Welcome to Kansas! Where'd You Park Your Car?

For those of you who don't read know... I'm a Kansas girl.
Okay, I should rephrase that because it might give people a bad impression of Kansas...

I'm actually a born and raised Nebraska girl which is the reason for many of my less endearing traits.  Because I grew up in Nebraska, I can (and will) walk into a bar wearing fishnets, thigh-high boots, mini-skirt, and backless halter top.  I will then down two double shots of tequila and kick your ass at a game of pool.  If you happen to be staring too hard at my ass, I will be more than happy to seductively dump your drink in your lap.  And should all of this make you think you ever had a chance, I'll have one of my six-foot-tall boyfriends kick your ass in the alley before he takes me home!

While I am perfectly capable of fitting in amongst the drunks and sluts that reside in Nebraska, I simply could not endure the tragic redneck lack of intelligence that existed there.  I'm a classy girl.  I don't mean Grace Kelly kinda classy, I mean Marilyn (rocks the stilettos) Monroe Classy!  I can tell you to 'go fuck yourself' in such a nice way that you won't even realize it for 2 weeks.  Unfortunately, people in Nebraska are some strange cross between Neanderthal and Puritan-Americans (drunken, trash-talking, sister-fucking, assholes who are saved every Sunday!).

I'm not totally against Nebraska (or Nebraskans).  I still have many good friends from there and a few of my relatives managed to overcome our backwoods alcoholism to become decent humans. 

Nebraska has brought us many great things:

• Kool Aid (key ingredient in drinks like Dead Puppies, Antifreeze #3, Smurf Piss, Poison Purple Death and Swamp Water).
• Arbor Day (the State Tree of Nebraska is Marijuana)
• The Reuben Sandwich, Spam, and Runza Restaurant (to satisfy your munchies!)
• 9-1-1 emergency system (to respond to all the alcohol-related accidents)
• the strobe light (fits right in with the Kool Aid and State Tree)
• Hallmark cards (when you don't have the words to say, 'Go to hell assfuck!')
• "Boys Don't Cry" and "Natural Born Killers" (homophobia and serial killers... makes us proud!)
• Malcom X (A Nebraska born African American? No surprise he became a civil rights leader!)
• L. Ron Hubbard (Can you say 'Scientology'?... Too much of that State Tree going on)
• Larry the Cable Guy (Get 'er Done!)

But a few good deeds certainly don't make up for the 'please step back 100 years' aspect of that state.

So now I'm a Kansas girl.  And very proud to say I live just far enough south of the border that I don't have to encounter those Northern wackos unless K-State is playing the Huskers.

In honor of the great state of Kansas, here are a few important things Kansas has provided:

• Dodge City - the windiest city in the U.S. (because Nebraska blows and Oklahoma sucks!)
• World's richest salt deposits (bring on the Margaritas!)
• Largest natural gas field in the U.S. (I thought I smelled something funky!)
• Clyde Tombaugh - discovered Pluto (it's still a planet in my book)
• Wyatt Earp, Wild Bill Hickock, and Bat Masterson (we don't dial 9-1-1)
• Bob Dole ("Life is very important to Americans.")
• Pizza Slut Hut
• Custer's 7th Calvary (Whoopsie!)
• The helicopter (because ejecting from a crashing plane didn't seem like a challenge)
• And when it comes to weirdos... there's The Dalton Gang and The Birdman of Alcatraz

And in case you have a sudden urge to come visit me in Kansas, there are three important things you need to know...

1) It's not a snowing unless you can't find your car!

2) It's not windy unless you can't find your car!

3) You're not drunk unless you

can't find your car!