Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Years Resolutions

This is my official list of things I WANT to change in my life but will probably be too drunk, lazy, busy to accomplish them all in one year:
1. Exterminate the world of all peacocks!
Oh don't give me that "but they're a beautiful bird" crap!
THAT is not a 'beautiful' thing.  That is a razor clawed, evil-eyed, I will peck your brains from your nostrils MONSTER!
If you LOVE peacocks... you should watch Kung Fu Panda 2 about a million times in one week.  You will official never look at a peacock the same way again.  Evil birds.  Their evilness is topped only by one woman-hating rooster that I once met and should long since be dead now.

2.  Personally FLOG any asshole who creates something like THIS:
You see, I have a very logical AND artistic brain.  In theory, I would find this very COOL!  But contrary to modern belief, I DO NOT!  I find this very annoying!  Mind blowing actually.  And nothing irritates me more than having my brain explode all over my desk.  It's a real pain in the ass and all people who do crap like this should be tortured in my dungeons.  I think I'll force them to watch the Brady Bunch intro on repeat for hours on end!
3. Eliminate from my facebook site anyone who posts any of the following types of posts:
    • Oooh... Ahhhh... I'm in love. (twenty minutes later) OH!  He's just the greatest! (twenty minutes later) My life is complete! (twenty minutes later) MEN SUCK ASS!
    Okay, actually, I will probably only delete MOST of these people.  There are a couple who are just too damn entertaining to delete.  I save them for my antagonistic days when I know I shouldn't pick on my REAL friends!
    • FML!  I broke a nail!
    Really?  If I'd have known a broken nail was all it would take to drive you over the edge, I'd have bought you an emery board and press-on nails for Christmas!
    • Please pray for us.  Our roof is leaking!  Our car broke down!  And the dog puked on the carpet!
    I'm pretty sure God doesn't do roofs, vehicles or carpets.  Call a roofer, a mechanic, and buy a Bissel!
    • I hd a gr8 dy! HOP ur dy ws AWSUM 2!
    Do I really have to elaborate on this?  I didn't think so!
    • WARNING:  Facebook will start charging starting Feb. 2, 2045!  Repost this to be exempt!
    Ignorance is the lack of being educated.  That I can forgive.  STUPIDITY is CHOOSING not to be educated.  That is simply unacceptable!!
    • !@#$%&^%!@#%$^#%@$!%""""""""!@@#$$$#@@@!!**((($&&&@^^#%%%@^^#&$**%^^#&@**@((!**#& YOU ARE SO VERY SPECIAL ....!!!!...,,,<,,<<,,,,>....{[[[}]]]Ppp{[[P@@@55#^#&$8888&$&$6 SPARKLES AND CANDY ''''...,,,,..';l;l;'loio``````
    This does not look cute.  It doesn't make me feel special.  It doesn't make me smile.  It makes me feel as if you found it completely acceptable to PUKE all over my computer screen!  And frankly, I resent it when people PUKE on my computer screen!
    Hey gangsta!  Your SpongeBob boxers are showing!  Keep it up and I'll tell your friends where your Hello Kitty tattoo is!!
4. Create a Zombie Apocalypse Escape Plan!!
Since the Department of Homeland Security decided to move THIS to a location in Kansas that is less than 10 blocks from my place of employment, I find this to be a very necessary and practical resolution!  Apparently, the U.S. Government has never seen Resident Evil.  However, I have!  And let me tell you something!  I don't need a knight in shining armor to rescue me from dragons, witches or evil step mothers.  That shit I can handle!  But in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, I will be in my attic bawling like a 4-year-old.
5. Convince the Ogre Child that we do not have to watch the same shit over and over and over and over again until Mommy's brains explode!
I've already explained that I despise exploding brain syndrome!  However, between 5 billion episodes of Horseland, 352,000 episodes of Dora, and 3 million times of watching Gnomio and Juliet... Mommy can handle NO MORE!!  We must watch new things.  We must try new things.  Or else Mommy is going to start thinking the garden gnomes are talking, the horses are plotting against us all and all little Mexican girls run around with no parents and a pet monkey!!

So your job, dear reader, is to find me a new ADULT series to start watching on Netflix.  We have already watched every episode of Xena Warrior Princess (which she LOVED) and all the episodes of Saving Grace (She had the theme song memorized by the end!).  I tried to do "Charmed" as I used to love that show, but apparently the witches in that series chant mysterious subliminal sleeping spells which make me pass out every time I turn it on.  Help me out folks.  We have no cable (because we got sick of their fascist pricing) but we have access to Amazon Instant movies, Netflix, and a zillion 'pirating' websites.  I NEED ADULT ENTERTAINMENT!  Top of the 'World Domination To Do List' is forcing Netflix to get NCIS and House MD on instant streaming!
Hope you all have a wonderful, happy, elated, fabulous, stupendous (which I find to be a pseudo-oxymoron of a word) and here's wishing you all the love, joy, laughter, smiles, and blessings that a new year can bring you.  And in the event the new year brings you more than you think you can handle... here's hoping you have an endless supply of Xanex and Gin!

Love, Peace, Chicken Grease
The PWT!!


  1. Oh you poor dear. Dora does get tiresome.

  2. I agree...after owning and watching every Wiggle movie they had, I finally went into a Wiggle coma. I feel ya hon.

    As for ADULT shows to about Supernatural (which has sexy hunks to drool over), or True Blood? If the OC is going to watch though, don't let her watch True Blood.


  3. Amy - I love True Blood! But we canceled cable. My HBO was costing me $156 per year and I only watch 2 seasons: True Blood & Game of Thrones. I can buy them cheaper than that so huge waste of money. Our cable was costing us $50 for basic, $13 for the good channels, $13 for HBO, and $5 for an extra box. $972/year will buy a lot more entertainment than our cable ever did.

  4. The Tudors? Cute men in tights...Lots of sex...Just don't take it for fact :(....How I Met Your Mother? I think they have Seinfeld now too.

  5. Let's add swans to the externimation list. I hear they run with the same crowd.

    Happy New Year dearie.

  6. Netflix doesn't have True Blood? That's what I was going to recommend too. Happy New Year!