Sucking Up the Amish Skinheads

s a hotel housekeeper, I'm willing to put up with a LOT of messy shit.  At least once a week a guest tells me, "You could just put some towels in our room.  It's a disaster and we don't expect you to clean it."  That my dears is a wonderful thing to say to your housekeeper... and when I go in the room I usually gasp in shock!  THIS ROOM IS CLEANER THAN MY HOUSE (and you people have 6 adults crammed in here!)

So after dropping some towels (and tiding up there beds because it's so nice to come back to the beds being made) I leave the room a disgruntled mess mumbling about how I need to go home and fold my dirty laundry into neat piles like theirs!  *sigh*

That being said... as a housekeeper I have done the following...

• Scrubbed the strangest poop patterns off of toilets (Our hotel now offers free Rorschach Inkblot Personality Tests with every room!)
• Wiped puke off the bottom of a toilet (That bitch would have amazed NASA with her ability to defy gravity!)
• Pulled rice out of television speakers (C'mon, the cable selection is not THAT bad!)
• Thrown away poopy sheets (It's because I forgot to leave a mint on your pillow isn't it?)
• Cleaned up after the pack of religious hyenas (Let's just say, I've heard of women 'syncing up' but this was RIDICULOUS!)

However... I have about reached my breaking point this week.

I do NOT know what is going on in this town... generally I chalk this kind of mess up to the annual "Beaver Shaving Convention".  However, our female occupancy is relatively low right now... and in truth... there hasn't been a beaver with that much fur since 1988!  So I've had to come up with a new explanation for this sudden increase in follicle distribution.

My only explanation...

The KKK are now recruiting the Amish!

I'm serious!  This person (I use that term lightly because having only seen the remains, I might equally assume it was a Yeti) could easily have crocheted a full sized bedspread if they had thought to shave the remnants.  WHO THE HELL DOES THIS SHIT!!

I went through 5 rags just trying to wipe the hair out of the tub.  That's not counting the sheddings on the toilet, sink, counter, mirror, and tile floor!!

Listen Mr. Abominable!!  I come from a long line of Sasquatch people.  If I go two days without shaving, you could use my legs to scrape flesh from bone!  Honestly, I have let my hair grow out for a few months (I was fucking pregnant you assholes... I couldn't see my legs let alone bend over and reach the bastards!).  And you know what... when I finally shaved the three major areas, IT STILL DIDN'T COMPARE TO THIS!

I finally ended up breaking out the vacuum cleaner on this mess.  And our industrial jet-powered vacuum, coughed and sputtered at the idea of it.  I'm not sure, but there may have been a small dog hidden in there.

So if you happen to hear of any Amish families desperately searching for their misguided son... tell them he was lured by the sinful ways of the modern world, and point them in the direction of the nearest skinhead.  It's probably their son!

SHAVE YOUR SHIT AT HOME DUMBASSES!!