Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Want me fluff your pillow?

By now you should know that when I'm not pulling in tricks, I'm cleaning hotel rooms in the red-light district.  So per Jo's request, I've decided to share with you a few ways to make your housekeeper's life easier.  And if you've ever stayed more than one night in a hotel, making a housekeeper's life easier should be a priority.  After all, you are leaving me alone with your toothbrush and a toilet bowl!

10. It takes a housekeeper approximately 1 minute to strip, fluff, remake, fluff, and neatly replace a pillow on a bed.  A room with 2 beds has a total of 8 pillows in our hotel.  A housekeeper usually cleans a dozen rooms a day.  You do the math!  If you don't sleep with 8 pillows, do me the courtesy of sitting the unused pillows aside.

9. Put your trash in the waste baskets.  This may seem like a no-brainer, but as we all know, some people lack brains.  If you are staying another night, I will NOT throw away your trash unless it is obviously trash.  I once threw away a Macy's bag sitting next to a trash can.  It looked like trash!  The next day we were digging it out of the trash because the woman's brand new shoes were in the bottom of it.

8. Yes Jo, piling up your towels does make my life easier.  You can also hang and reuse your towels (most hotels acknowledge this as eco-friendly). Not using a towel is a plus.  Not using the shower... even better!

7. Bring a sleeping bag and sleep on the floor.  Okay!  I'm kidding.  Though I certainly wouldn't object to it.  But seriously... if you have a double room and only need one bed... don't trash the other bed.  Don't eat on it. Don't put your dirty shoes on it. Don't let your dog shit on it. Don't fuck on it. 

6. Keep your shit tidy.  Again, this may seem obvious... but alas.  Let me explain.  I don't want my feet tangled in your underwear while I'm trying to make your bed.  I don't enjoy dusting around your dildo.  And if I accidentally step on your laptop because it's buried beneath two pairs of jeans and hidden by the bed skirt... don't come bitching to me.  I'm there to make a bed, not psychically detect the electronics you tossed on the floor next to the used tampons!

5. Leave Fido at home!  Okay... that's not really fair. We used to travel with our dogs, they were family, I get it.  But there are guidelines for 'travel-worthy-pets'.  They should be potty-trained (duh!) and they shouldn't bark for 8 hours straight (you aren't the only guest in this hotel!).  That being said... don't let them eat the remote, groom them before hand, keep them off the furniture (except the beds you are sleeping on), kennel them when you're out, and for the love of everything holy... do not get them wet!!!  That smell cannot be removed.  It sticks in our vacuums for months!

4. Do NOT use the glasses provided for your convenience.  This is for both our sakes.  Let me make this easy for you.  It takes about 5 minutes to take the dirty glasses to my closet, get new ones (if any are clean), get new lids, return and place them neatly on the tray.  It takes 30 seconds to wipe them out with Windex!  'Nough said?  Thought so!

3.  Check out on time.  Better yet... check out early!  I know... You have a hangover, you don't know who the hooker is laying next to you, you've lost your pants, and you have to get the phone book to figure out which city you are in.  Unfortunately I have a job to do and all I care about is getting it done and going home.  I'd rather not wait around 3 hours doing nothing because your head hurts.  You can go quietly... or I can break out the 100-year-old vacuum that sounds like a 747!  Your choice!

2. Use your Do Not Disturb sign if you're staying.  This automatically relieves me of cleaning your room that day (provided you don't take it off before I leave work).  Worried the dead hooker chopped up in the trashcan might start to smell?  Need new towels because the others are soaked in blood?  Not a problem, simply let me know.  I'll be happy to dispose of the evidence in exchange for not having to clean your room.

1. This is by far the MOST important thing... TIP!  Yes... I know.  Money is tight in this economy.  But on average, I make $1.50 to clean your room if you're staying and $3.00 if you check out.  I know you tipped that ragamuffin whore $5 for bringing you a watered down drink made with cheap liquor, so the least you can do is drop a buck to the bitch who wipes down your fucking toilet seat and picks up the towel you wiped your crotch with!!
And with that being said... here's to anyone who prefers camping over a hotel and anyone who sleeps in their car because their too broke to afford a room!!  As for the rest of you... if Santa saw your hotel rooms he'd give your presents to me!!!



  2. Thanks bunches - got some pointers here !Esp the water glasses gonna bring my own from now on lol You'd love me - if I am stay more than one day I don't want anyone in my room - not because I have anything to hide just weird that way All of our towels are thrown over the rod if we are staying more than 1 day to use later I use to strip the beds but my hsb got mad abt that lol After seeing that 20/20 report no screwing or laying around on blankets for this girl - I imagine you have see many a scene - I know working in an ER opened my eyes to odd behaviors lol

  3. I NEVER use glasses or ice buckets in hotel rooms....heard to many horror stories...
    LOL, I try to clean up as much after myself as I can and ALWAYS leave $5 per night that we stay. But thanks for the pointers...Laughed my ass off!

  4. Well... fuck me!

    I will never use a hotel glass again in my life!

    I have probably stayed in a hotel like 5 times in my life... But I never really thought about the bitch that comes in and rifles through my shit!!!!

    Which is fucking retarded bc I worked at Sonic for YEARS... I should do a post about people bitching about their food!!! Stealing your idea hookerface!

  5. This is hilarious! And wow, thanks for the tips and making me more paranoid! LMFAO!

  6. Funny but real tips. My wife used to clean rooms and always straightens out before we leave. I always leave a tip unless my wife lost all of our money at the casino.

  7. As I suspected! I knew I was pissing someone off when I threw those towels on the floor just for fun! Very funny post ;)

  8. Queen - I only speak the truth

    Jo - Would definately love you as a guest. And many a story but most would make my readers gag.

    Granny - $5 a night? Please come stay at my hotel for a month... and request me as your housekeeper. I'm thrilled if there's a buck. 2 is great. 5 makes my day. And twice I've got a $20 which made me elated!!

    CB - Thought the glass thing would get to you. I DO NOT windex my glasses, I'm just saying I have seen it done and was disgusted!

    Amber - You are SO welcome. Do you need some added paranoia in the food service industry? I could help you there too if you want.

    Mike - I already like your wife. And having lost my fair share at the casino I totally understand.

    Sara - Please girl. You need a lesson in pissing people off. Do it right. Leave a used condom on the tip! Make them think about whether they want it or not.