Saturday, May 22, 2010

I need to stock up on Vodka!

I'm not an Apocalypse-fear-monger.  2012 doesn't phase me.  Bring on the earthquakes, meteors, aliens, etc.  I'm a modern day princess and I can take it all in stride.  But there is one thing that scares the holy living piss out of me.

Yeah yeah yeah... don't give me that 'they're slow' bullshit either!
Michael Myers never broke a sweat slashing up the cheerleaders!
And don't get all NRA macho and tell me it just takes a shotgun to beat the zombies!
Going after a horde of zombies with a shotgun is like fighting off a locust plague with a fly swatter!
To hell with that shit!!

Zombies are the reason I live in the middle of bum fuck Egypt!  I expect to have plenty of time to pack my provisions and hide out in my attic bawling like a sissy.  It's not like zombies just spontaneously pop out of wheat fields, right?

So leave it to some whacked out fucking scientists to totally bring my greatest fear straight to my backdoor!!  That's right!  The U.S. Department of Zombie Manufacturing has decided to move their #1 top secret zombie farm to my back door!!!
"Last year, Congress appropriated $32 million for a new 520,000-square-foot National Bio and Agro-Defense Facility in Kansas"  (Manhattan, Kansas to be specific!)
So what's the big deal?  It's not like these freaks are going to study dangerous shit in my backyard!  It's not like they'll be researching anthrax.  It's not like they'll have live foot-and-mouth disease.  It's not like they'll be studying "high-consequence biological threats involving human, zoonotic (i.e., transmitted from animals to humans), and foreign animal diseases"

Yes they fucking WILL!!!

Am I the only one who saw Resident Evil?  Stephen King's 'The Stand'?  Are you fucking serious!?!?!

And why the move from Plum Island, New York to Manhattan, Kansas?  It's just because this facility is a major target for terrorism and it's not safe on the east coast!  Oh that's just fucking great isn't it?  So of all the places in the country to build it, they choose my backyard?

Oh... and you want the icing on the cake?  Manhattan, Kansas just happens to be built under a dam.  A dam which holds back 12,500 surface acres of water.  A dam that was built on what is probably the most active region of the Humbolt Fault Zone.

So yes, the intelligent minds at the Department of Homeland Security have decided to build their zombie factory in a major flood zone (even the dam couldn't hold back the flood waters in 1993) downriver from a dam sitting on a fault-line.  And frankly... all the fucking stupidity wouldn't bother me one bit if they hadn't picked a town 30 miles from my house!!!


  1. I can understand your concern. I have a nuke plant about 7 miles from my house. It is right on the coast. No way any f-ing terrorists would be interested in that...would they?

  2. Wait - there are ZOMBIE FARMS!?!? Fuck! My biggest fear and they are farming them out!? I will stay on the east coast where I can run screaming into the ocean !

  3. Yea,, well it was YOUR party that did that one.. not mine!

  4. oh WHAT? That is seriously CRAZY!!!

  5. Mike - Right because I wanted them to stick a big fat terrorism bullseye in my backyard! But I'll still take terrorists over zombies any day.

    MamaTink - EEF YOU! Keep that damn lab on the east coast with you! I don't have an ocean to run into. Like running into a wheat field is going to do any good! Geeze. Doesn't the government pay attention to Hollywood?

    Queen - Lay off the vodka... I'm not partying... I'm panicking!!! When I'm done panicking I may start packing!!!

    Crystal - Yes. Crazy+Scientist+live viruses = ZOMBIES!!! Zombies+Kansas = A whole new horror flick!

  6. you need more vodka...I said it was your PARTY that did that.. as in.. your PARTY was in charge when they voted on that little number..




  7. Oh shit bitch!

    Save some fucking room for me in that goddamn attic! Fuuuuuck that! Let's boycott that shit!

    I live about 3 or 4 hours from there... Still waaaaaaaaaaaay to close!!!

    You get the Vodka, I'll bring the Xanex... We'll stael Mom's stash before the zombie's take her out...

    Oh my god... there are so many plans that need to executed before this hostile take-over!

  8. Queen - Well, I thought you were referring to my electoral vote... but again, lay off the sauce because you've voted the same as me for the last 3 elections! Just because your vote was out of sheer spite, doesn't mean you can deny it!

    CB - NOT SHIT RIGHT!! I actually think you could be in more danger than me because you're down river! I'm SOOOO not cool with this. At least in New York I would expect some Broadway-style zombies. Kansas overall-wearing zombies seem so much worse to me!