Sunday, August 22, 2010

Nails on a Chalkboard, Beauty is Pain, and I Totally Rock This Royalty Shit!

It's late and I'm tired, so you're getting the randomized list version of today's activities.

A Mission for Amy

Amy's current mission is to figure out what in the fuck woke me up at the ass crack of 8AM and inspired me to get the fuck out of bed.  Once she figures out the cause, I expect her to eliminate it... if that involves homicide, I expect her to clean up after herself!

The Royal Trio

The Royal Trio (Me, The Queen, and the OC) were out the door at 10:30 AM for a day in the village (mingling with peasants is just one of our many endearing traits... what can I say, we like to slum it up sometimes!)

The outing included stops at The House of Cash, Staples, Dollar Tree (nothing wrong with being frugal... it leaves more cash for the royal BLING!), Sears and Target (pronounced with a French accent!).

Hit the jackpot at Sears... $7.80 for jeans, $4.80 for sexy tanks, $3.60 for an awesome shirt... you get the picture... I'm a cheap bitch!

Nails on a Chalkboard

Stopped into the local Bean and Tortilla shop for a delicious dinner... except for one problem...

We had the sweetest little waif of a waitress.  Pretty face, neat clothes, wonderful hair. 

And a voice that could shatter my fine china!!  I shit you fucking not!!  Her uber-soprano-squeekdom was something that can only be described as Freddy Kruger's 'nails' across and old slate chalkboard.  Ever heard the scream of a cat being ass fucked?  Or the screech the newspaper makes as you wipe it across the Windexed pane of glass?  Now draw that out for the duration of a greeting and I dare you to try and remember what it was you wanted of the menu after that sound has assaulted your ears!!!  FUCK!!!  I didn't know my enchilada was going to come with a sonic aneurysm!  I get two sides with that?  Could one of them be a couple of Excedrin?

After learning that I can in fact hear the sound a dog whistle makes, I canceled my hearing check and headed for the hair salon.  Where we were in and out faster than a hooker giving a hummer!

We pulled into the royal gateway at 4:30 PM to be greeted by a dog that had to piss and Prince Charming that was late for work!

Beauty is Pain

I had to introduce The Queen to the wondrous beautification of home highlights!  The following phrases came out of her mouth while I was using the crochet needle to pull tiny hairs through the plastic cap.
"I think you just stabbed my brain!  My foot just went numb!"
"Damn!!!  That hair came from my fucking asshole!"

"I swear to god if you don't stop soon I'm going to throat punch you and say to hell with this!"

Yes!  That's the fucking gratitude I get for saving the cheap bitch an arm and a leg.  Do you know how much gin you can buy for the price of professional highlights?  Geeze!  You can tell it's been a while since anyone made her cinch up a corset and hit the corner!

Speaking of corset!  You remember those $4 shirts I bought at Sears?  Yeah!  Tank tops with underwires!  (aka Medieval torture devices!)  The next bitch that pisses me off is wearing one of these out for the night! 

A few things to note about these shirts...
1. If I had bought them in a size that I could comfortably squeeze into I could have never filled them out!  Who in the hell makes underwires in S, M, L?  I think not!!
2. I have discovered that it takes the effort of two grown adults to remove them.  No, I wasn't just trying to get a tit grab from the Prince.  I was fucking stuck!!  I'm talking stuck like the prisoners we've got hanging in the dungeon from handcuffs... yeah... that's exactly what I looked like you jackass!
3. If you wear these tank tops for 8 hours... you no longer feel the underwires... because your fucking tits are numb!!
(Amy's Mission #2 will be to find this designer and put his nuts in a vice grip for 8 hours!)

I Totally Rock This Royalty Shit!

And while I'm on the topic of my totally awesome shirts...

I will now show you the $3 t-shirt I found on a Sears clearance rack!!

That's right!!!  I ROCK THIS!!!

And the entire Royal family will now be trying to rob my closet.  And since Amy cannot be trusted in this matter, I am taking applications for a personal closet sentry!  You must be willing to accept the fact that if my shirt disappears (is stained, torn, or shrunk) I will have your head served on a platter to the gators.  But bonus... you get to follow my hot ass around any time I'm wearing it, just to make sure nothing threatens to damage it!

Be jealous bitches!!!

And one last note...
CB has yet to notify the rest of the family of which title she would like to be known by... so if you haven't left your input (or you've got more to say on the matter) don't forget to check out the post.  I'm getting really tired of shunning her at the parties... she's always got the good shit, it's just embarrassing!


  1. My guess at waking you up is those little child minions who think they are climbing the ladder of royalty just because they cam out of our crotches! I swear my daughter learned real quick this morning that I am not happy at 6am on a Sunday! Since I am against child cruelty, I will just tie them up with duct tape and hang them from some plant hooks on the ceiling for ya! Then if they try to get loose you can use them as a pinata! LMAO

    And you are so right! I would be snagging that top! Of course I know that is punishable by death, so I would guard your closet just so I can watch CB stomp their asses with high heels!

  2. God, I want that shirt. I could be in and out of your closet in a flash.

  3. PS: I kid, please do not send the royal family after me.

  4. Fear NOT.. the Queen is scouring the net in order to obtain 4 more of these shirts for the royal family..

  5. Well fuck. I am jealous of that shirt. I'm going shopping. Do you think they make it in a size...circus tent?

  6. Ok seriously I don't do underwires, period. so I have no worries about investing in one of those tank tops I am a step or 2 past a large. Let's just say my dogs stay caged cause when they don't someone gets hurt and it ain't me cause I am behind them lol.

  7. Okay bitch... I'll rock, paper, scissors you for it!

    and if I lose I'll drug the bitch guarding the door or blow the bastard... but I WILL get in the closet and I will steal the shirt.

    Before we decide on the name, I posted my favorite one a second ago. I think I'll put your skanktastic choices up for the CB Stalkers to have their input... Maybe they'll have some good ones!

  8. Awesome t-shirt! Signs of a great royal leader! Love the highlights. Pain is beautiful. Keep Queenie in line.

  9. Well it sounds like a day where fun was had by all. Why are you bitching about numb boobs? The tanks only cost 4.80 win!