1. I would totally FUCK someone for a large Pizza Hut Supreme pizza! Thankfully, they sell them for $10, ready in 15 minutes, so I didn't have to. But I will totally FUCK YOU UP if you think about touching MY PIZZA!I think that oughta be enough "FUCKS" to qualify me for CB's Friday Follow. And if she isn't FUCKING satisfied with it, it's no skin off my FUCKING back.
2. I told the boss I was getting FUCKING pissed at her assistant today. I did it without calling the assistant a total FUCKING bitch. Though I do believe I mentioned she's going to make me FUCKING go postal on her if she doesn't stop.
3. What the FUCK is up with the lifesaver "SAVE LIVES" flag that they fly on the dam over the lake? It's not up there every day!! It's only flying on random days. Not even just on days when the waves might FUCK you up. Not just on weekends when every FUCKING idiot is in a boat. There's no FUCKING pattern to it. It's really starting to bug me. And further more... shouldn't you be flying it at the FUCKING boat ramps instead of the spillway tubes? Because I'm really certain if a person gets sucked through the FUCKING dam, it's not going to matter if they were wearing a FUCKING jacket. Or maybe I've got this whole FUCKING thing messed up. Maybe I'm supposed to be wearing my life jacket when I drive across the dam.
4. Why the FUCK can't a woman puke without everyone thinking they're FUCKING pregnant? I had a FUCKING stomach bug on Wednesday so I had to call in sick to work (from the FUCKING parking lot I just FUCKING puked all over). Since then, at least 3 people have asked, "Are you pregnant?" I don't FUCKING know assholes! I do FUCK so it's always a possibility, but I'd really like to be the first to FUCKING know (if you don't FUCKING mind). Was that morning sickness? FUCK NO! For anyone who dares to ask, "Are you sure?" Let me clarify. 'Morning sickness' is an all day queeziness accompanied by instantaneous vomitting when someone mentions the word 'saltine'. A 'Stomach Bug' is a sick feeling accompanied by stomach cramps which can be cured by vomitting, shitting, and sleeping until it FUCKING passes.
5. How the FUCK did my dream child go from sleeping peacefully until noon to waking the FUCK up at the ass crack of FUCK ME every FUCKING morning? And while I'm at it... why the FUCK can she sleep through her father's entire shower only to wake up at the sound of me tiptoeing upstairs because I forgot a pair of socks?! I swear she is not my FUCKING kid!
HAVE A GREAT FUCKING WEEKEND!
We're having a 10th of July celebration this weekend! And in case that confuses you... every town in a 50 mile radius lit off fireworks on the 4th of July weekend. A piss-puddle town like this doesn't stand a chance of competing for attention. So we're having a craft fair, pot luck dinner, and fireworks tomorrow. While most places have already banned blowing your fingers off shooting off the 'BOOM BOOMS' we'll be shooting ours off at dusk (and if you're nice to us, we'll try to miss your roof!)
My son is the same way! Sleeps through shower, getting dressed, making his lunch...I get up out of bed and walk silently to the bathroom and he is up right away!
ReplyDeleteOH fuck.. I'm so stupid I didn't know why you asked me what time I was coming over tomorrow.. I was thinking.. well,, she's getting fucking tired of me dropping over on her day off... ha ha..
ReplyDeleteOK duh.. I'll be there ... what time does the fun begin..and do I have to bring anything?
Have a good time, try to retain all of your digits. Oh, by the way, is Pizza hut hiring delivery boys in your town? I might want to dust off my resume.
ReplyDeleteBabes - what is up with that Jedi mindtrick shit? I swear, kids totally freak me out!
ReplyDeleteQueen - Hey dumb shit! Come to my house tomorrow. We'll cook and light off fireworks. With that combination, we're bound to get the fire department called on us before the night's over.
Mike - LOL... How do you think I met my husband?
Um, I totally agree with #1. Lately my pizza of choice has been a stuffed crust with tomato, green pepper, onion, and jalapeno. I like some spicy, baby! And no one better steal my leftover pizza out of the fridge!
ReplyDeleteWTF???
ReplyDeleteWhere's my fucking invite you slutbag????
You'd better be hunting fucking mushrooms on the goddamn yellow brick road while lighting firecrackers. Auntie needs some shrooms and is not beneath kidnapping your left over pizza to get them. AND Happy 10th of July bitch.
ReplyDeleteAmber - Your pizza is safe from me. I don't do tomatoes (other than sauce) and my stomach protests the jalapenos!
ReplyDeleteCB - Invite? Are you Fucking kidding me? If I hadn't taken the day off 3 weeks ago, I'd have forgot all about it. Hop your happy ass in the CB-mobile and drive out here. It's only a couple of hours! If you don't blink and miss the town, you'll be sure to find us. We're the only big red brick house in a town of 3 city blocks :D
Dutch - PC works in college central so I'm sure I can score the shrooms if I just ask around in the right circles. It's the horse tranquilizers that are gonna be difficult. I'm not really up for screwing a YEEHAW vet tech. We'll leave that one up to CB.
ReplyDeleteHey, nice new blog over here. I'm working towards the House of Night series! ;-)
ReplyDelete