Sunday, January 30, 2011

Today's Pop Quiz!

I don't have a lot of attention span here today so PAY ATTENTION... (so I don't have to).
1.  Today was brought to you by my new word...
Definition anyone?
It's clear to me those skirts are going to have to get a hell of a lot shorter if any of you intend to pass my class!
Spazercise refers to the outrageously ridiculous number of calories that you will burn during a SPAZ-ATTACK!!  (i.e. Me, flitting around like a fucking hummingbird on crack making beds and twittering away in my little brain in a complete oblivious manner until it is brought to my attention that I'm dripping sweat and probably on the verge of some unnatural heart arrhythmia that is sure to land me a staring role in an episode of House M.D.) 

Unfortunately, Spazercise is NOT an efficient exercise regimen as it is all too often followed by the 'bi' part of 'polar' where every ounce of energy says goodBYE and you drown yourself in a buckets of KFC and Baskin Robbins!  Nonetheless, Spazercise remains my key cardio workout... (basically my employer approves of this method whereas she's not too keen on the thought of me having sex on the job).

2. What does a dead hooker smell like?
Holy Shitnuggets!!
Are you fucking kidding me?
You think for one minute I'm going to trust any of you if you can't even tell the difference between the smell of the gator's rancid leftovers and the stench of a dead hooker someone forgot to cover with enough lye?

And furthermore.... Do you know how hard it is to answer this question for you without some sort of SMELL-transporting technology?  I'll do my best with this interactive lab experiment.

First, take your large Tupperware storage container and pour in the entire case of beer.  STOP DRINKING IT BITCH!! YOU NEED IT ALL IN THE TUB!!!.... no... you cannot drink it when the experiment is over either... it will smell like DEAD HOOKER!!!

Next, drop in SEX SHEETS.  You know the ones.... you fucked on them!

Now add a couple pairs of used socks, a can of tuna fish, and the leather purse.  Simmer on low until the smell permeates your nostrils and imprints on your cerebral cortex.  If you can endure this smell for 30 minutes without gagging or calling the police, you can apply as a housekeeper.

I seriously prepared myself for body parts as I opened drawers in this room.  I finally texted a co-worker and informed her I needed her help to flip the mattress because I was certain there was a dead hooker in it.  Oh well, guess the bellman can handle that mess.

3. What is the 5th inner circle of Hell?

If you answered 'Anger'... You get an "F" for CHEATING! 
If you answered 'Anger' without Google... get the fuck out of my classroom!  We will not be reading Dante's Inferno in here and if you've read it, you're smarter than me... GET THE FUCK OUT!

The real answer is 'Housekeeping'.  I came to this conclusion today.  Surprisingly, it was not because of the dead hooker smell.  It was because of a vacuum cleaner.  A vacuum cleaner that could not pick up a fragment of potato chip.  In utter disgust, I finally wrangled the cobra-like hose from it's holster to zap the resilient chip fragment.  And I'll be damned if I didn't pull the fucking carpet off the ground......... no..... it wasn't a rug.........  it was the full, wall-to-wall, carpeting......... WHAT THE FUCKOVER?  You can't nab a chip but you'll eviscerate the carpet?  You'll devour a guests cell phone charger?  You'll shred the fucking sheets if they look at you wrong?  And I won't even go into the tug-of-war we had with the bed skirt the other day!!  But a CHIP?  The chip is impervious?  I suddenly felt like Prometheus having my liver eaten out. (yes, we study Greek mythology... we're you fucking paying attention?  No?  You were reading Dante's Inferno!  *facepalm*)

4.  After 31 years, I finally discovered why I like men more than women.... not just for their DICKS!....  I know you're shocked!  I mean, AS FRIENDS(It's hard for you to wrap your mind around that... I know)  For the sake of understanding we'll let this category include 'friends with benefits' otherwise I'll be her all night trying to make you understand you can be around a guy without having his dick in your mouth.....

But seriously!  I figured it out!  WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO BAFFLING?!?!  It's simple.

In the face of tragedy (or the aftermath if you've been stuck on a desert island being ass raped by gorillas), a WOMAN will comfort you with her words.  She'll talk to you, tell you warm fuzzy shit, try to make you laugh, ask questions, ask if you're okay, and otherwise show real genuine concern.

Are you with me?... a light bulb just went off in your head didn't it?  Ever had a guy do that?

Nope.  Regardless of the incident, tragedy, or misfortune, a MAN will do one of 3 things
  1. Give you a hug and talk about something totally unrelated; 
  2. Give you a beer and talk about something totally unrelated;  
  3. Cop a feel and talk about something totally unrelated.
This method is highly appealing to me because
A) I dig hugs
B) I love beer
C) I love having my ass grabbed at random intervals and
D) I'm all about avoidance as a coping mechanism*. 
If we don't have to talk about the giant pink elephant that has his dick in your ear then he's probably not really there... but I have a feeling the baggie of LSD in my pocket is leaking!!  Frankly, it's his dick and your ear so I don't really have to say anything, but it IS going on YouTube!

*If you are suddenly overcome with concern that my mental stability may be challenge by my inability to properly cope with tragedy and adversity, let me reassure you that I properly balance avoidance with sarcasm, disdain, denial, repression, distraction, drugs, alcohol, and homicidal thoughts.  I'm perfectly well-rounded and well-adjusted.  If you don't believe me, ask my shrink!


Please hand in your tests, your notes, your wallets, and a few grams of coke before leaving the classroom.  See you next week!


  1. god. I was really afraid there was going to be a dead body and a full on discourse on what you did.

    I get an A on the test BTW

  2. shakes head.. hands over the dope... and walks away..

  3. No coke but I can score you some Xanax. No? How 'bout some Cherry Vodka? Anyway, this post was awesome and I will write your boss a note stating that you need a vacation or, in as your mom and say you have a serious S.T.,,..strain of chicken pox. Yes, that's it. YOU HAVE THE TWO WEEK POX!

  4. Dazee... STOP HACKING THE COMPUTERS AND CHANGING YOUR GRADES!! I know for a fact you wear underwear so there's no way you got an A.

    Queen You know you pissed your Depends and accidentally flipped the switch to the doors on Cell Block 5. I heard the sirens go off so I know at least one of those nut jobs must have cleared the wall!

    Middle Child Why in the world are you not on my payroll? You can fake my mother's drunken lying slurs and I haven't hired you yet?... Wait? Did you read Dante's Inferno? If not you're hired!

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