Sunday, August 8, 2010

Sucking Up the Amish Skinheads

s a hotel housekeeper, I'm willing to put up with a LOT of messy shit.  At least once a week a guest tells me, "You could just put some towels in our room.  It's a disaster and we don't expect you to clean it."  That my dears is a wonderful thing to say to your housekeeper... and when I go in the room I usually gasp in shock!  THIS ROOM IS CLEANER THAN MY HOUSE (and you people have 6 adults crammed in here!)

So after dropping some towels (and tiding up there beds because it's so nice to come back to the beds being made) I leave the room a disgruntled mess mumbling about how I need to go home and fold my dirty laundry into neat piles like theirs!  *sigh*

That being said... as a housekeeper I have done the following...
  • Scrubbed the strangest poop patterns off of toilets (Our hotel now offers free Rorschach Inkblot Personality Tests with every room!)
  • Wiped puke off the bottom of a toilet (That bitch would have amazed NASA with her ability to defy gravity!)
  • Pulled rice out of television speakers (C'mon, the cable selection is not THAT bad!)
  • Thrown away poopy sheets (It's because I forgot to leave a mint on your pillow isn't it?)
  • Cleaned up after the pack of religious hyenas (Let's just say, I've heard of women 'syncing up' but this was RIDICULOUS!)
However... I have about reached my breaking point this week.

I do NOT know what is going on in this town... generally I chalk this kind of mess up to the annual "Beaver Shaving Convention".  However, our female occupancy is relatively low right now... and in truth... there hasn't been a beaver with that much fur since 1988!  So I've had to come up with a new explanation for this sudden increase in follicle distribution.

My only explanation...

The KKK are now recruiting the Amish!

I'm serious!  This person (I use that term lightly because having only seen the remains, I might equally assume it was a Yeti) could easily have crocheted a full sized bedspread if they had thought to shave the remnants.  WHO THE HELL DOES THIS SHIT!!

I went through 5 rags just trying to wipe the hair out of the tub.  That's not counting the sheddings on the toilet, sink, counter, mirror, and tile floor!!

Listen Mr. Abominable!!  I come from a long line of Sasquatch people.  If I go two days without shaving, you could use my legs to scrape flesh from bone!  Honestly, I have let my hair grow out for a few months (I was fucking pregnant you assholes... I couldn't see my legs let alone bend over and reach the bastards!).  And you know what... when I finally shaved the three major areas, IT STILL DIDN'T COMPARE TO THIS!

I finally ended up breaking out the vacuum cleaner on this mess.  And our industrial jet-powered vacuum, coughed and sputtered at the idea of it.  I'm not sure, but there may have been a small dog hidden in there.

So if you happen to hear of any Amish families desperately searching for their misguided son... tell them he was lured by the sinful ways of the modern world, and point them in the direction of the nearest skinhead.  It's probably their son!



  1. OMG! I feel your pain! I use to work at a motel as a maid and it sucked! Here are just a few of my experiences:
    1. walked in on two idiots who doesn't know what a do not disturb sign looks like or how to answer go away to a knock. Needless to say I was tempted to use bleach to burn the image of two guys screwing from my eyeballs!

    2. A newlywed couple who decided ketchep and mustard would be much better to use for play than whipped cream because it was all over the sheets, walls and mirrors.

    4. A dead body. Yes I walked in after no response and there was an old man who had to be about 150 years old dead in the chair by the TV. Man that tv show must have bored him to death!

  2. Just gotta respond with an OMG!!!!!!!, to Amy J.
    And Princess,..Makes me kinda sick that we just stayed in a condo for 2 nights. eeeeuuuwwww!

  3. OMG!!! I don't know what I laughed the hardest about. Yeti! ROFL I worked at a hotel in the 90's for two days. The day I had to clean the "party room" there was effin' glitter confetti everywhere so I ended up blowing up a vacuum cleaner and the supervisor told me I was supposed to sweep it up with a broom. Bitch, you sweep it up with a broom! I quit that job. Lucky, I guess...I didn't see alot of pubage going on!

  4. I have to give you a big clapping hand for cleaning rooms. I just couldn't do it.

    And wtf, that is just wrong with all that hair.

    and Amy J. ummm, yuk. Thanks for sharing

  5. Ewww

    I'm thinking of a nice crazy story...the yeti was running away because he killed his wife and the only way for no one to recognize him was to shave off all of his hair in your hotel and not clean up!

  6. Amy - My first thought was... "I'd QUIT with just one of those events!" My second thought was... "Thank goodness you didn't walk in on the gay guy screwing the dead guy with ketchup and mustard!" Yep... I'm a sick bitch!

    middlechild - EWWWW!! I hope you didn't touch anything. Or at least cleaned it yourself before you did.

    Donda - I just learned something. I had no idea glitter would blow up a vacuum cleaner!! Devious plots are now rolling around in my brain :D

    Dazee - Thanks... and I totally agree with Amy's generous sharing... YUCK!

    BabesMami - Well Shit! Someone tell the fucker the next time he wants to kill his wife he should bring her to the hotel and kill her... then go shave somewhere else!! At least the police have to clean up the bloody crime scene!

  7. Ohhh uggg. I worked as a hotel "attendant" for a very long summer in a small summer vacation town..well the only vacation town in Wisconsin where I grew up. (Wis Dells) The stuff I had to clean. Condoms stuck to mirrors, poop, vomit...the most strange thing was when I pulled a shower curtain back to find a giant the blow up punching clowns we had as kids, in the shower covered in the remains of a bottle of lube that was all over the tub. Oh I am sorry I so do not miss those days.

  8. Oh fuck me running!

    I SHIT you not, while we were in CA at the hotel... I kept telling Mr. CB,

    "DON'T DO THAT."



    Finally he was like,
    "What the fuck is your deal bitch?"

    So I explained to the retarded fuck that the Princess was working through her probation as a chamber maid and I know a few things about what I pissed off hotel bitch will do to you!

    I swear to FUCK bitch, EVERYTIME I shaved and AFTER every single make-up transformation I wiped that bathroom cleaner than my own! JUST FOR YOU!