Sunday, May 2, 2010

Lock Up Your Husbands!

I'M BACK!!!!

I'm not going to bore you with a list of lame excuses about why I've been away...
That's really the only excuse I need. 
That simple statement can equally justify everything from going to church to committing mass murder. 
So don't make me bore you with the long list of "to-do's" I've had over the last several months or make me jabber on about what I wanted to accomplish...
blah blah blah.
Let's just leave it at that.

What really matters is that I have finally overcome my selfishness and decided to once again bless you with my awe-inspiring presence on a regular basis.  And for a very good reason...

I believe my vast inheritance of The Queen's valuable junk might be at stake!


I've put up with 30 years of The Queen's insane, neurotic, quad-polar, paranoia and I intend to remain the SOLE HEIR to her estate when she becomes so demented she starts hand-feeding the crocs in the moat.

That being said...
I've broke out the hair dye, polished off the tiara, and shaved my legs for this.

You, dear readers, are completely entitled to read, relish, and laugh at the ramblings of The Queen.  I will even tolerate you calling her 'Mom', 'Your Highness', and 'Skanky Old Hag'.  But if you think for one second that you're getting your hands on that beer-tab encrusted crown of hers... you better be prepared to take a maternity sobriety test!

Tonight, while The Queen and CrazyBrunette are out traipsing stumbling around in their sexy ruby slippers, I am sitting at home trying to resist the urge to slip my daughter a Valium just so I can shut Nick Jr. off.  And before either of you lip off about your 'adventurous' lives, there's one thing you should remember...

...things didn't turn out so great for the original owner of those ruby slippers.  I'd watch out for falling houses if I were you.


  1. Welcome back and you have a lot of work to do to win your spot back as the first Princess. You left me alone here in blogland while you had a real life.. how dare you..

    I love the new design..

  2. Haha! Here from The Queen's blog and I am sidelining the battle between you and CB. Love it!

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  4. FUCK the ruby slippers bitch!

    I rock this shit in 4 inch CRIMSON heels, hoe!

    Mom and I are currently roaming downtown, hiding the 80 proof between us... Strangest thing! Some guy JUST offered it to us... All I had to do was show him my tits! Hell I've done a lot more than that for a whole shit ton LESS!
    And you know what Mom says... WE NEVER TURN DOWN LIQUOR IN THIS FAMILY! So I flashed him the twins and we are stumbling our way to the next liquor store... OR guy with liquor!

    I put the Benadryl on the top shelf! Give some to my girls and tell them to shut the fuck up or your turning off Maggie and the Ferocious Beast!

    We'll be home late... No need to wait up!

    Oh... and one more thing...

    Watch out slut-

    This Crazy ass Brunette Chick has TOTALLY picked out her tiara already... and matching stilettos too.

  5. Queen -- Knew you'd like it. I'll get a button up, I just didn't have time to make one yet.

    Momma Fargo -- Did you bring the brass knuckles and razor blades I asked for?

    CB -- While you were out I slipped the kids their bedtime Mickeys. No need to rush home. Hope you don't mind the pay-per-view I ordered or the dead hooker I left in the garage. Back off my tiara or the cops might find that large stash of whacky-weed you've got hid in the basement.

  6. You know I got off that shit WAY back in the day!

    I'm strictly a CRACK-WHORE now. No more, no less. We've been through this slut!

    ANOTHER dead hooker??? Goddamnit! Mom and I are tired of burying you're ex-lovers okay?


    Hey bitch, it's not my fault you couldn't hack it as Princess and had to go back to stripping...

    MY tiara now.

  7. CB -- I can't turn you into the cops for your crack stash because I'd lose out on the freebies I jack everytime you and Mom go out and get sauced. And don't pretend like we haven't buried your fair share of hookers. I'm surprised we can even find a fresh place to dig a hole now days. As for the stripping? If you've got it, flaunt it! You weren't complaining when I was forking out the one's for last week's crack shipment.

    Queen - Are you out of depends again?

  8. At least my hookers are high class $100 hookers and not behind the trash cock suckers from the Pay by the Day Motel 6.

    Haven't Mom and I picked you up from there a few times?

    You WERE the lucky cunt that didn't get any stretch marks, and the one's do come in handy when we're trying to eliminate the hassles of paper trails...

  9. Motel 6? I don't remember any hookers, but I'm sure I met my first ex-husband there...