Sunday, July 18, 2010

Welcome to Walmart...

Everyone has had a day that leads to an unplanned trip to Walmart.  You know the day...

The dog broke his collar, the husband is coming home from a long business trip and you're out of chocolate syrup.
Not thinking, you rush through the store grabbing the items you need... only to find yourself standing at the back of the line holding a leather collar, a box of Trojans and a bottle of chocolate syrup. About halfway to the register it hits you!! "OMG! I look like a total sex freak!!"

Now what?  Do you scramble around looking for the half-stoned sorority girl who is too blond to connect the dots?  Do you rush to the nearest isle and buy $50 worth of saltines and paper towels in the hopes to hide the awkward scenario?  Or do you suck it up, put a devious smile on your face and head to the register proud of your deceptive innuendo?

If you're like me... you not only pull off the ruse... you spend the entire 40 minute drive home contemplating other dubious combinations.

I'm not talking about the normal Tampax + Midol + granny panties combo.  That's just too real.  And while the cashier might be slightly tickled and immaturely giggle about it afterwards... there's really no shock factor there.  It's just a fact of life.

I'm talking about something that will really have them talking in the break room...
Like KY jelly, Duct tape, and a Plan-B pill!!
Don't forget to wink at the cashier.
Better yet...
A pregnancy test, wire coat hangers, and Extra-Strength Tylenol!
Or if you're more of a devious sort
A butcher knife, Woolite stain remover, and a large rug. 
Even better if you pretend to be having a disgruntled conversation on the phone.  Include the phrases, "I caught him with that bitch again!", "no I will not calm down," and "I'm going to kill him this time!"
Got some home repairs to take care of?  Try this combination...
Metal pipes, nails, and dry ice. 
Add a little flair by mumbling to yourself about nonsense.  Talk to the invisible man in your pocket.  And look over your shoulder suspiciously... often.
Planning a trip to Colorado?  This is a bit more subtle, but I'm sure you can make it work for you...
Ski mask, large purse, and a U.S. Atlas. 
Throw in some hair dye for an extra bonus.  Got kids with you?  Tell them, "Remember, my name is Jane and yours is Susan now!"
Now I know I've got some of your mischievous minds working overtime.  Give me your ideas... try to limit yourself to 3 items available in Walmart.  Oh... and if you are daring enough to attempt any of these combinations... I'm not providing bail money!!


  1. You are your Mother's daughter... I can't wait to read Dutchess's take on this.. I'm putting on the depends..and.. she won't even have to make it up.. she'll just use her real life shit!

  2. OMG I am dying! I am thinking a trip is now necessary just to perform those tasks. I think a pregnancy test. Tylenol. Coat hanger. And a butcher knife bleach and duct tape.

  3. butcher knife, plastic sheeting, garbage bags, duct tape, Ky, condoms and bleach. The after she is ringing you up get a pack of gum for good measure saying "Damn his/her breath is deadly!"

  4. I'm thinking some kids handcuffs, a small rubber ball and a silk scarf. Oh and for good measure throw in some cigarette lighters. :)

  5. Laxatives, water pills and depends...

    The bloggers diet!

  6. I always liked the- rope, shovel and garbage bags. Then throw in some fertilizer and pretty flowers for good measure.

  7. oh helllll. Just a few...

    * hamster
    * duct tape
    * gas powered remote control car
    BTW...who knew that by the time your strapped in little friend rode the "most kick ass hamster racetrack evah"

    (a long drop from the roof, down the drain pipe, through the grass, up the 2x4, onto the picnic table racing it's length with speeds of 105mph, so that it will lauch from said picnic table, fly through the fucking air just to land on the trampoline and bounce into the hammock 30 yards away)

    that the little fuck would have chewed through the seatbelt tape. His flight was pretty impressive, but I think he was a motherfucking kamikazi gerbil in disguise.

    Then there are the usual freakout cashier items
    *a Tai-bo video
    *Box of condoms
    *A Bicycle tire pump

    *large chef's knive
    *big shower curtain

    *Propane tank

    *Hockey Goalie Mask
    * Chainsaw
    * Map of area campgrounds

    *duct tape
    *shot gun
    *anti depressents

    * Durkee's fish batter
    * Frying pan

    *weightloss book
    *long needle (think darning needles)
    *vacume cleaner

    *set of walkie talkies

    PETA READERS....they were just gerbils and motherfucking goldfish! They reporduce fast...chill the fuck out

  8. OMFG! I think you all covered my ideas!

  9. I played.. it's at the bottom of my post,, but it's not nearly as good as the Dutchess.. You are one sick puppy woman!

  10. The Queen - WOW!! I should have listened to you about the Depends because I almost needed them. And great list :D

    The Smiths - It is so tempting isn't it? Just remember if you go too crazy, I've got nothing to spare on bail money because I'm buying stupid shit at Walmart!

    Sage - awww... yucky breath did me in! You're twisted!

    Dazee - I was with you until the lighters. That's some SERIOUS S&M there!

    CB - You're a sick bitch! At least be clean... go with the 5 gallon bucket, toilet seat and large trash bags... so you're not sitting in your own filth.

    ndsherring - I might pretend to kill someone... but I'm not even gonna PRETEND to have a green thumb :D

  11. Duchess - OMG!! I just fell out of my chair over a goldfish!! That is by far my personal favorite!!! *dies*

    I do believe I would not only buy the goldfish combo... I would return the next day with a dead goldfish, and try to return all three items :D

  12. Hi Princess! Gee this is a fun game! I would buy: a baseball bat, a chain saw, and a box of lime.

  13. Funniest post I have seen in a while. Thanks for the imagination!

  14. These were great...I read this challenge on A Daft Scotts Lass blog and posted it myslef!

    This is great!

  15. haha, that is funny. Loved all the combinations you came up with :)

  16. HILARIOUS! I think I peed my pants. Probably need depends myself. How about ammo, Midol, and rope? Or condoms, KY, and bungi cords? YIKES. You rock. Very funny.

  17. ADSL - I love that one!! Loved your post even more!!

    Mike - I'm surprised you went for the 'psycho killer' kit. I didn't picture you as that type... then again, they never seem that way do they? hmmmmm...

    cfoxes - Thank you very much! I think my readers comments are way better than the actual post!

    Christie - I hopped over and read yours. Loved it!

    Crystal - Thanks! This was really fun!

    MF - OK... you have an unfair advantage because you can put on your uniform top, a miniskirt, fishnets and stilletos... and almost anything you buy in Walmart is going to have them talking :D I'm laughing all over again just thinking of the combinations you could buy with that outfit :D