Sunday, May 9, 2010

She stole MY holiday!!

Three years ago today at 1 o'clock in the morning I was admitted to the hospital for a scheduled forcible eviction. 

I didn't know my blood pressure was on the rise.
I didn't know that a pregnant woman is NOT supposed to swell up like the Staypuff Marshmallow Man.
And frankly...
I did NOT care.

What I DID know is this:
...I had been pregnant FORevvvaah!!!
...I was still suffering from strep throat which I contracted in DECEMBER!
...I'd had a foot in my ribs and a shoulder blade on my sciatic since February!
...I was carrying an alien monster in my ribcage (no shit! we had to have an ultrasound to confirm she was head down because she was too high to REACH!)
...My doctor had resorted to prescribing SEX and we weren't even overdue yet!  Are you kidding me?  That's how I got myself into this mess! (yes, I realize that risk factor is gone now... like adding gas to a full tank... but even on a full tank, this clunker wasn't going anywhere on 4 flat tires!)

So when Doc decided to induce, I didn't question it.  I screamed, "Hell YES!"

Without hesitation we arrived at the hospital 30 minutes early (the quicker we start, the sooner it's over... right?)

We were immediately bombarded with tons of papers, wires being attached, nurses walking us through the procedures, scan my bracelet, scan my chart, scan my medicine, scan my uterus, scan Prince Charming, scan my bracelet... yep... they all match up.  But wait!  You got my middle initial wrong!  Ummm... and my birthday!  OMG!  That's not MY bracelet you dumbasses!!!!!!!  So we started out our great endeavor with the knowledge that these people had no idea who I was and their computer had screwed up.... so much for a vote of confidence!

Once the bracelet/scanner fiasco is fixed and I'm really who I am (scan bracelet, chart, meds, etc... though it just seems stupid now doesn't it?) they start to tell me about the drug they are going to give me.  PITOCIN.  So here I am with a watermelon sitting on my spinal cord as I read the pamphlet about pitocin...
  • Nausea (got it)
  • Vomiting (are you sure you haven't given me this drug already?)
  • Hypertension (isn't my blood-pressure already high?)
  • Allergic Reaction (duh!)
  • Cardiac Arrest or Stroke (meh... same as birth control pills)
  • RUPTURE of the UTERUS... (WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!  I COULD EXPLODE?!?!?!?!)... hmmmm... I'll risk it!
So yes, I signed the paper (I'd have signed away my soul to get that child out of me!) and took the drug.  I stared in amazement as my contractions climbed off the chart.  I thought to myself, "This is going to be a breeze!  That was massive and I didn't feel a thing!"  With that... I went to sleep.

The next few hours are pretty boring...
...Sleep... pelvic exam... sleep... pelvic exam... shoot evil darts at attendant for bring Prince Charming lunch and not me... steal PC's food while the nurses aren't looking... pelvic exam... pretend to ignore the uninvited mother-in-law... pelvic exam... you get the drift?

At 1 PM my doctor informs me I'm making NO PROGRESS (We're talking 0/0 after almost 12 hours of contractions) and she's going to send me home if things don't change soon.  Let the bawling, cursing, and pissed off mumbles begin.  (I swear to all that is evil and unholy about this child I'm having her today!) And just like that... my water broke!  Congratulations!  You will be giving birth to the spawn of Satan today! 

The next couple hours are pretty much a blur so I'll sum it up for you...
Wearing an oxygen mask
WHILE a blood pressure cuff cuts your arm off at the knee
PLUS puking in a trash can
WHILE having massive contractions
will result in a thumbs up when asked if you'd like drugs! 
That's right... I caved at 4 o'clock!  At that point they could have offered me a bullet and I'd have nodded in approval!

When the epidural kicked in, I came to a very quick conclusion... why would any woman ever torture herself with a natural birth?  I was in Heaven!!  If I ever find myself knocked up again, I'm demanding they start the epidural during the first trimester!

It took 3 hours to go from 0 to push (gimme a break, I'm not a Corvette!) and 40 minutes to cross the finish line!

Minutes later they handled me the most beautiful child I've ever seen in the whole world.  From day one she has been utterly spoiled, totally dramaticshort tempered, and selfish.  And if I ever had any doubts, she's even stolen MY holiday! 

So this year (since she's still too young to read a calendar) I intend to reschedule her birthday. 
I'm the MOM...
I get to do that! 
Because for 3 years she has been determined that the whole world revolves around her
And frankly... 
mine does...
just not today!

 here's to the best thing in my life,
my light,
my joy,
my whole heart!! 
Without her it wouldn't be a holiday worth celebrating! 
(but don't you dare tell her it's her birthday!)


  1. and at 4 o'clock on the dot.. grammy walked into the room ... just as they were shoving a 6 foot needle into your back.. and you screamed the most horrific scream I have ever heard.. I turned on my heels and walked out..

    I drank gin until they told me to come back and hold my grand daughter..

  2. LOL. Happy Mother's Day! I think we experienced the same type of childbirth except they were too late with the drugs...and 36 hours later without killing people...out pops the Bug.

    Loved your story!

  3. Awwwww!

    Well, with my first one... my water broke in the fucking waiting room. While I'm screaming obscenities at whoever was in a 15 foot radius and with my Mom (my easily embarrassed, extremely uppity and boring one) is BEGGING me to shut the fuck up.

    Second one they tied my ass down and cut my ass open. This is why I cannot wear a goddamn bikini.

    Happy Mother's Day Slut!

  4. Oh to hell with the scars! That's no excuse for why I have to cover your shift at the frigging strip club. Can't you get a sexy tankini or something?

    And you're the one with 2 kids to my 1 so don't be throwing out the slut bomb!!

    Happy Mother's Day to you too Hoe Bag!