Monday, December 19, 2011

The Trial of the Century!

I've been mulling something over in my head for the last 72 hours trying to sort out the facts from the hurt feelings and the drama from the truth in a recent Royal fiasco.

Up until yesterday, the 'facts' I had received on the matter had all been received second-hand.  I am very aware of how strong emotions can play a role in how people perceive an incident and I make a point to try very hard not to get sucked in by emotional drama.  So instead, I set out to get the facts.

It is apparent that there are some hard feelings between CB and the Dame.  While both no longer go by these names, out of respect for their professional blogs I'm going to assume everyone reading this knows who they are and I will not mention otherwise due to the uncertainty of my judgement.

Before I present you with the facts of the trial, I want to make a few points very clear:
  1. I completely support the posts, actions and reactions of the Royal family.  Each said and did what they felt was right given the information they had been provided at the time.  The Royal family may be loud, obnoxious, and even uncouth at times, but their hearts are always in the right place.  The only thing we value more than our booze is loyalty.  I will NOT condemn any of them for being loyal to the family.  I will NOT condemn any of them for stating their minds.  All charges against the Royal family have been dropped.
  2. The facts that were presented in the case are not 100% scientific.  I drank the money I had stashed to hire a specialist so due to budget cuts I had to wing it.
  3. I have excluded from evidence any 'fact' that is tangled up in hot-headed emotions.  Since this is not a democracy, I reserve the right to disregard any testimony I feel doesn't prove my point.
  4. After the facts are presented, my verdict will be FINAL.  There will be no more fighting, bickering or otherwise bitching unless there is new evidence to be presented.
And now for the trial you've all been waiting for.

The Royals vs. CB

Presiding as Judge, Jury, and potential Executioner: PWT

The charges:
Desertion of the Royal Family
High Treason against a Royal
Public Attacks Against the Royal Family
Theft of Royal Property

The facts of the case:
  1. In August 2010  CB was welcomed into the Royal family with loving arms.
  2. In November 2010 CB left the Royal family under the pretense to 'get in touch with herself'.
  3. In January 2011 CB made a comeback as The Queen of Mean, starting her own Kingdom and recruiting her own staff.
  4. In March 2011 CB started a profession site to recreate herself.
  5. That professional site happens to be in the same 'profession' as the Dame.
  6. By December 2011 CB's professional site was as prosperous as the Dame's professional site.
  7. The Dame knew about CB's professional site from day one (as is proven by a comment in the very first post dated March 25, 2011) but none of the other Royals were aware of the situation.
  8. CB and the Dame corresponded between their professional blogs over the course of the next few months. (see Exhibit A: Correspondence)
    Exhibit A: Correspondence
    The following exhibit indicates how active each party was in commenting on the other's professional blog.  This evidence has been presented to show to what extent each party was supporting the other's activity:
    • March 2011 (last 7 days) - Dame to CB 1 comment - CB to Dame 2 comments
    • April 2011 - Dame to CB 3 comments - CB to Dame 9 comments
    • May 2011 - Dame to CB 4 comments - CB to Dame 14 comments
    • June 2011 - Dame to CB 0 comments - CB to Dame 5 comments
    • July 2011 - Dame to CB 2 comments - CB to Dame 9 comments
    • August 2011 - Dame to CB 1 comment - CB to Dame 9 comments
    • September 2011 - Dame to CB 0 comments - CB to Dame 1 comment
    • October 2011 - Dame to CB 0 comments - CB to Dame 5 comments
    In total, the Dame left 11 comments for CB and CB left 54 comments for the Dame.  The Dame's last comment was dated August 16th, 2011.  CB's last comment is dated October 20th, 2011.  This evidence was provided by Google Advanced search and is not 100% definitive.  In other words, I did not go through the 687 posts individually to verify that Google was correct.  This evidence will be reexamined if it is found to be incorrect.
  9. Both CB and the Dame's profession offers many opportunities for contests and gifts.  Probability states that the more active you are in this field, the more likely you are to win and the more gifts you will receive. (see Exhibit B: Participation)
    Exhibit B: Participation
    The following exhibit indicates how active each party was in their profession over a certain time period.
    • In the 10 months prior to CB's site, the Dame had 18 documented wins and 170 documented gifts.
    • In the 10 months since CB's site, the Dame had 5 documented wins and 75 documented gifts.
    • In the 10 months since CB started her site she has had 36 documents wins and 98 documented gifts.
    Based on probability and odds of such activities, we can assume that prior to CB's site, the Dame was very active in contests and programs that offer gifts.  After CB's site, the Dame appears to have become LESS active in these activities.  We can also see that since the start of her site, CB has been very active in these programs and contests.  This information was collected through IMM posts on each website and is not 100% definitive.  In other words, I'm not stalking these ladies all over the Internet to see if they are participating in some underground operations.  Unless they've got bootlegged liquor, I don't care.
  10. The main aspect of this profession is of course, the actual 'job offers'.  The rise and decline of these offers is a clear indicator of success in this field.  (see Exhibit C: Opportunities)
    Exhibit C: Opportunities
    The following exhibit indicates the estimated profitability of each person's profession and is being presented to indicate the potential loss or gain due to recent activity:
    • In the 10 months prior to CB's site, the Dame had at least 119 offers with 27 offers being the highest in June 2010.
    • In the 10 months since CB's site, the Dame has had at least 244 offers with 38 offers being the highest in October 2011.*
    • In the 10 months since CB started her site she has had at least 74 offers with 17 offers being the highest in November 2011.
    *The IMM posts from which this data was being collected end the first week of November 2011.  Therefor this number is actually based on a little over 8 months instead of a full 10 month time frame.
    This information was collected through IMM posts on each website and is not 100% definitive. BLAH BLAH... de ja vu!
  11. Every blogger understands that the more often you post (and comment), the greater your likelihood of success.  Therefore it is relevant to know that in the 10 months prior to CB's site the Dame was posting an average of 46.2 post per month.  In the 10 months after CB's site, the Dame's posting declined to an average of 33 posts per month (a 28% decrease).  In comparison, CB's posting has been between 35 to 51 posts per month since the start of her site.
  12. CB has publicly and privately testified on her behalf and I am declining to allow this information to be admitted into evidence in regards to the charges of Desertion and High Treason.  However, I will allow her defense to be admitted as evidence in regards to the charge of Attacking the Royal Family.  (See defense)
  13. The Dame has not publicly testified on her behalf and I am declining to allow any information received second-hand to be admitted as evidence.
  14. It is a fact that I cannot have 13 facts due to the overwhelming stigma associated with the number.  I will not allow the parties involved to declare a mistrial on the grounds of superstition.
The Defense (In regards to the charge of Attacking the Royal Family):
The defendant claims that there was no attack against the Royal Family.  That any statement made to the Royal family was made with good intentions in the hopes that the Royals would cease the personal attack against herself and her professional website.

On the charge of Desertion of the Royal Family:
As I have said before, if Royals are nothing else they are loyal and had CB been upfront and honest with us about her situation and plans, I have no doubt that the Royals would have supported her and been nothing but professional in regards to her business venture.  We might be foul-mouthed and trashy on a cruise ship, but to think that we would have caused her any professional trouble had she been honest is to accuse the Royals of having no class.  I find her behavior to be dishonest, hurtful, and unreasonable.  This in turn has made myself (and others) cast doubt on her motives and words.Therefore, I, the Jury, find the defendant, CB,  GUILTY OF DESERTING THE ROYAL FAMILY!
On the charge of High Treason Against a Royal:
Evidence gathered in the course of this trial indicates that CB continued to support and converse with the Dame through her blog comments long after the Dame had stopped doing do.  Evidence also indicates that up until October 2011, there was no visible decline or damage to the Dame's professional opportunities.  The court does not deny the fact that CB is successful in her field.  However, according to the statistics I was able to gather on the pocket change I found in a throne cushion, all evidence points to the fact that the Dame still has a very prosperous website and is extremely good at what she does.  Further proof that the Dame is extremely successful in this field is the fact that while her posting and participation is assumed to have decreased in the past 10 months, her opportunities still appear to be prospering.  Based on this evidence, the court has no choice but to dismiss this charge and declare that CB is ACQUITTED OF HIGH TREASON AGAINST A ROYAL.*
*Keep in mind this is NOT a democracy, it is a dictatorship and I reserve the right to retry this charge in the event that new and solid evidence is submitted against the defendant.
On the charge of Public Attacks Against the Royal Family:
The court does not believe that the defendant was initially attacked.  The original comments posted on her professional site were polite comments: "Nice" and "You've come a long way since we knew you."  Had anyone ever found reason to track these comments back to their source they would have found a post titled "CB is a Wannabe".  Since that post in no way implimented CB's current professional site her readers would have had no reason to make any connection that might be damaging to her business.  It was not until AFTER CB decided to make her public announcement and link back to her professional site, that these posts were linked back to her business affiliates.  The court also believes that since CB started a business site using her 'iconic image' which is relatively well known among bloggers, or would be easily recognized by anyone who stumbled on a blog or award associated with her, that she was not nearly as concerned about her 'image' until the Royals found out.  Since the incident, she has shut down her blog to protect her image, but has NOT shut down other sites relating to her previous persona.  However, despite the courts feelings that CB reacted badly in this situation, I do not deny her right to speak out on her behalf.  The court believes that her defense is clouded by the strong emotions that we have all fallen victim to at some point.  While she may have over-reacted and quoted text out of context, I feel that she honestly believed she needed to defend herself against the Royal Family.  Therefore, the court finds the defendant, CB, NOT GUILTY OF PUBLIC ATTACKS AGAINST THE ROYAL FAMILY.*
*The court reserves the right to prosecute any 'private' attacks against the Royal Family should they come to light.

On the charge of Theft of Royal Property:
PWT is missing one trampish leather skirt, three pairs of expensive earrings, a diamond tiara and MY FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES!!!  Said items disappeared the night CB snuck out of the castle.  I find the bitch GUILTY OF TAKING MY SHIT!!!

For the charge of "Desertion of the Royal Family" the court demands the CB be stripped of all lands, titles, Royal holdings and exiles her from all Royal blogs.  Should she violate this exile without the expressed written permission of the blogger she will be subject to whatever punishment the blogger sees fit.  The court demands that from this point forth, she will be referred to only as "The blogger formerly known as CB".  And any Royals who choose to remain in contact with her must do so without involving other Royals.

For the charge of "Theft of Royal Property" the court demands the bitch give me back my shit (minus any skankism it might have collected amidst the 'professional' world) or else I will be forced to unleash my hoard of rabid garden gnomes upon her!!  Hell hath no fury like a rabid garden gnome trying to get it's master's stilettos back!!

  1. This verdict in no way implies that any charges or allegations against CB are untrue.  This is simply the finding of this court base on the facts it has collected.
  2. This verdict in no way implies that CB is innocent of the charges for which she has been accused.  It simply indicates the court either does not have sufficient evidence to prosecute, and that the there were a lot of strong emotions involved in the case.  Or  it could just mean it's snowing in Kansas and The Lawyer and I are ready to get the HELL out of here!!
  3. This verdict reflects the finding of PWT and the Empire I dictate.  It in no way reflects the personal opinions of any other Royal (but only because I haven't achieved world domination yet)
The Queen has asked me to make it known that while ROYALS are NOT required to "play nice with others" they ARE required to act with HONESTY, LOYALTY and RESPECT in regards to each other.  This was clearly stated in your Royal Orientation (if you were sober) and is documented under Royal Decree 7-4.G1N.  Royals are expected to rally in the defense of each other and will continue to do so whenever the need arises.  However, as a Royal, you are expected to provide the facts and accept the responsibility for your own actions as well.  Royals cannot and will not be drawn into an issue if all the facts have not been presented.  As a result, the case between The Royals and "The blogger formerly known as CB" is considered a CLOSED CASE unless any member of the Royal Family wishes to step up with solid evidence.

This verdict does not reflect my personal opinion of the situation.  It is merely a representation of the evidence I was able to collect.  I continue to stand by the Royal Family in all their actions and will fully support them in the future.  It is my personal opinion at this time that all parties involved had hurt feelings at the time of the incident and this severely impaired their perspective and judgements.  I believe that there are things that have been said that simply do not add up.  I also believe there is more to this story than I have been told.  I hope that both the Dame and CB can respect each other's professional blogs and personal lives as they have both ended their 'Royal' blogging careers.

Someone get my ass back on that cruise ship!  It's FUCKING COLD AND SNOWY HERE IN KANSAS!!!


  1. Grab your drink and head for the heliport on the roof. Chopper got clearance to land. ETA 4 minutes.. it's almost happy hour on the ship..

  2. I hear they are snorkeling today. Hurry

  3. ohmyeffinggodithinkmybrainexploded...

    That was almost as long and the fucking OJ Simpson case! Half way through all of the legal mumbo-jumbo, I had a seziure, fell to the floor and pissed my pants.

    Next time you post a dissertation with big words and an absurd amount of leaglease of your blog, PLEASE warn your Aunty Dutch.

  4. I want some rabid garden gnomes!!!
    Oh and when you find CB get me my purple flying dildo back... bitch stole that too.