Friday, May 28, 2010

I'm a Type 2... What's Your Excuse?

It seems The Queen is having some trouble making friends because she's a totally reclusive drunk paranoid, soft-hearted, and schizophrenic which makes it hard to open up and trust people.  So I'm dedicating this post to her and anyone else who thinks making a 'human connection' is the equivalent of shoving bamboo shafts under your fingernails.

The problem with real-life friendships is the personal connection which allows you to potentially get burned.  The secret is... expect to get burned and not give a shit about it.  I know... it seems like a very cynical approach to friendship.  How could you ever make long, lasting, meaningful bonds with someone if your friendship is based on the fact that they are probably a total asstard?  Much like gravity, I don't know the technicalities of how it works.  All I know is I count on gravity (and a few Twinkies) to keep my ass on the ground.  Same goes for cynicism.

There are four types of friends:
Type 1: The friend who is too scared of your psycho ass to fuck with you.
Type 2: The friend who thinks you're a scary fucking bitch but isn't afraid to fuck with you.
Type 3: The friend who isn't scared of you, but loves you too much to fuck with you

Type 4: The friend who is too stupid to be scared of you and will totally fuck with you.
I'm a 5'4" loud-mouthed, outspoken, spitfire who hates to have a serious moment.  The majority of my friends are young 20-somethings who fall into Type 1.  To them, I am a mother (scary!) and hysterically imbalanced (aka. a mother).  Age and attitude allow me to strike fear into their young minds.  The best way to handle Type 1 friends is to assure every six months you totally go postal on some unsuspecting stranger.  This serves only to remind them that they do NOT want to be on the other end of that psychotic melt-down. 

I am a Type 2 friend and therefore find Type 2 friends are the best!  If I'm not fucking with you... you should be worried.  I like to fuck with my friends (not literally), my relatives, co-workers, strangers, even people I pretty much hate... so you can bet if I'm not dishing a little shit in your direction... I don't like you... at all!  That being said, Type 2 friends are hard to come by.  It's the human fight vs. flight instinct that makes most people want to cower or conquer when confronted by a bitch.  Type 2 friends shoot the shit right back just to show some love.  So you're PMS'ing?  Stuff a cork in it and stop bitching!  If the idea that your friend might say something like that to you is appalling... you are NOT a Type 2 friend.  A Type 2 friend will NOT stab you in the back.  Why?  Because like myself, all Type 2 friends are open books.  With no prompting, a Type 2 will tell you the entire list of who she screwed, who she screwed around on, and who she gets a kick out of screwing with.  A Type 2 person lays it all on the table for everyone.  She can't stab you in the back because she's probably done worse (and told you about it).

I find that Type 3 friends are also very rare.  However, since Type 3 friends are usually the quieter, sweeter, more innocent types... this could simple be demographics.  It takes a persistent Type 3 to keep up with me.  Namely because I treat Type 3 friends exactly like I treat Type 2's... it takes thick skin and a good sense of humor.  It's always nice to have a good Type 3 though.  I've got a couple and I hope their prayers are enough to get me into Heaven if I'm wrong. 

Last but not least, the dreaded Type 4.  I do NOT have Type 4 friends.  I abhor stupid people.  It's okay if a person is not afraid of me.  I really don't see myself as a scary person.  I'm a semi-Buddhist who prefers to make light of life rather than argue about stupid shit (Prince Charming would definitely argue this matter).  HOWEVER... I don't like to be fucked with and if you are too stupid to realize that... you are beyond help.  There is a rare misunderstanding in which a Type 4 may be converted into a Type 1 (you only thought you were the Alpha Bitch!) but few are worth the trouble. 

So how do you handle Type 4 'friends'?  Again, it all goes back to cynicism and not giving a shit!  You can either throw them out with the morning trash (no hard feelings) or find some personal satisfaction in keeping them around.
Friend #427 (11 years) - We're Type 4 'friends' because she stole my boyfriend and got herself knocked up.  I tolerate her because I found out that like kids, men are much more fun if you can send them home when you're done.

It should be noted that under different circumstances, this woman and I would have been great Type 2 friends.  We are both very sarcastic and cynical which probably explains why we've put up with each other all these years.
I'm not saying that you should go out and screw the husband's of all Type 4's... and whatever you do, don't screw a Type 4 (screw a Type 2, date a Type 3, and marry a Type 1).  But if you happen to have a Type 4 in your life, you need to either weed them out of find some kind of enjoyment in their presence.
I'm a firm believe in mind over matter...
"If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." 
(And if you don't matter, I certainly don't mind!)
You're going to stumble upon a lot of Type 4 friends in life.  They'll stab you the back, lie, gossip, etc.  Your satisfaction is Type 4 people only get Type 4 people for friends.  Everyone else figures them out.  And while most are going to throw them out with the trash, you can bet that someday, they'll meet up with someone who just wants to fuck with them back. 

In the mean time, you can't let those Type 4's shut you down...
or you'll never meet

the Type 1's who make you feel young and invincible...

the Type 3's who remind you there's something good
(and maybe even sane)
in you...

or the Type 2's who remind you to
pick your ass up,
pour another drink,
find a midget to laugh at!


  1. I love the Queen. Tell her to get off her throne and quit pouting. Umbrella drinks and the beach...that's the ticket. And I'm a type 6 friend. :)

  2. Can you guess what type of friend I am??

    HaHa!!! That's why we looove each other hookerface.

    I can tell you to pull the cock out of your ass, and you ask why the fuck I told Mom where the key to the gin was hidden!!!

  3. MF - If she pouts for too long I'll have to drive over and insert the alcohol IV. I hate it when she's sober.

    Type 6.... hmmm.... are you the whacko who tells us all we're crazy, loves us too much to fuck with us, but calls the white coats to put us in the padded van?

    If so, hook a girl up because an assylum sounds pretty good some days. No kids, no husband, 3 square, no bills, good drugs, and cheap entertainment!! Sounds like a vacation to me!


    CB - Yeah, I have no doubt which type you are.

    (mocking Jerry Maguire)
    Shut up. Just shut up!
    You had me at 'slutface'.

  4. Funny stuff. I guess I am a cross between a type 2 and 3. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks, will tell you at any time exactly what I think, but I never intentionally hurt anyone. (I don't screw around anymore).(well I really haven't had a chance)

  5. I want some fours,, to sic on the 3s.. I"m just sayin..