Are We Name Calling Already?

Crazy Brunette has been sneaking shots to The Queen again.  I have no choice but to translate her drunken slurs.

"I had sex ONCE" ---  She had sex ONCE... SOBER!

"gave birth to a BIMBO" ---  No Mom, you adopted the BIMBO.  I'm the BITCH!

"I did everything right" ---  Really? Then why wasn't I calling the milk man Daddy?

"I raised her with a strict hand" ---  Uh Oh!  Is this one of those serious moments?

After that her inebriated babbles become so ridiculous even I can't interpret them.  What I do know is that I was not the one who told the minister to "GO FUCK HIMSELF!",  I was NOT the one who passed out in the front yard next to what was previously a Thanksgiving turkey dinner, I was not the one bumming cigarettes off her daughters, AND I was NOT the one who stumbled through the door after a night of drinking in a cornfield with the cop's sons... wait!  That last one was ME!

The Queen wants you to believe that I am a BIG FAT LIAR because Crazy Brunette is brain-washing her I have way too many blackmail photos.  Fortunately for me, I have a mind like a steal trap.  I can clearly remember the one time I dared to flat out LIE to my mother.  I'm not saying there weren't a million other little fibs and skirting the subjects... but only one BOLD FACED LIE!

It occurred on the previously mentioned night of the drunken cornfield party:

I was a sweet, innocent, seventeen-year-old who always did what her parents told her to do (I can't even type that with a straight-face) 
I went to the party fully intending to stay sober <---TRUE STATEMENT. 
Why?  Because my 'escort' was scared of my mother.  However, his twin brother was not quite as smart scared.  So while the 'good son' went to town to get me a soda, the 'bad son' got me drunk on Aftershock. 
Long story short I was TRASHED... with a capital FUCK!  But I had a curfew and the 'good son' was determined for me to make it home on time.

"You can't take me home!  My Mom's going to KILL ME!"

He actually said, "If I don't take you home, she'll kill me!" 

(Hell of a friend he was!)

So yes... I'm drunk.  But you can bet I'm gonna do my damnedest to pretend I'm not.
I stumble into the front door and come face to face with an angry talking mountain that looks a lot like my Mom if I squint really hard!  Between trying to focus my eyes and trying to supress my vomit, I'm trying to think of an excuse that doesn't involve the words "I'm DRUNK!"  I came up with some story about having to stop at a water fountain to get a drink on the way home from the cornfield (I later recalled this was actually the dream I had while passed out in the car).  It is at this point the The Queen pops the question:

YOU BEEN DRINKING OR SMOKING?

And a light bulb went off in my head! (though it was pretty dim and probably burnt out soon after)  The Queen knew I smoked.  She knew I'd smoked since I was 14.  Hell, I bummed cigarettes off The Queen.  Thus, I attempted to FLAT OUT LIE TO HER!

I replied with a beaming smile,

"SMOKING!"

...

WRONG ANSWER!!

Clearly, her idea of "smoking" was WAAAAAY different than mine!

This single word.....

one alcohol-inspired LIE.....

immediately activated my mother's 

BAT SHIT CRAZY,

hysterical,

screaming,

OMG-your-voice-is-hurting-my-EYES,

pissed off,

Holy-Hell-your-face-is-melting,

mad as a hornet,

if-I-let-you-kill-me-will-you-shut-up,

SUPER BITCH MODE!

Needless to say, a phone call to the boy's Mom (did I mention their Dad is the local Deputy Sheriff?) gives her the facts and lands me with the one major grounding in my life.  2 months for being an hour late (60 minutes = 60 days), 2 weeks for being drunk... oh, and an extra 2 days for lipping off.

So no...

I DO NOT LIE! 

I might bend the facts. 

I might change the subject. 

I might say something too confusing to understand.

But I never lie! 

(I leave that to the politicians and preachers!)

------------------------
Dear Queen,

I realize this is the one of the few times I received a firm punishment.  But I've always thought it was very unfair.  There were certainly times I deserved to be punished (though I'm not going to elaborate because I might not have gotten CAUGHT).  However, this punishment was completely uncalled for. 

I was an hour late for curfew, but we really DID have car trouble and his mother could vouch for it.  And you always told me I could drink as long as I didn't drive.  Not only was I NOT driving, but I was also NOT in a vehicle with a drunk driver.  

I believe you owe me 2 months and 2 weeks of my life back.  Of course, to prevent an extensive investigation into my previous mischief, I'm gonna write this one off as an oversight and forgive you... because  I definitely deserved it for the other shit I did.