step 4: Use the magic wand tool to select the white frame and press the delete button on your keyboard to remove it.  If you're using an Apple... fuck off... figure it out on your own because I have no clue!

Step 5: Add 4 new layers (that's a total of 5 geniuses!)

Okay... so that's the end of the steps.  But we're not finished! (You thought I'd leave you hanging like that?)  From here on, I'm just going to go layer by layer.

Layer #3: No I'm not starting at 1 you dork!  Why would I do that when you already have layer #3 done?  All you have to do is take the layer your image is currently on and move it into the 3rd position (third from the top... and bottom).  TADA!!!  I'm so proud of you!

Layer #1: (BOTTOM LAYER) Remember when I said you should have 2 identical images to start out.  Sure hope you didn't think I was kidding because now you're going to go back and copy the original image into this layer.  It should be the right size to fill the whole canvas, but adjust it if you need to.  Now add a Gaussian Blur of 15 to this layer.  Done!

The cool thing is, if you're just starting out and this is as far as you get... you've still got a pretty awesome looking photo with just those two layers.  But I'll continue in case you feel like a bit more of a challenge.

Layer #2: Use your paint bucket to fill this layer with a color of your choice.  When in doubt, use white... but I like to use whatever color is the neutral in my picture.  You can play around with this later to see what looks best so don't worry too much about the color.  What matters is that you make this layer Multiply using layer properties.  It'll basically adds a tint to the blurred 'frame' without ruining the image below.
Again, you could stop here if you wanted.  It's pretty awesome and would look fabulous in a frame.  But lets add a couple more details just for fun.

Layer 4:  This is a shadow to add depth to your frame as if the picture is behind it.  Use your magic wand (hahaha... put the fairy wings down bitch!) to select the empty frame space around the image in Layer 3.  Now go back to Layer 4 and use the pain bucket to paint the entire frame space black.  Invert your selection (ctrl+I) so the inside of the frame is selected and Gaussian Blur to 15.  Invert again to highlight the frame and delete the black frame.  You should have a thin black shadow left behind for a nice touch.

And if you want to go really hog wild, finish it off with one more detail...

Layer 5:  This is going to be a highlight on the frame to add a bit of dimension to it.  Use you magic wand to highlight that empty frame space around the image in Layer 3.  Then make sure you're working on Layer 5.  Invert your selection (ctrl+I) and use the paint bucket to paint the space inside the frame white.  Invert the selection again (the frame is selected now) and Gaussian Blur to 15.  Invert again (inside selected) and delete the white center.  Lastly, use layer properties to set the opacity to 133.

I liked the final outcome so well, I saved it to use as a template.  Now I just switch out my pictures and my shadows and highlights are already in place.  Here's a few examples just for fun.

Don't forget to tell me what you think, and DEFINITELY tell me if you try this out for yourself... I'd love to see the results!  And since I did throw this out there to tempt you with, I suppppppOse I'll help you out if you happen to get stuck.  And I won't even cuss at you like I did The Queen (unless of course I figure out you didn't even have the computer plugged in).  Happy Editing!

The Ogre Child
The Princess or The Jester?
Before the Heist
The O.C. and The Queen

Monday, August 9, 2010

iSuck 2010

Update on the Hairtastrophe:  I have a new theory.  Global warming has caused such a severe change in climate that the abominable snowman has been forced to adapt!
And with that, I thought I'd bring you another rambling from the demented mind of a housekeeper!
Allow me to introduce you to the incredible
iSuck 2010. 

An industrial vacuum cleaner equipped with a jet powered engine. 
Guaranteed to suck up any item that is irreplaceable while choking on the smallest fragment of candybar wrapper. 
The standard model is fitted with a power cord guaranteed to be 2 feet too short to reach the corners of the room. 
To alliviate this problem we recommend upgrading to the UberCord package which will equip your machine with a 15 mile cord that must be wrapped up neatly after every use. 

Additional upgrades include:
The SuperCiserMatic Package - allows you to get a great full body workout crawling around on the floor picking up all the pieces the vacuum missed.
The Clog-O-Rific Package - includes coat hanger wire for fishing out the nasty clogs of wet pubic hair and dog vomit.
The MegaCharge 3000 Package - stylishly wears the power cord to expose wiring for that stylish grunge effect.

And now for a visual.
Hotel Vacuum Cleaners 101
click image to enlarge

I wonder how much persuasion it would take to convince the housekeeping department to invest in Roombas!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Sucking Up the Amish Skinheads

s a hotel housekeeper, I'm willing to put up with a LOT of messy shit.  At least once a week a guest tells me, "You could just put some towels in our room.  It's a disaster and we don't expect you to clean it."  That my dears is a wonderful thing to say to your housekeeper... and when I go in the room I usually gasp in shock!  THIS ROOM IS CLEANER THAN MY HOUSE (and you people have 6 adults crammed in here!)

So after dropping some towels (and tiding up there beds because it's so nice to come back to the beds being made) I leave the room a disgruntled mess mumbling about how I need to go home and fold my dirty laundry into neat piles like theirs!  *sigh*

That being said... as a housekeeper I have done the following...
  • Scrubbed the strangest poop patterns off of toilets (Our hotel now offers free Rorschach Inkblot Personality Tests with every room!)
  • Wiped puke off the bottom of a toilet (That bitch would have amazed NASA with her ability to defy gravity!)
  • Pulled rice out of television speakers (C'mon, the cable selection is not THAT bad!)
  • Thrown away poopy sheets (It's because I forgot to leave a mint on your pillow isn't it?)
  • Cleaned up after the pack of religious hyenas (Let's just say, I've heard of women 'syncing up' but this was RIDICULOUS!)
However... I have about reached my breaking point this week.

I do NOT know what is going on in this town... generally I chalk this kind of mess up to the annual "Beaver Shaving Convention".  However, our female occupancy is relatively low right now... and in truth... there hasn't been a beaver with that much fur since 1988!  So I've had to come up with a new explanation for this sudden increase in follicle distribution.

My only explanation...

The KKK are now recruiting the Amish!

I'm serious!  This person (I use that term lightly because having only seen the remains, I might equally assume it was a Yeti) could easily have crocheted a full sized bedspread if they had thought to shave the remnants.  WHO THE HELL DOES THIS SHIT!!

I went through 5 rags just trying to wipe the hair out of the tub.  That's not counting the sheddings on the toilet, sink, counter, mirror, and tile floor!!

Listen Mr. Abominable!!  I come from a long line of Sasquatch people.  If I go two days without shaving, you could use my legs to scrape flesh from bone!  Honestly, I have let my hair grow out for a few months (I was fucking pregnant you assholes... I couldn't see my legs let alone bend over and reach the bastards!).  And you know what... when I finally shaved the three major areas, IT STILL DIDN'T COMPARE TO THIS!

I finally ended up breaking out the vacuum cleaner on this mess.  And our industrial jet-powered vacuum, coughed and sputtered at the idea of it.  I'm not sure, but there may have been a small dog hidden in there.

So if you happen to hear of any Amish families desperately searching for their misguided son... tell them he was lured by the sinful ways of the modern world, and point them in the direction of the nearest skinhead.  It's probably their son!


Friday, August 6, 2010

It's Fucked Up... but I WIN!!

Thank goodness one of the Royal Family is a total blog-whore who can hold the fort down for us while we sober up is able to keep her shit together in moments of crisis.

For those who don't know...

The Queen had to choose between living under the roof of the evil step-sons, living in a meth house, or being homeless... fortunately for her she has a great son-in-law.  While I was busy calling padded cells and nursing homes that would lock that nutcase up with some good meds, he packed all her shit into the garage and moved her into my living room.  At first I had a major panic attack!  The Queen... and ME... under the same roof?  We tried that once 15 years ago and it didn't really go over so well.  Someone better be mailing me some of their Xanex stash.... 




and then I realized something....








I WIN!!!!




After all... possession is 9 tenths of the law!!

And I am currently in POSSESSION
of The Queen's entire legacy!!




(if this makes no sense to you, you're new... READ THIS!)




I just might keep her here until she's old and senile!


That'll teach CB to run off to California and leave me in charge. 
(Like I can sober up long enough to be responsible?! HA!)

With that being said...

I'm gonna prance around my house doing a jig and yelling

In all my gloating... The Duchess had to take up the role of RESPONSIBILITY... so hop on over there and join up for CB's Fucked Up Friday Follow that the Duchess so kindly hosted until the whore gets back!!

One Crazy Brunette Chick

And stay tuned...
I have an upcoming post planned about the Amish, the KKK, and a vacuum cleaner.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Tink (and The Queen) Visit

Our palace is graced with the presence of The Queen and her trusty dog (aka. Tripping Hazard with a Bionic Tongue) TINK!

That means that Prince Charming is packing his bags for the nearest halfway house to get away from the overwhelming amount of estrogen in his own home.  You thought The Queen was crazy in her own house all alone... you oughta be a fly on the wall when you get the two of us together... conversations take a turn for the worst.  We are a very sick and twisted duo... I'm very certain if we got along any better (or got any drunker) we could destroy the world with our evil plots.

Fortunately, for the sake of human existence... the powers that be have seen it fitting to distract us with two miniature beings from the bowels of Hades...

I don't really have words for it... so I'm providing you with visuals...

I always said as soon as we had a place of our own I was going to have myself a big dog.  I'm a total dog person and the last 5 years are the only time in my life I didn't have one... however...

This is just one more very good reason why we don't yet have one... (other reasons include: dog hair, dog poop, and the fact that the cats have threatened us with legal action).

I'm officially renaming The Queen's dog "Supercallafragileistic Chewbaca Tongues-a-Lot" in the hopes that both The Queen and the toddler will be unable to remember it.  Granted... the dog might be pretty confused as well... but then again, she's not really the brightest crayon!