Monday, August 16, 2010

Don't TMI Me If You're Gonna Ask For It!

Important Disclaimer:  Blogger is being a total fucktard tonight.  I had to take a short break while writing this and so I drafted it... when I came back to finish... blogger had scrambled it.  With all the chaos in the house, someone must have picked up the computer and shook it.  The answers were all messed up and on the wrong questions.  I've done my best to move things back where they belong... but there is a piece that is actually missing... which means it could be stuck at any random point in this post.  If you find it after I post this, I appologize... I'm really not THAT drunk!

One thing you should know about me is that I have absolutely no moral scruples... okay, that's not REALLY true... there are CERTAIN things I would never consider doing... but that list is short and doesn't include any of the 'normal' faux paus you'd find in the 10 commandments.

That being said... I have no problem answering questions.  I'm an open book.  I'm one of those people who just doesn't see the point in lying.  It's just a downward spiral of trying to keep all your made up stories compatible.  I just don't have the sobriety for that kind of effort!

It seems clear back in July, Amy J handed out the Naughty Nice Award with 10 questions... and I totally spaced on her (I know, I'm a rude bitch... I'd love to tell you I was too busy being ravaged by the Prince... but the truth is, I was probably just being lazy!)  So I'm gonna make it up to her right now!

1. What is the silliest prank you ever played on someone?

All time best prank ever?  A girlfriend and I tucked in the straps of our tank tops and grabbed some extra clothes before climbing into bed with each other and pulling the blankets up just far enough to cover our clothes.  When one of the guys came in, we proceeded to convince him that we were 'busy'.  When he didn't believe us, we threw the extra clothes at him and told him to get out.  And when that failed, my friend turned on the electric toothbrush she'd grabbed from the bathroom.  The look of astonishment, followed by disgust (or disappointment) was priceless.
2. If you could take a trip anywhere out of the country where would you go? Why?
#1 choice?  The Buddhist temples of Thailand.  Totally lame right?  What can I say, if I didn't have a little 'serenity' in me, I'd be a sociopath.  #2... the Taj Mahal in India.  The architecture of this building amazed me.  And #3... Italy... for the wine... DUH!!!
3. Who plays the most influential role in your life?
I could say Mom.  I mean, she raised me into this neurotic basket case... but in truth, it's my daughter.  The Queen is still my hero, but everything in my world revolves around the 3-year-old toddling terrorist that I gave birth from.  Hell, even my bowel movements are centered around my daughter's approval!  There's just no escaping her!
4. Are you okay with your significant other being friends with an ex?

It depends.  I'd be a hypocrite if I said it was a flat out 'no'.  I'm friends with a couple of exes.  Ironically, one of the people who comments on my facebook most is my first boyfriend's wife.  But PLEASE!  They're married with 6 kids and I'm thankful as hell it's her and not me!!  One of my best online friends used to be a bit more than a friend... but both of these people were more than 10 years ago and there's no risk of it interfering in my marriage.  Now if one of them was single and lived within reasonable driving distance, I would honestly cut my ties with them to prevent an "I hate you tonight because you're an asshole" circumstance... and you know exactly what I'm talking about.  No matter how long something has been dead, history together makes it easy to screw up (literally).  So as I said, it depends.  I'm pretty secure, but I wouldn't want his high school sweetie living down the street from me after a heated argument.
5. Favorite candle scent?
Clean Linen... or Rain... but only because no one makes a candle that smells like fresh cut alfalfa.
6. Next movie you're excited about seeing?
Sucker Punch
7. You must ban one word from the dictionary and all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What word do you ban?

WTFOver!?!?!  You do realize that in order to answer this question I MUST TYPE IT?!?!  Okay... this is horrible.  The word I would ban is...
RETARD  (in case you're wondering, I made the 3-year-old type it)
I H-H-H-Fucking-HATE this word.  Even in reference to an actual medical condition it is a horrible, derogatory, disgusting, offensive, and generally distasteful word.  There isn't even a word in the dictionary that adequately describes how abhorable I find this word.  I would rather you go into sordid details about how you sodomized your neighbors dog than hear this word out of your mouth!
8. Do you have any relatives in jail?
Nope... they're all out on parole.  But you never really know with the dysfunctional individuals who happen to share similar DNA with myself.
9. What crazy fads were popular when you were a teenager?
Oh this is a fucking therapists dream!  I became a teenager in 1993 which means the tight acid washed jeans and fluorescent layers were just winding to an end (but still very fresh in the photo album!)  What could possibly follow this Aquanet catastrophe?  How about oversized t-shirts with leggings, sweater dresses, and layers of slouch socks?  Follow that with the wide-leg jeans trend.  And end out my teens with bell bottoms... and Gothic (definitely impressed my 'country western' parentals!)  If you're really nice, I'll post picture of my buzz cut (SO NOT KIDDING!)!! 
10. Have you ever been mentioned in a newspaper or on TV?
I was a 4-year honor roll student with an entire albums worth of academic awards by the time I graduated high school... and in a town with population 70... that's big news.  *insert eye roll here*  Since then... I've tried hard to stay OUT of the papers.
And because you bloggies are a bunch of greedy whores who can't seem to get enough of the Quid Pro Quo... I now have to cave to Donda's request for 7 facts about me (because I don't have favorites... okay, I so do, but I'm not letting you know who they are because then they'll stop sucking up to me).

  1. I'm a total narcissist.  Seriously... I put makeup on for my own enjoyment... and then I take pictures of me.  I can't drive a car with a mirror on the visor because my face my distract me while I'm driving (okay... I can, but I do admit it distracts me sometimes.)  But in a total paradox... I'm not vain.  I go to work every day with no makeup and I never think about how I look in other people's eyes.  I just really love ME... especially when I feel pretty!
  2. I have a collection of books on witchcraft.  And for those of you who just had an incredible urge to grab your crucifix... they sit on a shelf with my bible, Book of Mormon, a book about Buddha, another written by the Dalia Llama, and a book on mythology.  Think nothing of it... I'm a theist... that's all you need to know.
  3. I'm a paper-hoarding whore!!  No shit!!  I have cell phone bills from when I was married to my ex-husband.  Hell... I still have notes I passed to my friends in high school! 
  4. I have dyed my hair almost every color.  Platinum blond, black, burgundy, blue-black... fluorescent orange (a hysterical accident after stripping out the black)... hot pink (a temp spray for the sole purpose of matching my awesome shirt!)... and iridescent green (FYI: If you cut open the glowing St. Patty's day badge you get from the bar and spread the goo in your hair... your head will glow in the dark... it will also stink like formaldehyde for 3 days despite 20 shampoos!)
  5. I have shaved my head... bald...  Actually... this is a lie!  I did not shave my head bald... I kept my bangs.  Nah!!  That's still a lie... I did not shave my head at all... I let two 40 year old men shave it with bic razors... and before you even ask... there are no fucking pictures!  I killed anyone who happened to have a camera in their hands from that moment until it grew out to my normal buzz cut length.
  6. I have been known to make my husband drive around the block just so he could get a good view of the hot chick in her daisy dukes!  And before the boys get all excited... I'm totally straight (though P.C. claims I'm a closet lesbian!)  I just have an eye for a hot chick... what can I say?  I have been known to butt my loud mouth into the middle of a heated game of billiards just to be certain the men playing didn't miss the chick dancing on the bar.
  7. This is my favorite "BLOW YOUR MIND" fact about me.  I am an ONLY child.  BUT... I have 13 siblings!!!  I'm just going to let you scratch your head on that one for a while.  Let me know when it's driven you over the edge and I'll try to draw you a schematic of it.  But I'm warning you... that's a post all it's own!
to Amy and Donda for the
heart you both!!!

And I was going to finish this up with The Naughty List to keep CB from crying like a forgotten whore... but honestly, she's just going to have to forgive me for this... because not only does The Queen read my blog... she's currently living in my house.  And I'm in no mood to listen to her bitch, complain, disapprove... or flat out PUKE because of something I revealed here!!


  1. Congrats~! You deserve them all. Love knowing more about you! Woot, woot on being super great! Or Hail, hail to the royal bitch. One of those, right?

  2. Quick think it got shaken? Are you posting from an etcha sketch?? I didn't know that is what constituted a narcissist...I think I may be one too. The only way you could be an only child with siblings is if they were all grown and gone before you were I right? :)

  3. Momma Fargo - Thank you... Woot woot, hail hail... as long as there's wine included it's all the same.

    Donda - 'etcha sketch' made me die laughing because that's pretty much what my screen looked like when I reloaded the damn thing. Glad I'm not the only one absolutely fascinated with herself. And as far as your theory on the only child... no. It's way more fucked up than that!

  4. The fuck? You know witchcraft and you didn't tell me? Goddamn it princess. My backyard could be filled with motherfucking frogs instead of dead bodies!

    @Donda, "etch-a-sketch" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  5. Dutch - Are you fucking serious? You think I sober up long enough to get the spells right? Last time I tried to turn a dead hooker into a frog, I ended up with an ex husband!! Like I want to go through that ordeal again!!

  6. OMFG! I swear we must be related somehow!
    Witchcraft books--check. Got a bunch (and a bible)

    Dyed hair every color--check.TY mom! LOL

    Hate the word Rtard (notice I didnt spell it right) because my daughter is handicapped and I hate it when the doctors call her that. yes, the fucking doctors call her that!!

    Paper hoarder--check. I have crap from high school and I graduated in early 1990s

    Scary! Thats a lot of things in common! LMAO

  7. and I swear, my hubbys ex started losing her hair from old age, not that spell I did! LMAO

  8. I do not cry like a forgotten whore... WHINE... yes. Bitch...yes.

    So what are we going to do about the Queen blindly ADOPTING people in off the streets???? The Dutchess too drunk or high for all I know to make an informed decision...

    (Bitch I totally told Mr. CB to stop and check out this chick with tits BIGGER than my head yesterday!)

  9. Tell us the story about your 13 siblings!?!?! Don't keep us skanks in suspense.

  10. Funny answers. You are an interesting person. I have many, many books on ESP, occult, and spirituality, so I am familar with witchcraft. It is tempting but not worth the karma involved. Stick to Buddhism.

  11. I only gave birth to one child,, but I'm Mother to many.. and..when she explains all this,, you are gonna be envious of how I got so many kids and kept my girlish figure.. ha ha..

  12. I just love reading your shit. I to am not one for the bullshit of lying. It waste too much enegy.

    I think the world should just get over it and accept that no one is perfect.

  13. Amy - LMAO... well, considering my family tree looks more like a hedge, you very well could be related... it wouldn't surprise me one bit!

    CB - Here's to confident women who don't want their hubs to miss out on a great tit shot!

    Daft - Keep your panties on... it's the next post.

    Mike - I don't meddle in that which I don't understand. My theological views are just a smorgusboard.

    Queen - Gotta love the 'temp' kids. All the hard work was already done for you and you just had to work the kinks out of 'em.

    SoccerMom - Amen!! Lying is just a waste of energy!