Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Welcome to Kansas! Where'd You Park Your Car?

For those of you who don't read know... I'm a Kansas girl.
Okay, I should rephrase that because it might give people a bad impression of Kansas...

I'm actually a born and raised Nebraska girl which is the reason for many of my less endearing traits.  Because I grew up in Nebraska, I can (and will) walk into a bar wearing fishnets, thigh-high boots, mini-skirt, and backless halter top.  I will then down two double shots of tequila and kick your ass at a game of pool.  If you happen to be staring too hard at my ass, I will be more than happy to seductively dump your drink in your lap.  And should all of this make you think you ever had a chance, I'll have one of my six-foot-tall boyfriends kick your ass in the alley before he takes me home!

While I am perfectly capable of fitting in amongst the drunks and sluts that reside in Nebraska, I simply could not endure the tragic redneck lack of intelligence that existed there.  I'm a classy girl.  I don't mean Grace Kelly kinda classy, I mean Marilyn (rocks the stilettos) Monroe Classy!  I can tell you to 'go fuck yourself' in such a nice way that you won't even realize it for 2 weeks.  Unfortunately, people in Nebraska are some strange cross between Neanderthal and Puritan-Americans (drunken, trash-talking, sister-fucking, assholes who are saved every Sunday!).

I'm not totally against Nebraska (or Nebraskans).  I still have many good friends from there and a few of my relatives managed to overcome our backwoods alcoholism to become decent humans. 

Nebraska has brought us many great things:
  • Kool Aid (key ingredient in drinks like Dead Puppies, Antifreeze #3Smurf Piss, Poison Purple Death and Swamp Water).
  • Arbor Day (the State Tree of Nebraska is Marijuana)
  • The Reuben Sandwich, Spam, and Runza Restaurant (to satisfy your munchies!)
  • 9-1-1 emergency system (to respond to all the alcohol-related accidents)
  • the strobe light (fits right in with the Kool Aid and State Tree)
  • Hallmark cards (when you don't have the words to say, 'Go to hell assfuck!')
  • "Boys Don't Cry" and "Natural Born Killers" (homophobia and serial killers... makes us proud!)
  • Malcom X (A Nebraska born African American? No surprise he became a civil rights leader!)
  • L. Ron Hubbard (Can you say 'Scientology'?... Too much of that State Tree going on)
  • Larry the Cable Guy (Get 'er Done!)

But a few good deeds certainly don't make up for the 'please step back 100 years' aspect of that state.

So now I'm a Kansas girl.  And very proud to say I live just far enough south of the border that I don't have to encounter those Northern wackos unless K-State is playing the Huskers.

In honor of the great state of Kansas, here are a few important things Kansas has provided:
  • Dodge City - the windiest city in the U.S. (because Nebraska blows and Oklahoma sucks!)
  • World's richest salt deposits (bring on the Margaritas!)
  • Largest natural gas field in the U.S. (I thought I smelled something funky!)
  • Clyde Tombaugh - discovered Pluto (it's still a planet in my book)
  • Wyatt Earp, Wild Bill Hickock, and Bat Masterson (we don't dial 9-1-1)
  • Bob Dole ("Life is very important to Americans.")
  • Pizza Slut Hut
  • Custer's 7th Calvary (Whoopsie!)
  • The helicopter (because ejecting from a crashing plane didn't seem like a challenge)
  • And when it comes to weirdos... there's The Dalton Gang and The Birdman of Alcatraz

And in case you have a sudden urge to come visit me in Kansas, there are three important things you need to know...
1) It's not a snowing unless you can't find your car!

2) It's not windy unless you can't find your car!

3) You're not drunk unless you

can't find your car!


  1. I just caught up on your last few posts. You are one funny witty lady! A lot of fun to read. You did real good by getting the hell out of Neb...not that I'm sure Kan. is much better. Just kidding, I'm from upstate NY and we have a lot of sheep humping dumb fucks up there too.

  2. NASCAR got the safer barrier walls from Nebraska.. it's the most important thing U.N.L ever did.. and you didn't even mention it...

    You suck as an ex Nebraskan... stick to Kansas... and go find your damn car!

  3. Hey! You forgot Cabela's, lady! Cabela's is the best thing that Nebraska came up with. Oy.

  4. Mike - Kansas is definately a step up for me. As far as New York, L. Frank Baum was born there. Which means New York is to blame for all the Wizard of Oz jokes. Thanks for stopping by and watch out for the guy with wool in his zipper!

    Queen - psh! Kicking NASCAR was Step #3 in my Redneck Rehab program. Now please excuse me while I call my Sponsor so I don't fall off the wagon!

    Mommie Fargo - That is a swear word in my house. Cabela's is a special level of Hell. Last time I was in one, we checked some an item into the coat check. They moved it to Customer Service and wouldn't get it. I cut in front of 30 customers and when the cashier asked me to wait in line I yelled, "I'm not waiting in this line for shit he already paid for. Just give it back so we can fucking leave!" She was quick to comply.

  5. I'm new to your blog, just became a follower because I LOVE it! Your header is so funny! It's great to meet you!

  6. Crystal - Thanks. I drew it myself. Nice to meet you too.

  7. Hey bitch, Natural Born Kansans can be just as trash- OH! I mean CLASSY!

    We can rock 'fuck me heels' and mini dresses with the rest of them... SOME WAY better than others... AHEM... CB!

    We need no 6ft tall boyfriends... when we're together (killing IT I might add) that's ALL it'd take hoe.

    AND for all you non-Kansas girls... don't we are also MASTERS of faking

    1. CLASSY
    2. TRASHY
    3. STUPID
    4. GENIUS
    5. SNOBBY
    6. SLUTTY
    7. ANGELIC
    AND FUCKING ORGASMS! Although we'd prefer NOT to!

    Basically- You can't FUCK with this shit. Especially CB and PWT...

  8. CB - Damn right! Though I'm not sure how well either of us can fake 'Angelic'... I just don't see the point... nevermind... My halo can blind you if there's a cop in the area! As far as faking an orgasm... Oh honey, I do NOT think so! Unless he's handing over the keys to the Jag and a Platinum card I'm not even gonna bother! Get it RIGHT or get it OUT!!!

  9. Being a NYer I'm surrounded by stuck up type-As. I guess you deal with crazies no matter which state you're in.

  10. Pick up the zombie heads from the yard and start washing the blood stains off BEFORE you come home. Maybe then they'll be less stuck up :)

  11. Fuck it bitch...

    I'm all about the easy way out! I'm not going to fucking stand on my head and spin around. Fuck that, I'll pretend so I can go the FUCK TO BED!!!

    I leave the real orgasms to the nameless, lucky fucks we meet at the bar.

    Hey CREEPER posted an awesome little article about how to get the Hooker's Blood off the side of the car!!!!! Next time we won't have to set the goddamn thing on fire after we move the body!!!!!

  12. Did you see my 'Throw Down for the Crown' page Princess Slutty???? Go look!!!! You'll LOVE it!!!!

  13. Damn I should have kept my ass in Kansas them.....I am Kansan relocated to Nebraska. To much of the BAD family in Kansas!