Saturday, July 3, 2010

Facebook Might Be the Death of Me

I am well aware that many of you have already discovered the horrors of facebook.

And while I have found myself sucked to the dark side of FB several times, I always manage to find my way out of there with little more than scrapes.  In the past year, I've eliminated all but a couple games that I play only when absolutely bored to pieces.

I realize that for some people, Facebook can become a horrible addiction.  Unfortunately, for me, it is the only way to keep in touch with much of my family, friends, and former students.  It is a necessary evil in my life... much like text messaging.  But I have learned to keep the mind-numbing demons at bay and actually find it harder to step away from my blog than facebook.

I'm sure you're wondering how it could possibly become the death of me, when I've managed to keep a level-headed balance between facebook and real life.  I'll tell you...

(I'm so never going to hear the end of this one... it's that good!)

I was searching for an old friend to see if she had a facebook account.  Having lost track of her over the years, I did the only logical thing and checked out the high school she graduated from.  My search result immediately revealed a name I recognized...... an old boyfriend!  (and by boyfriend, I mean some guy I kissed so he'd buy my cigarettes).

Curiosity killed the cat so I clicked his page to see if I'd made a huge mistake.  I had to know if not going to second base had cost me the title of 'Millionaire's Wife'.

Oh My Holy Fucking Burn My Eyes Out and Shoot Me In the Head!!!! 

What I witnessed was truly horrifying!

This guy makes Keith Richards look fuckable!  And I'm not even exaggerating here!  Take Keith Richards, bake him in the desert for about 20 years, add tattoos from the wrists to the ears, stick about 14 hideous piercings in him, rotten his teeth and then stand him in front of a sandblaster for a week... you might come close to the zombie hideousness that I saw!

Holy fucking shit!!

This guy is only 6 years older than me and he looks older than my Dad!  I'd say life has been unkind to him, but in truth... it looks a lot like he kicked life's ass and flipped it a bird.  I've seen better looking corpses!!

I'm pretty sure that I puked in my mouth.  I realize that all I did was kiss this guy (thank fucking god for that!).  And I realize that it was 14 years ago.  But never in my life have I had such a strong desire to brush my teeth with Borax and gargle Lysol!  Not to mention the fact that I'm certain a little Clorox in the eyes would have been less painful!

My sex drive is officially shot for the next decade or so!  CB's gonna have to find someone else to pick up the slack for The Queen's Gin fund!

So, while you are off playing Farmville, CafeWorld, and PotFarm on Facebook.  I'll be filing a lawsuit for punitive damages.  No doubt they'll take one look at that picture and settle out of court!


  1. Too funny! And too true! I stay away from the games but my wife is addicted to them. She sits all day long as if in a trance playing those stupid games. Sorry for your loss of sex drive, I'm sure CB will take up the slack.

  2. I'm counting backwards trying to figure out which one it is>>> It may be the one I slammed against the counter in the grocery store and explained exactly what was going to happen to his pecker if your father found out he was hanging with you... would I be close?

  3. Nope... it'd be the one that earned me a 90 mile ride home in a red and white pickup with a very pissed off grandfather because he caught me kissing him.

  4. You fucking slut!

    See and people wounder where I learned to slut it up???

    Damnit, no I refuse to keep the Queen in Gin all by my fucking self!

    I do have other things to do... Maybe I'll start my own business...

    'I'll dispose of the dead hooker in the Princess's garage...' FOR HIRE.

    I heart you cock sucker!

  5. OMG I'm not the only one who goes trolling Facebook for exboyfriends. In my case though my ex (who was my Mr. Big...ever watch SITC?) well, my ex was everything I remembered him to be. Is it wrong to want to leave a husband and four kids for a guy you were in love with at 16? Well, I didn't leave, but Facebook is the devil. You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but nope. Facebook still lures me in with the possibility of boyfriends from beyond! I'm sorry you "puked in your mouth" ~still laughing!!!!~

  6. Mike - The games are very addictive. When I worked a desk job, it was way too easy to get sucked into the evils of FB. I've since found a way to wean myself off, but the DT's suck!

    CB - Forget the hooker! Get rid of the guy's fucking picture!!! *sobs* I know I dated some losers, but just SHOOT ME!

    Sandra - There's a good side and a bad side to it. I have a couple of old flames on my friends list (and a wife or two). You just have to realize you didn't work out for a reason. Even if the only reason you can come up with is that you're so compatible you'd CONQUER the world if you were together.

  7. Facebook is the devil. I have like half my "friends" on hide and also like ten guys I banged. I hate FB. I wish I could bring myself to get rid of it.

    Damn you, social networking.

    PS- I wrote a post on how much Facebook sucks.