Lay off the fiber already!!!

For those of you who don't know... aside from hooking myself out on the street corner to pay for CB's crack habit, I also have to maintain a full time job to pay the mortgage on my palace. 

For 7 years I pushed a desk in an effort to corrupt the future of this country.  Unfortunately, the politicians education is not a priority.  I didn't get cut with the budget.  I cut myself because of the budget.  After 7 years of working with the 'worst' kids (I use quotes because they were far from the worst in my opinion) if I had renewed my contract I'd have made just over 12K annual income (before taxes, insurance and required 6% retirement)  In comparison... the asshole who flips burgers at the local cholesterol factory is making minimum wage for a full 40 hour week.  He's bringing in 17K!  But I'm sure the grease-broiled slab of cow's ass you intend to inhale with the deep-fried potatoes and chocolate shake is way more important than the education of future generations.  After all, if we keep eating that shit we won't have to worry about the future because we'll drop dead at 40 with arteries so clogged even Draino can't fix them.  But that bitchfest about fucked up priorities aside...

After crunching the numbers I came to the conclusion that being a 'professional' wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  It just so happened a 'lowly' hotel housekeeping position was offered to me at the exact moment our home loan was on the line and I simply couldn't afford to say 'No,' to any job.  I figured after 7 years of putting up with teenage bullshit, I was more than qualified to clean up a hotel guest's shit!  And though it's not where I pictured myself at 30, I can't complain.  I like my coworkers.  Some days my boss can act like the fucking Mexican she is, but most days I like her.  And generally I don't have to do any more than wash a shower, make a bed, wash a shower, make a bed.

That being said, there are often times I'd like to pull the guests aside and have a real 'heart to heart' with them:

Dear Wolfman,
     I realize it is a full moon out and there are certain things you do not have control over.  However, you are only staying in my hotel for 2 nights.  Therefore, I would appreciate it if you could saw your toenails off in your own home or car rather than making me pick these nasty clippings out of the carpet because they have velcroed in too firmly for the vacuum to suction out.

Dear Poodle Lady,
    I do not even want to know how long you'd been growing that out before you decided to shave it in my tub.  Please keep in mind that while the bars are open until 2am in Aggieville, you should NEVER feed your gremlin after midnight!

Dear Party Guy,
   I commend you for being responsible enough to use a condom.  Next time could you also be responsible enough to see it finds it's way to a trashcan?

Dear FiberOne,
  You checked in on Thursday with 2 full rolls of toilet paper stocked in your bathroom.  On Friday you requested another roll.  Saturday morning you requested yet another roll.  When I cleaned your room Saturday afternoon I found 3 bath towels, 3 hand towels and 3 wash clothes covered in shit.  In addition, there was only 1 roll of toilet paper in the bathroom so I was required to add an additional roll.  Either you have a severe vitamin deficiency that is inspiring you to eat the toilet paper or you need to
LAY OFF THE FIBER ALREADY!!!