Saturday, December 31, 2011

I Don't Babysit Hookers!!

I didn't learn very many things from my grandfather.  Well, actually I learned a hell of a lot, but most of what I learned is a handbook of things you should NOT do.  At least not if you want to keep your family happy and in tack.  Totally besides the point.  I did learn one very valuable piece of advice!

If you never want to do something again, just make sure to screw it up really good the first time!

Tonight, I'm putting that piece of advice to good use.  You see, in their drunken stupor, The Queen and The Dutch decided I should be the designated babysitter for all of the hookers who'd had a little too much to drink.  Personally, if they can't hold their liquor, I say feed them to the crocs, but the Queen says that's bad business because the Johns like the pretty girls in their drunken stupors.  So as long as they don't puke on the good shoes, I can't feel them to the crocs.

I tried to sneak a few of the real trouble makers over next to the croc tanks in the hopes that they'd 'slip' and fall in.  But Princess Vet caught me in the act and reminded me how horribly sick the gators get after they've had 'bad sushi' and we were certain The Queen would put two and two together and take the lost gin fund out of my shoe fund.  Frankly, that is simply unacceptable.  I'm a SHOES before BOOZE sort of girl!

Anyway.  Since they took all the fun (by fun I mean blood, terror and gore) out of this babysitting gig, I've decided to bail.  Most of these dumb broads are so stupefied by the brownies they jacked from The Dutch that they aren't going to do anything but lay here and drool on each other.

Of course... someone has to be in charge.  So I left the only being who is A) SOBER B) COMPETENT C) BOSSY and D) BRIBABLE in charge:  The Ogre Child!


Yes!  She's FOUR!  But she's a Royal and she KNOWS it.  And she has no problem at all kicking those bitches where the sun don't shine.  Mommy left strict instructions to stay out of the liquor.  I told the O.C. these girls had been very naughty and they were all in time outs.  I also told her if she made sure they didn't get out of their time outs, then Gwamma would buy her a pony when we got home!!

I guarantee those bitches are staying put!

When I snuck out the back door, I could hear her telling the ladies it was story time.  I want you to notice her random love of SHOES.  Like I said, she's a ROYAL!!


  1. OMG I started to read her post first and was all.."Someone fix me a drink, I'm losing my buzz!"

  2. hahaha, I felt the same way. and was screaming to myself, omg, I'll do whatever you say. I will be a good girl. I promise.