Monday, May 3, 2010

Are We Name Calling Already?

Crazy Brunette has been sneaking shots to The Queen again.  I have no choice but to translate her drunken slurs.

"I had sex ONCE" ---  She had sex ONCE... SOBER!
"gave birth to a BIMBO" ---  No Mom, you adopted the BIMBO.  I'm the BITCH!
"I did everything right" ---  Really? Then why wasn't I calling the milk man Daddy?
"I raised her with a strict hand" ---  Uh Oh!  Is this one of those serious moments?

After that her inebriated babbles become so ridiculous even I can't interpret them.  What I do know is that I was not the one who told the minister to "GO FUCK HIMSELF!",  I was NOT the one who passed out in the front yard next to what was previously a Thanksgiving turkey dinner, I was not the one bumming cigarettes off her daughters, AND I was NOT the one who stumbled through the door after a night of drinking in a cornfield with the cop's sons... wait!  That last one was ME!

The Queen wants you to believe that I am a BIG FAT LIAR because Crazy Brunette is brain-washing her I have way too many blackmail photos.  Fortunately for me, I have a mind like a steal trap.  I can clearly remember the one time I dared to flat out LIE to my mother.  I'm not saying there weren't a million other little fibs and skirting the subjects... but only one BOLD FACED LIE!

It occurred on the previously mentioned night of the drunken cornfield party:

I was a sweet, innocent, seventeen-year-old who always did what her parents told her to do (I can't even type that with a straight-face) 
I went to the party fully intending to stay sober <---TRUE STATEMENT. 
Why?  Because my 'escort' was scared of my mother.  However, his twin brother was not quite as smart scared.  So while the 'good son' went to town to get me a soda, the 'bad son' got me drunk on Aftershock. 
Long story short I was TRASHED... with a capital FUCK!  But I had a curfew and the 'good son' was determined for me to make it home on time.

"You can't take me home!  My Mom's going to KILL ME!"
He actually said, "If I don't take you home, she'll kill me!" 
(Hell of a friend he was!)

So yes... I'm drunk.  But you can bet I'm gonna do my damnedest to pretend I'm not.
I stumble into the front door and come face to face with an angry talking mountain that looks a lot like my Mom if I squint really hard!  Between trying to focus my eyes and trying to supress my vomit, I'm trying to think of an excuse that doesn't involve the words "I'm DRUNK!"  I came up with some story about having to stop at a water fountain to get a drink on the way home from the cornfield (I later recalled this was actually the dream I had while passed out in the car).  It is at this point the The Queen pops the question:


And a light bulb went off in my head! (though it was pretty dim and probably burnt out soon after)  The Queen knew I smoked.  She knew I'd smoked since I was 14.  Hell, I bummed cigarettes off The Queen.  Thus, I attempted to FLAT OUT LIE TO HER!

I replied with a beaming smile,



Clearly, her idea of "smoking" was WAAAAAY different than mine!

This single word.....
one alcohol-inspired LIE.....
immediately activated my mother's 
pissed off,
mad as a hornet,

Needless to say, a phone call to the boy's Mom (did I mention their Dad is the local Deputy Sheriff?) gives her the facts and lands me with the one major grounding in my life.  2 months for being an hour late (60 minutes = 60 days), 2 weeks for being drunk... oh, and an extra 2 days for lipping off.

So no...
I might bend the facts. 
I might change the subject. 
I might say something too confusing to understand.
But I never lie! 
(I leave that to the politicians and preachers!)

Dear Queen,

I realize this is the one of the few times I received a firm punishment.  But I've always thought it was very unfair.  There were certainly times I deserved to be punished (though I'm not going to elaborate because I might not have gotten CAUGHT).  However, this punishment was completely uncalled for. 

I was an hour late for curfew, but we really DID have car trouble and his mother could vouch for it.  And you always told me I could drink as long as I didn't drive.  Not only was I NOT driving, but I was also NOT in a vehicle with a drunk driver.  

I believe you owe me 2 months and 2 weeks of my life back.  Of course, to prevent an extensive investigation into my previous mischief, I'm gonna write this one off as an oversight and forgive you... because  I definitely deserved it for the other shit I did.


  1. I said don't drink.. or get in a car with someone who was drunk.. YOU MY DEAR DAUGHTER,, were clearly drunk.. you clearly got in a car with you clearly deserve the punishment of two weeks.

    Two months.. yes.. that was the rule.. if Momma worries one minute because she thinks you are dead in a road ditch.. you owe me one day of my life back.. therefore you paid for the 60 minutes your were late.. with 60 days...

    Any other comments on that subject?

  2. WRONG! You said we could drink as long as we didn't drink and drive. I can prove it. I KNEW YOU WERE LYING! Ace was dumb enough to BELIEVE you. That's the reason she let the boys pull up with alcohol and ask to drink at the house. Because you said we could drink. So what if I KNEW you were a BIG FAT LIAR!

  3. Ha! Love this banter back and forth.

  4. Dear Daughter number one..

    yes.. but I loved you most.. I was most protective of you..

    Love Mom..

    Dear Daughter number two..
    don't believe a word of it.. your sister lies.. I loved you most..

    love Mom..

    Dear latest daughter..

    please tell me you are a drunk that can't remember all this shit from the past.. if so..


    love Mom

  5. Awwww shit!

    I'm just fucking glad that she kept the spot light off me and all the boys I had shimmying up and down the drain pipe every night...

    Skank Princess Num 1- The 'bad twin' said I was MUCH better in bed...

    So am I daughter number 2 or 3? If I'm 3, who the FUCK is Slut Faced Princess Number 2????
    If I'm Number 2, then who the FUCK is Princess Skank Cunt Number 3????

    Doesn't really matter... The crown is mine...

  6. MF -- This ain't nothing. It's not a real battle until someone says, "YOU ACT JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER!"

    Queen -- I love your drunk butt too... Do I have to love the freaks you adopted?

    CB -- You knew you were safe. She was busy keeping the spotlight on the jackasses trying to harvest her 'cash crop'. As for the 'bad twin', he's not qualified to make that statement... just words of rejection. And to answer your last question... Daughter #2 married (and divorced) the 'good son'. You're something like Daughter #43... I lost track after 'Ooops' #5. I tried to tell her if she kept using the back-alley abortion clinic something bad would happen! Now we have YOU!

  7. The new shipment of depends is in. I'm good..

    and.. I believe you should open up the looney bin or the island.. I believe we have found the correct crowd to rock the place...

    hand over the keys woman!

  8. You girls just fight this one out and let me know the results.. cause..

    I'm kicking it with Dorothy, Toto's licking himself, Scarecrow's smoking grass, Tin-man's being a dick, Lion's in drag and there are little bastards everywhere.

  9. Those little prick bastards stole my mother fucking Adderral! That's why their all hyped the fuck up, jumping around and singing about lolli-pops! What the fuck?

    You know slut face, I have shit to do. I have Vodka and Xanex just calling my name around the corner and I'm wasting time listening to you talk... an this is all I hear,
    "blah, blah, blah I a dirty tramp."

    God-damnit, I gave you my good stash of crack yesterday... HOPING that would shut you up for a bit... But nooooo!

    MOM! The tin-man is trying to make me swallow!!!!

  10. did you give up on blogging already? Hootchie.. tease.....trampy tramp...

    No wonder CB and I leave your old ass home on the weekend. You just wouldn't be able to keep up with us..

  11. Jesus woman! It's been 5 days! You know damn well I spent 3 of them working to pay for CB's crack habit! I also took the OC to the park in the hopes that some stranger would pull up in a van and offer her candy. Cut me some slack! I've gotta get back into the groove of things!