Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Genealogy and Astrophysics!!

I've spent my entire day off trying to figure out the perfect way to express my sibling-tastrophe in a way that you might understand.  As I mentioned before, I am an ONLY child... but I have 13 siblings!  Yeah, try using Adler's birth order theory to do a personality analysis on that in your college psych class!  I swear, I deserve an honorary degree in Astrophysics just for keeping it straight my whole life.

And for those of you who think you might have it figured out... you probably don't.  And even if you're close... you'll still never believe it!!  I'm not talking about The Queen got drunk and adopted random strays that brought her gin... those 'siblings' are all in addition to The Thirteen!

So back to how I'm going to explain this fucktastic mess...

I thought about writing a little rhyming ditty...

(to the theme of "Brady Bunch")

Here's a story, of a drunken Queen
Who got laid by a fucked up Mormon freak
He was the perfect picture
of dead beat Dads
Found a new wife each week!

But there's only so many words that rhyme with man whore... so I gave up on that idea!

Then I thought maybe I could just show you the parents and connect the lines where there were children.

Unfortunately, this left a lot to be desired.  It simply did not explain the connection between the parents that led these 14 children to become siblings.  It does clearly show one interesting fact though... out of 14 children, only The King's two sons and The Idiot's two children are 100% biologically related to each other (and even that could be a total load of shit for all we know.)  If this proves nothing else, it surely proves that monogamy is over-rated!!

Next, I thought I'd try to draw you a schematic of the whole thing...
Click picture to enlarge
But as you can see... it looks a lot like a space squid orgy on a pile of spaghetti!!  Scratch that idea!

Therefore, for lack of any better ideas... I'm going to do my best to give you a brief outline of this disast-O-fuck!  By brief I mean... there's no way to be brief about it... but I'll do my best!

1. Beach Bum - My oldest sister... DNA Provider had her with Wife #1 before she wised up and high tailed it to Hawaii with the kid!

2. Oblivious - My older brother... DNA Provider had him with Mistress A while he was still married to Wife #2.  Mistress A refused to ever let him have anything to do with Oblivious because she was smart he wouldn't help her.  Oblivious refuses to acknowledge his biological siblings.

3. Welfare Check - Little sister... DNA Provider and my babysitter while he was married to The Queen.  (No one is really certain how he walked away from that still able to have children!)  She has no clue about her interesting lineage.

4. Blondie - Step-sister... DNA Provider married Wife #4 when I was 7... this is #4's daughter from her first husband.

5.  Delinquent - Adopted-Half-Step-brother... DNA Provider adopted Wife #4's son from her second marriage.

6. Tramps-a-Lot - Baby sister... DNA Provider knocked up Wife #4.

7 & 8. Christmas and Easter (because that's how often I saw them) - The Queen had this dumb-ass brain fart and remarried to The Idiot.  These were his children from his first marriage.

9 & 10. Greedy and Iffy - The Queen wised up (as far as finding a decent guy) when she met The King, but his two grown sons sort of came with the package.

11. BFF - My junior year of high school, The King & Queen took my best friend in as a foster child so she could graduate in the school she'd been in since Kindergarten.  She's 2 weeks younger than me... and we drove my parents bat shit crazy!!

12.  Tragedy - In 2003 the DNA Provider decided to give marriage another shot with Wife #5.  She is the same age as Beach Bum and came with her young son.

And here's the real fucking kicker... Just so you know, #13 might be the only time I ever cussed in front of a class of high school students.  I'm not sure if I did, but I do know I stormed out of the room obviously pissed off and my co-worker followed to find out what was wrong.

13.  The Baby (I Hope) - My baby brother was born in 2005 to the DNA Provider (then 52) and Wife #5!  I was 25!!  I'm not saying it's totally appalling to wait until you're older to have children.  And with the occurrence of teen pregnancies, I can even imagine a circumstance in which a 25-year-old could end up with a sibling because one of there parents was still in their 30's.  HOW-the-fuck-EVER... My oldest biological sister was 33 when The Baby was born!!!  Let me do the math for you... she'll be 51 (I'll be 43 and Baby sis will be 35!) when The Baby graduates high school!!!  That is totally fucked up!!!  It's not the kid's fault, but it still pisses me off just to think about it.

So there you have it... the best explanation I have for how I am The Queen's ONLY biologically child and yet I have 13 siblings ranging from 5 to 45 years old!! 

Now if you'll excuse me... my brain is totally fried, I'm going to make Amy J rob The Queen's good stash for me!!


  1. Shit girl! Now I have a fucking headache! That is some confusing family roots! I am still confused and I have reread it three fucking times!!

    Let me look in my med bag and see what I have...hmmm...valium?..no...toradol/demarol?...no....AH-HA!...DIAZEPAM!! Take these and trust me, you won't be able to call me in the morning. You will still be fucked up from it! LMAO

  2. That was certainly a lot of work. DNA provider needs to be neutered before he causes more damage. How does CB fit into this picture? I thought she was your sister.

  3. honest to fucking god, I need a stiff drink after reading this post. I'm going to have to reread it a few times just to get it all straight.

  4. And I thought my family was difficult to explain with 3 marriages.

  5. Damn that is fucked up.

    You deserve something very special.

  6. Amy J - Sounds like a roofie to me :D

    Mike - Amen to neutering! As far as CB goes... CB is... well... she's the EVIL imposter who's out to steal my damn inheritance!! The maternity tests were unconclusive and I am still in deep denial on the matter!!

    Dazee - A few times? Are you kidding me? It's my life and I seriously have to get a piece of paper to write names on if someone asks about my siblings!! I just get it memorized and then DP decides to drop another offspring! When God said "Go forth and multiply" I don't think he meant DP had to do it all by himself!!

    Mami - I guarantee it just gets worse if we step out a generation to Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. But frankly, I have an unfair advantage in the scrambled genealogy department. Nothing stands a chance against a Mormon family tree!!

    SoccerMom - I have it!!

    I have an older sister who's already lived through the 'tough stuff'. And because of the time zone difference, I can call her up at 2am for words of encouragement. Even if we haven't spoke in a year, we're always sisters.

    I have a baby brother & sister who're young enough to poke fun at and live vicariously through.

    Small town America may have always frowned on a family like mine, but I had more culture in my own family tree than you could probably find in the entire state of Nebraska!

    Oh, and growing up with half a dozen Christmases had it's perks too. *wink*

  7. Bitch... You KNOW I did not comprehend a WORD of this. You need to speak SLOWLY and in much more detail...


  8. CB - 1) You'll never be sober enough to figure it out... just give up. 2) I did not leave you out... you're one of those tiny little stars in the picture that is sneaking around trying to nap MY crown!... 3) Read my comment to Mike... I never forgot you! It's denial! It's your turn to send Amy out for provisions!