Sunday, January 30, 2011

Today's Pop Quiz!

I don't have a lot of attention span here today so PAY ATTENTION... (so I don't have to).
1.  Today was brought to you by my new word...
Definition anyone?
It's clear to me those skirts are going to have to get a hell of a lot shorter if any of you intend to pass my class!
Spazercise refers to the outrageously ridiculous number of calories that you will burn during a SPAZ-ATTACK!!  (i.e. Me, flitting around like a fucking hummingbird on crack making beds and twittering away in my little brain in a complete oblivious manner until it is brought to my attention that I'm dripping sweat and probably on the verge of some unnatural heart arrhythmia that is sure to land me a staring role in an episode of House M.D.) 

Unfortunately, Spazercise is NOT an efficient exercise regimen as it is all too often followed by the 'bi' part of 'polar' where every ounce of energy says goodBYE and you drown yourself in a buckets of KFC and Baskin Robbins!  Nonetheless, Spazercise remains my key cardio workout... (basically my employer approves of this method whereas she's not too keen on the thought of me having sex on the job).

2. What does a dead hooker smell like?
Holy Shitnuggets!!
Are you fucking kidding me?
You think for one minute I'm going to trust any of you if you can't even tell the difference between the smell of the gator's rancid leftovers and the stench of a dead hooker someone forgot to cover with enough lye?

And furthermore.... Do you know how hard it is to answer this question for you without some sort of SMELL-transporting technology?  I'll do my best with this interactive lab experiment.

First, take your large Tupperware storage container and pour in the entire case of beer.  STOP DRINKING IT BITCH!! YOU NEED IT ALL IN THE TUB!!!.... no... you cannot drink it when the experiment is over either... it will smell like DEAD HOOKER!!!

Next, drop in SEX SHEETS.  You know the ones.... you fucked on them!

Now add a couple pairs of used socks, a can of tuna fish, and the leather purse.  Simmer on low until the smell permeates your nostrils and imprints on your cerebral cortex.  If you can endure this smell for 30 minutes without gagging or calling the police, you can apply as a housekeeper.

I seriously prepared myself for body parts as I opened drawers in this room.  I finally texted a co-worker and informed her I needed her help to flip the mattress because I was certain there was a dead hooker in it.  Oh well, guess the bellman can handle that mess.

3. What is the 5th inner circle of Hell?

If you answered 'Anger'... You get an "F" for CHEATING! 
If you answered 'Anger' without Google... get the fuck out of my classroom!  We will not be reading Dante's Inferno in here and if you've read it, you're smarter than me... GET THE FUCK OUT!

The real answer is 'Housekeeping'.  I came to this conclusion today.  Surprisingly, it was not because of the dead hooker smell.  It was because of a vacuum cleaner.  A vacuum cleaner that could not pick up a fragment of potato chip.  In utter disgust, I finally wrangled the cobra-like hose from it's holster to zap the resilient chip fragment.  And I'll be damned if I didn't pull the fucking carpet off the ground......... no..... it wasn't a rug.........  it was the full, wall-to-wall, carpeting......... WHAT THE FUCKOVER?  You can't nab a chip but you'll eviscerate the carpet?  You'll devour a guests cell phone charger?  You'll shred the fucking sheets if they look at you wrong?  And I won't even go into the tug-of-war we had with the bed skirt the other day!!  But a CHIP?  The chip is impervious?  I suddenly felt like Prometheus having my liver eaten out. (yes, we study Greek mythology... we're you fucking paying attention?  No?  You were reading Dante's Inferno!  *facepalm*)

4.  After 31 years, I finally discovered why I like men more than women.... not just for their DICKS!....  I know you're shocked!  I mean, AS FRIENDS(It's hard for you to wrap your mind around that... I know)  For the sake of understanding we'll let this category include 'friends with benefits' otherwise I'll be her all night trying to make you understand you can be around a guy without having his dick in your mouth.....

But seriously!  I figured it out!  WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO BAFFLING?!?!  It's simple.

In the face of tragedy (or the aftermath if you've been stuck on a desert island being ass raped by gorillas), a WOMAN will comfort you with her words.  She'll talk to you, tell you warm fuzzy shit, try to make you laugh, ask questions, ask if you're okay, and otherwise show real genuine concern.

Are you with me?... a light bulb just went off in your head didn't it?  Ever had a guy do that?

Nope.  Regardless of the incident, tragedy, or misfortune, a MAN will do one of 3 things
  1. Give you a hug and talk about something totally unrelated; 
  2. Give you a beer and talk about something totally unrelated;  
  3. Cop a feel and talk about something totally unrelated.
This method is highly appealing to me because
A) I dig hugs
B) I love beer
C) I love having my ass grabbed at random intervals and
D) I'm all about avoidance as a coping mechanism*. 
If we don't have to talk about the giant pink elephant that has his dick in your ear then he's probably not really there... but I have a feeling the baggie of LSD in my pocket is leaking!!  Frankly, it's his dick and your ear so I don't really have to say anything, but it IS going on YouTube!

*If you are suddenly overcome with concern that my mental stability may be challenge by my inability to properly cope with tragedy and adversity, let me reassure you that I properly balance avoidance with sarcasm, disdain, denial, repression, distraction, drugs, alcohol, and homicidal thoughts.  I'm perfectly well-rounded and well-adjusted.  If you don't believe me, ask my shrink!


Please hand in your tests, your notes, your wallets, and a few grams of coke before leaving the classroom.  See you next week!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Badass Blogger Award

Heather over at Teens and a Toddler has been so kind to bless me with this wonderful award.   Isn't that just fabulousness?  *heart*   Thank You Heather!!  (pst... she made me thank her... it was a stipulation... but I'd have done it anyway *wink*)
There's some RULES (shame on you Heather!) for accepting this award.
Hmph... I'm the Empress... I make the rules!!  You should know that!

FIRST... I have to ramble on about the things that are on my mind.  That's kinda like getting paid to breathe isn't it?  Of course we totally know I deserve to be awarded just for the amazing wonder that is ME!!
So anyway...

Today's thoughts:
I HATE MICE.  Oh I FUCKING (with a capital F-U-C-K) hate mice!  We have/had this brazen, balls of a grizzly, mouse in our house.  I can/could hear him at night chewing away inside my walls.  50 traps later and not a single one has been set off.  Not shitting you... snap traps, no-see-um traps, mouse-condo traps... no mouse!  I finally demanded sticky traps because the mother-fucking-cocksucker has decided he could pop up on the coffee table in the evening and grab the leftovers from dinner... right in front of a 3-year-old.  Did I mention I hate mice?  The only thing worse than knowing you have a mouse is actually SEEING THE FUCKER!!  The only thing worse than that is having him EAT YOU SHIT right in front of you and keep coming back for more!  ASS-FUCKING-HOLE!!

Anyway... not the point.  I caught the bastard!  The O.C. spotted the icky vermin and I immediately set out a post dinner snack and a sticky trap.  SUCCESS!!  *dancing around in glee at the sound of mousy squeals*  Except for one problem... he's only stuck by his TAIL!  What the HOLY FUCKTARD?  What the hell do you do with a mouse caught in a trap by only it's tail?  HELL NO!  This is panic setting in.  I know if he gets loose he is never falling for that shit again... he's too fucking Einstein geniusness!

I know he's going to get loose!

*call the P.C.*
(He's 30 miles away at work, like he can do anything!)

He says, "Put a box over it."  Well fuck!  That would work... maybe... it's better than me freaking out.

Thankfully, in the freaktarded hunt for a box, I had the brains to think ahead.  I grabbed a couple more traps and set them in the directions I knew he would run to should he finally get that tail loose.  I then set to making the O.C. pick up every toy, bobble, dead cat, doll, block, paper, loaded weapon, etc. so he had nowhere to 'hide' if he escaped.  After all this hard work, I started pulling out the coffee table to get to the partially stuck mouse.



I just heard him squeaking in horror?!?!?!

And like that... *poof* ...he's gone?

And then out of the corner of my ear I heard it.


I caught the little shit full chested on the sticky trap I placed along the escape route!
oh yeah...
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! some more!!!!

My punishment for relishing in the slow and tragic death of this creature?

I just spent the last 3 hours listening to him squeak little death squeaks trying in vain to escape from his glue covered grave!  MUHAHAHA!  I'm a soft-hearted animal lover and normally that would nearly bring tears to my eyes knowing it was suffering like that.  But since its a mouse who has been terrorizing me for MONTHS... I'm somehow unmoved.  I turned up my music and when he does get loud enough to hear it sort of brings an evil smile to my lips.

Yeah yea... I might be going to Hell... and PETA is sure going to be all over this shit... but I'm pleased to announce there will be one less disease causing, crumb munching, vermin in the world.

Now I'm supposed to award this fabulous award to a handful of wonderful new bloggers...
Unfortunately, I don't really have any new reads lately.  I've been trying to keep up (to some extent) on my regulars, and have failed even at that.  I'm still trying to get some finishing touches on this blog design, plus I was just enlisted to do a design for a friend.  So when I'm not totally pissing away my life on facebook, I'm busy pretending to be a good Mom (hey, I'm winging it... she didn't come with a manual!) and holding down a job.

So what I'm going to do is hold onto this award (I'm a selfish bitch like that!)... but seriously, when I get shit together and get a chance to browse some new bloggers, I'll be sure to give this award to them.

Here's to a good week, weekend, end of the month... however long it takes for me to get everything together.

Now go show Heather some love for recognizing my awesomeness!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

This Random Rant was brought to you by...

The Resident Jr. Terrorist, OGRE CHILD!

My 3-year-old walks out of the bathroom today with her butt in the air, her panties around her ankles, and toilet paper in hand.  "Mommy, will you help me wipe my butt?"

What can I say, it fits with my PWT philosophy... Please Wipe Tushy!

Later, she announced that she had lost her green car... you know... the small one like the orange one... I lost it in the bathroom.  I told her to go look for it and she informed me she could not reach it.  So I got up to retrieve the car for her.  When I got to the bathroom she pointed at the toilet and said, "It's way down there, I can't see it no more!"  Ummmm... yeah... honey, if the potty ate it, it's gone forever!  Why was it in the potty?  She quickly changed the subject, "Oh, it's okay Mommy, I've still got my orange one!"

On my list of Mommy might go crazy trends... TAG!  At any random moment during the day she will run up and smack you yelling "Tag, you're it! Now come get me!"  *blink blink*  Honey, I'm on the shitter, we can't play tag right now!

I'm not sure I've ever mentioned that the O.C. is Hindu.... (aka she doesn't eat COWS).  Chicken?  Sure.  Hot dogs?  Yeppers.  Beef?  NO THANKS!  Imagine my utter shock when she ate an entire Manwich and asked for another!!!  WOOHOO!!

Disney SUCKS!  Specifically, Disney CARS!  I have a little girl who literally watched Cars until the DVD broke.  She is soooo obsessed with it that I had to use the Wii to record all of the Mater Tales to DVD for her.  The only thing she will watch is the Noggin Channel (except Oobi which I've convinced her is a BAD show!), Cars and Tom & Jerry.  Tonight, I finally corrupted her mind with Garfield because I NEEDED A CHANGE!!!!!  No shit!  I cannot watch the same thing on two televisions all day long.  I'll go Ted Bundy on some unsuspecting soul.  Next I intend to introduce her to the lost art of Looney Tunes!!!  MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And I leave you with a smile brought to you by the OC and her favorite board books.

Monday, January 17, 2011


If you haven't read CB's post today, you need to.  That, my dear readers, is why we are sisters.  I've been gone all day with the family.  I didn't even realize it was MLK day until I tried to go to a government building and found it closed.  I certainly have no beef with honoring what I believe was a great man.  However, CB took the words right out of my mouth.  I HAVE NEVER ENSLAVED ANYONE!  (Well, that one time with Prince Charming doesn't count because he totally loved it!)  I do not judge people based on their race, heritage, religion, or otherwise quirky habits.  I judge people based on whether they act like total jackasses or not!  I don't care if your skin is purple.  I don't care if you can only speak Spanglish.  If you are a genuine person who treats me with kindness and respect, I will return the same to you.

So, in honor of today, I will support CB's thoughts 100%,
And here you can read my 2009 rant on the matter.

I am a PROUD American.
I am PROUD of my Irish heritage.
PROUD of my English linage.
I am PROUD of my German ancestry.

I am PROUD to say I come from good stock.
PROUD of the hardships my ancestors endured.
I am PROUD of the turmoil they encountered.

I am PROUD to trace my family back to the monarchs of England.
PROUD to trace it back to the Mormon pioneers.
And PROUD to trace it back to North Carolina farmers.


I refuse to feel pity for the misfortunes of anyone else's ancestors.

The trials of ALL our ancestors made us the strong and diverse nation that we are today!


Saturday, January 15, 2011

Royal Feuding Sisters?

There seems to be a debate as to how big of a Battle Royale this Queendom/Empire fiasco is going to get.
I do believe it was the intentions of The Queen and The Dutch to pit the sisters against each other so they could sit back and laugh as we tore each other apart.

You've gotta be kidding me?
CB and I don't fight over people and kingdoms!
The closest thing you'll see to a war between the two of us is a minor cat fight over who gets to wear the kick ass stilettos on her date tonight!

Silly things like shoes and shiny jewels
could never REALLY come between us!
Then again... she does have some hot clothes too...
and those hooker boots...

But we're sisters. 
The bond between us can't be severed by petty shit.
Wait... I almost forgot about that awesome lipstick shade she has.

Seriously, we may be petty and materialistic at times,
but family is family!
And then there's the hot cabana boys that followed her to Oz...

No Royal ever let a man come between her and the ones she loves.

I do kinda miss those damn flamingos!!!







And in case that wasn't enough laughter for you... watch the video that inspired the badge!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Please Wear CROWN!

What happens when the Royal New Years Party gets completely out of hand and lasts a little too long?

Royals start sobering up one by one and realizing what fools they made out of themselves and run off in shame and disgust.  It's been a Royal mess for the last week trying to keep track of who is embarrassed for getting caught in a compromising position with a waiter and who caught an STD trying to find their shoes in the gator pond.  I wake up from what I thought was a hell of a great night only to find out it's been 2 weeks and I don't even know which hookers are staying in which rooms!

One of you bitches better hire a cleaning crew to tidy up this mess because if I step in a mysterious goo one more time while I'm trying to get a midnight cocktail, I just might let the gators come inside for 'snack time'.

The best I can figure, that whore CB ran off to OZ to rock out her flashy new crown (I use the term lightly).  The last party I attended in OZ got a bit out of hand and I was able to sneak a peak at the royal jewels.  Can you say tin foil and swarovski crystal?  Psh... she can act like she's the shit and all, but Oompa Loompas make much better 'free labor' than Munchkins.  We all know she's going to tear up the road and hock the gold bars for shoes anyway.  And as for that Emerald City?  Empty Heineken bottles!  Some one clearly slipped her a little too much LSD in her New Year Cocktail!

After that The Queen and The Dutch took one look at the disaster CB left behind and decided they were too old for this shit!  Whores ran off to a retirement home and left me to clean up this mess!!


I got the crown and no one had to die?
What a buzz kill...
I was kinda looking forward to death and mayhem... or maybe I've been playing too many zombie games lately.
Oh well, You all know I'm gonna ROCK THE CROWN!!

As for the kingdom?  Question #13 made it clear that I aspire to be an evil world dictator... okay, so I didn't specify the EVIL part, but is there such a thing as a 'good' dictator?

I thought about renaming myself the Führer, but I'm not really the genocide type of evil.  Can we combine Robin Hood and dictatorship?  'Cause I'm really a sweet person if you deserve for me to be sweet.  I love my Royal family to death though.

It took a lot of thought and careful calculating, but I've finally decided what kind of ruler I will be.  Basically take all the goodness and wisdom of King Solomon and the good looks of Grace Kelly and the vengeful temper of Vlad the Impaler!  That should wrap it up nicely don't you think.  With my new aspirations for WORLD DOMINATION (or at least a vast moral corruption) you can now refer to me as The Empress of Everything!!  MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The following issues must be addressed immediately:
I'm knighting my bodyguard Ariana and giving her an official title:  Sheriff of Sluttingham.  While I still expect her to oversee the protection of myself and my prized possession... she now has the power of a badge.  I expect her to totally exploit this newly received power in every way possible to benefit the realm.

If the Dame & Countess choose to stay, we are definitely going to have to come up with something spectacular to promote them both.

As for the rest of the staff members...
If you wish to stay, let me know what your plans are (Since I have 5 less mouths to drug, now would be the time to suggest a promotion!)
If you wish to leave you can turn in your keys and sexy shoes at the front gate!
If you feel you are getting too old for this shit, contact The Queen or The Dutch to see if they have any openings at the retirement home.  I promise to point and laugh at you in your rusty ol' walkers!

Quid Pro Quo (The Final Chapter)

67 - How much cash do you typically carry around with you?
I like to have a $20 on me at all times.  Sometimes it lasts me a day, sometimes it lasts me a month.

68 - Last book you read?
A Disney Cars book to the OC last night.  But that's about to change when the PC gets home with my new House of Night book, Awakened.

69 - Ever have a one night stand?
Yep!  He was sweet.  He was hot.  We were drunk.  But he was not... shall we say... equipped!  I have never had to try so hard in my entire life to make a man realize there was never going to be an 'us'.  This is why every woman should have a FWB to fall back on in a bind.

70 - Ever been in a fist fight? If so, explain. If not, make one up.
Once upon a time, a dozen of my friends got a drunken idea to get even with a group of Wannbe Mexicangsters.  Long story short, most of them chickened out and one guy was left to face a house of 20+ very pissed off men.  Being the brazen bitch I am, I stormed the fort and cleared the room.  Assholes did not know what hit them!  I left them standing there in awe as I walked out with my friend.  This incident may or may not have led to the previously mentioned incident.

71 - Name one song that if you never heard it ever again, you'd be thrilled.
At this particular moment... since it's played for umpteen hours straight on my TV... I must say, "We did it!  We did it! BLAH FUCKING BLAH!" from Dora the Explorer.

72 - No way Jose. What say you?
I know Jose... it's not his real name!  He's a sweetheart!

73 - If a cow laughed what would shoot through its nose?
I grew up on a cattle ranch... you SO don't want to know what comes out a cows nose!

74 - If you sneezed onto a computer, would it get a virus?
Probably... computer have shitty immune systems!

75 - If you made it onto the Price is Right, what game would you prefer to play?
I never was a big fan...  I just want to spin the wheel and win the showcase with the car.  Thanks!

76 - How did the cow jump over the moon?
That's what happens when you keep the bulls penned up for too long.  There's some serious pressure built up and only one release valve!

77 - Do you smoke cigarettes, and if not have you ever?
Yes.  Though on days like today when I've totaled a whopping 4 all day... I don't really know why.  Unfortunately, the minute I slip behind the wheel of a car, I know my restraint will go straight out the window.

78 - Name 3 bands/acts/singers you are afraid to admit you love
Lady Gaga, Garth Brooks, Bryan Adams... though it's really no surprise.  I love almost all music.

79 - If you could have a one 'superpower', what would it be?
Telekinesis... mainly because I'm a lazy bitch and it would make looking for the remote a hell of a lot easier!

80 - Do you use Facebook/Twitter/Myspace/LinkedIn/etc? Which do you use more and why?
Mostly just Facebook.  That is distracting enough.

81 - What's the worst job you've ever worked?
After a lot of thought, I've concluded it is my current job.  Hotel Housekeeping is absolutely horrible work for shitty wages.  But they work around PC's schedule so it's hard to complain much.

82 - Does size matter?
Depends on what we're talking about.  I mean, if we're talking about diamonds the answer is a definite YES!

83 - How do you take your coffee or tea?
I like my milk and sugar with a splash of coffee and chocolate.
I like my tea black, no sugar, on ice, best made by The Queen.

84 - What's your favorite phrase?
What a cluster-fuck!

85 - Whose feet smell worse, yours or mine?
Mine... I promise!  But yours stink too!

86 - What celebrity do you most resemble?
On a good day, Grace Kelly (says the face recognition thingie)
On a bad day, Christopher Walken!

87 - What's your favorite word that's not in the dictionary?
cunt*tas*tic ~adj. appearing to be derived from a cunt.  "I never know what that cunttastic bitch is going to belch from her throathole next."

88 - Can a short person talk down to a tall person?
HELL YES!  All 5'4" of me will talk you straight into a fetal position if you happen to be a super douche who deserves a smackdown!

89 - Describe the last thing to have flown into your ear.
The rare and elusive wax fairy.  I haven't caught the bitch yet, but I recognize the mess she leaves behind.  You just wait until I get my patent finalized... that glittery whore won't know what hit her!

90 - As far back as you can remember, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be a veterinarian... until I was 17.  Why?  Because I love animals!  And then it dawned on me... I love animals.  Awwww... how sad it would be to see all those poor animals that you knew you wouldn't be able to help.  Those PPPPOOOOOOORRRR things!  I simply could not handle watching innocent animals go through horrible suffering.  So I majored in Psychology instead!

91 - Which TV show's setting would you most like to live in?
HOUSE M.D.  But I just want to be that hot chick he's always flirting with at the bar or clinic.  I don't want to actually be dying or treating people!

92 - Can a vegetarian eat animal crackers?
They can only eat the giraffes and elephants.  The lions eat meat so they're off limits!

93 - Does the cheese stand alone?

94 - Is it worth the effort?
Not if you're swimming up stream!

95 - Would you own a pet seal?
No.  Too much work.  But could I get a coat made out of one?

96 - Pot - legalize it - yes or no?
YES.  If they don't legalize it and tax it, they're going to find it's cheaper to smoke pot than it is to smoke cigarettes.

97 - What's wrong with fake breasts?
Not a damn thing if they look nice.  It's the botch jobs that scare me!

98 - If a bee is allergic to pollen would it get the hives?
If so, the honey would have to listen to it drone on about how much it hurts!

99 - Name at least one food item you eat that most don't.
It actually still surprises me how many people will not eat canned spinach.  YUMMY!

100 - What's the meaning of life?
One thing!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Quid Pro Quo (Part 2 of 3)

34 - Favorite number?

35 - Favorite type of pet?
I'm a dog person.  So why then do we have 3 (+2 in the winter) male cats instead of a dog?  Because, they adopted us and since they don't require attention, affection, or the comfort of my home... they get to stay!

36 - Favorite sexual position?
Due to the extensiveness of this study, our facility is unable to give a definitive 'winner' at this time.  Officials estimate that our current staff will be able to complete this study sometime in the next 80 years.  If you're dying to know the answer you'll have to be present when they read the will!

37 - Least favorite sexual position?
Again, the study is incomplete and therefore I cannot give a definitive answer.

38 - Is it better to give or receive?
I'm a giver, but I'm more than happy to do my fair share of receiving!

39 - When's the last time you vomited?
Sometime last week.

40 - Name one product you use that everyone ought to use.
Common Sense

41 - What's worse - having your period or spraining your ankle?
OMG!  Like you have to ask this?  I'd suffer through a BROKEN ankle if it meant I didn't have to have my period!

42 - What sport can you play well?
Do billiards count?  I'm not saying I'm good at it, just that I look good playing it in my mini-skirt and fishnets!  That's got to count for something!

43 - What's the funniest thing you've heard/seen/done in the past week?
Well, there's the DBP scandal.  There's my surprise Royal Party.  There's the wenis!  And there's a card on my desk wishing me a Happy Zombie-free Birthday!  That's not counting the OC's toddlerisms or the PC's antics!  On my worst day I am able to find something funny!

44 - Are you interested in being friends with someone on death row?
Ummm... I have enough dangerous weirdos in my family tree.  I don't need to communicate with random death row inmates!

45 - What's 4+3*800/3?
The Royal Family is really disappointing me here!  The answer is 804.  You bitches better stay away from my checkbook!

46 - Who would make a better President - Sarah Palin or Cookie Monster?
Cookie Monster for sure!

47 - Have you ever done a snow angel in the nude?
Why?  Throwing bare body parts into freezing white powder is not my idea of fun on any level.  I'm more likely to make a sand angel in the nude... even then there's the whole sand in the crack of my ass! 

48 - Who's your favorite Golden Girl?
Hands down it's Blanche!  She's such a whore you've gotta love her!

49 - Have you ever taken a dump out a window?
Ummmm.... can't say I've ever been that desperate!

50 - Favorite kind of ice cream?
Ben & Jerry's HALF BAKED... you're totally not shocked, I know!

51 - Have you ever used Magic Shell on a member of the opposite sex?
Since I don't even know what it is, I can answer with certainty that I have not!

52 - If you live in California, is Japan still considered to be the "Far East?"
Yes! *eye roll* It's not called the 'Far East' because it was hard to walk there from Hollywood!

53 - What's the last thing you touched aside from the keyboard or the mouse?
The Reese's PB cup I handed the OC.  Before that, the fork I was eating my chocolate brownie with.  Before that I was probably picking my nose.

54 -Assuming you own an iPod/mp3 player, hit random and list the artist/song for the next five entries.
Break - Three Days Grace

Lady Marmalade - Moulin Rouge
(I thought this was more than appropriate for The Royals!)

55 - Who's better - Rolling Stones or the Beatles?
Not my generation so I actually had to research this subject.  After all, I have very eclectic music interests but I don't always know the original artists of the songs.  The final verdict was for The Beatles.  There's just too many hits I'm familiar with and love to deny it.  Ironically, I had no idea that my Sgt Floyd Pepper song from yesterday was actually a Beatles song!  I'm such a ditz!

56 - Who's the funniest comedian, living or dead in your opinion?
Hands down it's George Carlin

Followed very closely by Robin Williams

57 - 20 years ago, Magic Johnson announced he had HIV. Is he bluffing?
Is he still alive?  WOW!  I DID not know that!
58 - Who do you consider to be the biggest male sex symbol?
I'm torn between Russell Crowe & Gerard Butler!
59 - Who do you consider to be the biggest female sex symbol?
Angelina Jolie vs. Pink (both have bad ass meets HOT)

60 - What's one food that most people eat, that you refuse to?
White Bread... I generally avoid it at all costs!

61 - What's your best feature?
My eyes... followed closely by the rest of my smokin' body!
62 - Ever have a zit on your ass?
This question just doesn't belong.  A more appropriate question would be something like, "Ever have a zit on your ass that you had to bribe someone else to pop just so you could sit without pain?"
63 - Having finished peeing after holding it in for quite a while is satisfying. What say you?
I say there are some serious grammatical errors in that fragment.
64 - Adam Sandler is funnier than Will Ferrell. What say you?
Most definitely.  I must agree with The Queen on this one... Will Ferrell is NOT funny!
65 - A/S/L? (age/sex/location)
Age: 31
Sex: Yes Please!
Location: I'd prefer a warm beach with a hot Cabana boy... Thank you!
66 - How many credit cards do you have?
Enough to keep me in debt for the rest of my life if I so choose to overuse them.
Stay tuned for the final installment of this random question saga!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Happy Birthday to ME!

In dedication of my birthday I think I'll follow suit with the rest of the group and tell you a whole bunch of useless crap about The REAL Royal Princess!!  Because you KNOW you're DYING to hear about me!
But on a side note... PC & OC threw me a miniature surprise party at a little after midnight.  I was called to the office by my daughter's voice... "MOMMY!  COME'ERE!  ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY!!" 
I paused the Wii and headed to the office.  The lights were off, the computer was off, I assumed they'd gone upstairs.  Halfway up the stairs I was informed they were in the office.  I thought to myself, "WTF are those weirdos up to?" 
Standing in the doorway, I asked why the lights were all off.  No response. 
The light switch is on the other side of the room by the dining room entrance.  I informed the silent darkness, "I am NOT coming in this dark room!  Something will probably eat me!"  Still no response. 
I slid along the wall in the darkness towards the light switch (yes, I now realize it would have been easier to just walk around to the other door... but it would have been so less dramatic!).  In the far corner of the room I can hear snickering. 
As I flip on the switch, PC and OC yell "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" 
I was then pelted with a couple of balloons and given a handmade birthday card from the two of them. 
HOW PRICELESS IS THAT?  You know your ice-cold hearts just melted!
And now... back to all the wonderful factuals you are required to memorize to assure my complete satisfaction and happiness.  Wait... that's PC... he had to memorize this shit.  You?  You just get to read it and stand back in awe that he puts up with me!!

1 - How old do you act?
Being the classy, intellectual woman that I am, I use a complex formula to determine the age that I will act on any given day.  The formula is as follows (My Actual Age - 10 years) + (Hours Worked x 2) / (The # Of People On My Shit List).  On a good day it figures out to the fun loving bar-hopping age of 21.  On a bad day, it's closer to 40-something.  And if enough people piss me off on a really bad day... I am capable of hitting the immature mark of 12... but even then, I'm one classy bitch!

2 - Why is the sky blue?
I'm sure I read in Genesis that God farts blue!

3 - Do you burp, fart, or both in front of others?
It depends on the location, event, and company.  In my house around our closest friends?  I am not ashamed to burp... though I do have enough class and manners to excuse myself.  Fogging up the place is a whole 'nother story though.  Someone could DIE if I did that!!  I reserve such torture only for the company of immediate family members!

4 - Someone's writing a book based on your life. What would the title be?
I Couldn't Make This Shit Up

5 - How many days in a row can you go without taking a dump?
Are we competing here?  I wish you would have told me, I'd have held that post-op 'plug' in a little longer.

6 - Favorite childhood cartoon?
The 80's had the BEST cartoons.  How will I ever choose?  She-Ra, Fraggle Rock, Duck Tales, Beetlejuice, Ghostbusters, Inspector Gadget, The Jetsons, Rainbow Brite, The Smurfs, AND Jem... to name a few.

7 - Have you ever caught someone in the act of masturbating?
Um... 'caught' or 'walked in on'?  Because there's a clear difference.  'Caught' is when you open the bathroom door to find your room-mate jerking off to the lingerie section of the Sear's catalogue.  You both are apt to scream in horror.  'Walked in on' is when you wake up in the middle of the night and decide you need a smoke.  As you walk through the living room you see your significant other waxing one off to the late night Cinemax flick.  You nod and mumble, "Couldn't sleep?" and he responds with, "Looks like we could both use a little Ambien."

8 - Favorite food to make/bake/cook/etc?
Macaroni + Favorite Spaghetti Sauce (Serve PC)
Add 1 can of Mixed Vegetables (Serve the OC)
Then add 1/4 pkg. Cream Cheese and 1/2 can Spinach (I will inhale the remainder of the meal before dawn)

9 - What's one redeeming quality about mushrooms?
The make the most out of a pile of shit!

10 - What's wrong with Richard Simmons?
What's wrong with Curly from the Three Stooges teaching Jazzercize lessons?  EVERYTHING!

11 - Name one celebrity who needs to come out of the closet.
Haven't they all?  I thought that was the new 'cool' thing.

12 - Name one redeeming quality about asparagus.
It's a quality phallic symbol

13 - If "We Are the Champions", what are you?
An aspiring evil dictator just waiting for her opportunity to take over the world!

14 - What's something they taught you in school that should never be taught to anyone?
Typing!  Totally a necessary skill, but I didn't actually learn anything from being taught it.  My teacher hated me because she'd catch me looking at my fingers typing away a mile a minute.  How?  Rote memory.  I'd memorize 3 or 4 lines of text and then type away like a mad woman.  She HATED me!  I was still having my speed typer of a mother type my papers my Senior year.  How do I type now?  About 75 wpm 99% accuracy without looking at the keys... but I hit 95% of the keys with my index and middle fingers.  If you made me keep all the right fingers on the right keys I'd type about 10 wpm with 40% accuracy!

15 - What's the deal with Steven Seagal anyways?
Aside from the movie Under Siege... not a damn thing.  Maybe I just liked that movie for Miss July!  Or maybe I'm just a sucker for a guy in the navy whites... mmmmmmmmmmmmm!

16 - Name two movies that should have never been made.
Only 2?  Lady in the Water & The Village both M. Night Shymalan films that utterly disgusted me in comparison to his other works.  Though they are NOT the worst films I've ever seen, they are among the most disappointing because of his previously amazing works.  The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is another disappointment by comparison.

17 - Do you enjoy to point, stare, and laugh at others?
At their stupidity, moronicness, and idiocy?  Yes.  I generally refrain from laughing at the handicap or otherwise less fortunate, but I will confess there are moments when I cannot help myself.  I simply acknowledge that I will probably burn in hell for my horrible behavior.

18 - Name one or more words that every time you hear them, make you cringe.
Snow, Nebraska, and any mention of my ex-husband.  All things are equally distasteful to me.

19 - Have you ever put anything up your ass?
I don't believe in animal cruelty.  Though I'm pretty sure the local nativity might have made the papers for the activity between Mary and a certain barnyard critter!

20 - What can you do better than most?
Depends on who you ask.  My friends would say I draw better.  My relatives will tell you I'm an expert at psychological warfare.  And PC... well, it's none of your business what PC thinks I do better than anyone else!

21 - Have you smoked pot?
Like ever?  Or just in the last 15 minutes or so?  I refuse to answer these questions without my lawyer present!

22 - Would you wrestle a member of the same sex, nude, in pudding for 10 minutes for one million dollars?
You have no idea the levels to which I would willingly stoop to get my hands on a million dollars.  And if we're talking tax free cash... I'd throw almost all moral and scruple straight out the window!

23 - Happiest moment of your life?
EVERY DAY!  I try to live that way (and sometimes fail miserably).  The OC definitely gives me plenty of reasons that each day is the happiest (which makes up for the straight-jacket she's bound to land me in by the time she's a teenager!)

24 - Name in order, the body parts of the opposite sex you notice first.
Again... I need specifics... is he naked?  Because my eyes are naturally going to check out the goods first if he has no pants on.  Not that I think it's the most appealing body part, but I'm definitely curious if we're talking about a limo or a mini coupe!  With his clothes on?  EYES, SMILE, ASS

25 - What or where's the furthest you've been away from home?
I think it's a toss up between Utah and Michigan.  I'm not pulling up the Google Maps to determine which trip was longer.  I do know the only difference between driving across the entire state of Wyoming and the entire state of Iowa is that you have to climb a mountain to get out of one, and you have to cross a river to get out of the other!

26 - Have you ever been to Africa?
Yeah, sure... I magically managed to squeeze Africa in between Utah and Michigan.  I've never even seen an ocean let alone had any urge to cross it for the sake of visiting some third-world half-starved sun-dried land of desolation!  I prefer my water served without the HIV/Malaria cocktail!

27 - Can you currently do a split?
Not without falling off my chair and doing irreparable damage to parts of my body which I deem highly valuable!

28 - What's better - a knee-jerk reaction or a polish knee slap?
What's better?  A good ol' pistol whippin!

29 - Ever given anyone a dutch oven?
I'm sure my daughter got one the other night since she insists on sleeping with the blankets over her face.

30 - What's your favorite kind of apple?
Apple Pucker (PC totally called me on this and said, "POSER!  You're only saying that to be 'cool'!")
So in truth... My homemade apple-oatmeal muffins.  One of the few things I know how to cook well.

31 - Favorite Muppet?
This is another really hard one:  The Muppets are the SHIT!!  I couldn't help but give you the YouTube links for some of my favorites.  You HAVE to check some of these out... namely the last two links and the embedded clip.

32 - Squash just doesn't sound very tasty. What say you?
Acorn squash with brown sugar.  NOM NOM!

33 - How many sexual partners have you had?
Enough to be experienced but not enough to be considered a slut.
Lets just say I still know each of their full names, birth dates, parents, siblings, and eye color.
You can decide whether I am selective or if I just have a damn good memory!

(bear with me or else you'll end up getting one word responses by the time I reach 50)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

By Royal Decree

For most of you, this is old news.  The Royals were quick to get the news and send all their dearest thoughts to us.  But for those who haven't had a chance to get caught up, I figure I'll fill you in.

We ended up in the emergency room late Sunday evening because I was experiencing horrible pain.  I was transported by ambulance to another hospital for an ultrasound which revealed an ectopic pregnancy and a ruptured tube.  Early Monday morning I had emergency laproscopy surgery to remove the tube and repair the damage.  The surgery went well and I was resting comfortably by 4 AM.  Due to a previous surgery, this incident means I will no longer be able to have children naturally.
I won't deny this is a great loss to us.  We have both wanted more children in our lives.  However, I refuse to let this moment define me.  It is what it is.  We are blessed with an amazingly wonderful little girl who is the light of our lives.  I cannot drown in sorrow at the loss of an imagined future when our future is shining so brightly right in front of me.  No doubt there will be moments when I feel cheated by the hand we've been dealt, but again... it is what it is.

So today, surrounded by more love and friendship than I know what to do with, I demand by Royal Decree that there will be no sad thoughts.

Today I will at my SIL who has offered her two daughters on loan anytime we want.
...laugh at my old friend who still says she wants to marry me.
...embrace all the warm thoughts my friends and family have been sending our way. my husband, mother, and daughter for doing everything they can to make sure I'm well cared for.
...enjoy every single moment I have with my amazingly magical daughter.
And as part of this decree, I demand that YOU find at least one special thing in your life that makes all the little troubles and annoyances pale in comparison.  The Princess demands that smiles and laughter will fill her palace with its madness inducing music.

Thank you all for keeping me and my family in your thoughts.

Now, I'm off to prep myself for all the laughter I expect you to pour upon me.
Step 1 - Take a percoset so I can laugh without crying.
Step 2 - Take another percoset so it's twice as funny.