Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Cerebral Auto-Correct

I am not a huge fan of auto-correct.  Much like Google translate, I find it inept.  Auto-correct on my Android causes my friends to think "I drowned a red gopher in the tomb" when in fact I'm positive "I found a dead hooker in the room!"  And don't even get me started on what it would say if I had been texting in Espanol and forgot to switch back to English.  "El fondo a feas folleto in te ruin."  (Which roughly translates to "The ugly background brochure in your mean."... keep in mind this is courtesy of Google Translate which is convinced my 'boobs' get congested when I catch a cold.)

So imagine my surprise when I suddenly discover that my own brain has adopted this annoying technology and is using it against me!!  What this means is that without even thinking about it, my brain forces my mouth to say what it thinks is the RIGHT thing to say, instead of what it would normally say. 


Friday 2:14 PM - Text recieved from teenage co-worker
"I don't have to be nice to you so I'm not gonna fake it, get over it."
My initial reaction:
"You can't know how little I care." (Thank you Monte Walsh)
However, my brain apparently auto-corrected me because the text I sent back was:
"What are you talking about?"
To which she explained what she'd heard, I explained what I said, and we sorted it out.
HOLY SHIT!  What has happened to me?  If I have to break out the lobotomists number again, we're screwed!!

I decided to ignor this example of cerebral auto-correcting under the pretense of "it's your job, you were handling things professionally, blah blah blah blah!"

Yet today was an entirely different story.  Today, my brain CENSORED me against my will!  That has to be a crime!  It's DIALECT RAPE!!  And I am greatly offended that I was denied the chance to use my snarky wit as a slap in the face to a jerk who totally deserved it!! 

Here's what happened.
I work in a department that is racially diverse  where I am the minority (thus explaining the texts in Spanish and the need to use Google Translate.)  Today was NOT a good day.  We are deep cleaning the entire building and it is long, tedious, exhausting work right before the holidays.  But it needs to be done and it's a huge help to what would otherwise be very small paychecks.  I don't mind hard work.  But when I come to work, I expect to have the things I need to do my work.  I'm not a 'stand around and milk the clock' sort of girl.  During a deep clean it is very difficult for our department to keep up with the unending demand for various supplies.  Right in the middle of impatiently waiting for the supplies I needed, both of our elevators decide to go haywire!! (They'd been fixed once already that morning).  So there I sit on the ground floor waiting for an elevator to get repaired so I can get the 100 pounds of supplies upstairs to actually accomplish something.  Sitting... sitting... waiting... when finally, the head maintenance guy says, "Sorry ladies, this is going to be a while.  I guess you'll have to take that stuff up the stairs!"

First, let me explain that this 'department head' is the type who would delegate someone else to flush his own toilet if he could get away with it.
Second, this building is pseudo-privitive.  'Up the stairs' means OUTSIDE and it's 33 degrees here in Kansas!!  Thank you, I think NOT!"

I stood up, and very simply said, "No.  I don't think that will be happening.  I'll take the stairs and keep working.  When YOU get the elevator fixed, I'll come get this stuff to finish my job."

And that's when the (insert colorful string of insulting adjectives here) IDIOT said, "Well, if you were a Philippino woman working in Saudi Arabia... you'd be done by now!"

*blink blink*

Many things popped into my brain in that split second afterwards and I couldn't help but wonder why the Philippino woman was in Saudi Arabia to start with.  But alas, I responded with, "I'm proud to announce I'm not a Philippino woman working in Saudi Arabia.  I'm a born and raised American!"

Wait for it...

wait for it...



That son-of-a-bitch said, "In other words you're SPOILED!"

*blink blink blink*

And that's when the auto-correct RAPED ME!!  I didn't even realize it.  I logically said, "Compared to some third-world country?  Yes, I'm spoiled.  But I work my ass off and I won't be ashamed of where I was born!"  And up the stairs I went.
The moment was long past when I realized what I SHOULD have said.  And I AM SO PISSED AT MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW!!  What I should have said to that (insert more colorful adjectives)  DIPSHIT who is in charge of the two hardest working Mexican men you've ever seen is, "And if you were a MEXICAN that elevator would have been fixed right the FIRST time!"

But alas, my brain has denied me that snarkism.  And I will continue to begrudge it until it makes it up to me with a moment of unadulterated SNARK directed towards some totally deserving asshole!

Have you been a victim of Cerebral Auto-Correct?  Am I the only one who has suffered from Dialect Rape?  I'm thinking I need a hotline right now.  You know... like 1-888-TEL-M-OFF!  I'm feeling very violated and vunerable.  I need a hug... better than that, I need someone to INSULT!!!


  1. I heard a report you had called the chopper late last night and returned to Kansas.. we can not afford this constant back and forth.. Get your ass back to the ship bitch.. I paid for ten days,, and you are killing me with this chopper fuel bill.. You spoiled little brat...Momma no like you wasting my money.. and if you dare come back and speak spanish to me.. I will fly over there on my broom and knock the white right off you.,,,

  2. La Queen - Eres estupido? La Dutchess es necesario mas de marihuana!! Es mucho bueno yo hablo Espanol senora! Callate y traeme una tequilla!

  3. I don't speak spanish but I think you are saying I'm stupid and the dutchess is fucked on brownies. the rest of that shit I don't care about...

  4. Pretty good Spanish decoding you've got there. Let's just say the Dutch won't be participating in any 'Royal Activities' tonight. She's half passed out licking butterscotch cookies off the porthole in her cabin. The rest said (roughly) "It's very good I speak Spanish. Now shut up and bring me a tequilla!"

  5. I hate when there is fighting between family. Play nice.

    And I also hate it when your brain doesn't tell your mouth to say the right stuff. Pisses me off.

  6. Umm....I HATE butterscotch, but love tequila!

    Un tequila dos tequila, tres tequila, piso!

    perras camisón noche (nighty night bitches)

  7. I LOVE butterscotch... light on the butter, heavy on the SCOTCH!

    Now stop showing off! You only speak 'Mexican' when I get you the good shit!!