Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I'm From Kansas. Hell Will Be a Cakewalk!

For those of you who don't know, I was born into a theologically clusterfuck!  You think I'm kidding?
I never kid about this shit...

My paternal genetic provider was an 'old-school' Mormon.  If you don't know what I mean by that, you probably ought to brush up on my family tree.  That alone is enough to justify a permanent on-call therapist.  But I'm telling you, it gets better.
My Dad was Baptist.
My Grandfather's family is Methodist.
My Grandmother's family is Lutheran.
My Mother... well... she's The Queen.  You'll have to ask her which imaginary creature is granting her wishes this week.
Prince Charming's family is Catholic (ranging from the very liberal to the 'hard core' Hail Mary because your ass is on fire!)
And Prince Charming?
He's an atheist!

Needless to say, I've been exposed to a smorgasbord of religious beliefs and I am open to just about anyone's views of Faith.  I am a walking example of religious acceptance. 

I find all forms of theology equally fascinating.  I'll be the first to admit that I don't know the Bible cover to cover (and yet I know it better than many who claim to be 'devout').  As a matter of fact, in the grand scheme of the world's religions, I'm rather ignorant.  But when it comes to my own beliefs, I'm an expert (I wish I could say that for half the people who 'claim' a certain Faith.)

It should come as no surprise to you that I've pieced my own religion together from the few parts that seem to make sense to me.  The truth is, as much as I would love to buy into the 'magic' and 'mythology' that mystifies so many... I don't buy it. 

And so I take from each, the parts that I think are relevant to life and I move on.

My religion of choice?

My own.  I'm the one who has to sleep with my own beliefs and find a way for them to guide me through life, so it should be as unique as I am.

But if you MUST put a label on it (insert rolling of my eyes)
I'd call it Quasi-Buddhist

It's the closest thing I've found to something resembling my approach to life.  Though I am by no means an expert, or even devout.  I still do not buy into the hocus pocus and hoodoo that goes along with it.  I don't practice prayer, or even regular meditation.  I simply try to live my life in a loving and compassionate way (don't choke on your Gin there!).

With that being said, I have to tell you about this conversation I had with a co-worker today...
I was showing him a picture of one of my paintings and he said, "Is that a Buddha?" 
I said, "Yes, I'm very in to Buddha stuff." 
He replied, "How's that working for you?" 
A bit uncertain what he meant, I responded with, "Well, I haven't killed anyone yet!" 
With a slight chuckle, he said, "I mean does he come out of the painting and help you with your problems?" 
Okay, I'm not sure if this old man is mocking me, planning to convert me or just smoking too much hashish.  Either way, he's getting my sarcastic humor as a response.  With a heart-felt smile I said, "No more than Jesus jumps out of the Bible to help me with them." 
I think he was stunned.  He smiled and said he was happy with Jesus in his life.  And I informed him that I have no problem with Jesus.  From there our conversation returned to talk of old cars and plumbing problems in the hotel room.
I'm sure that many people will not find this nearly as funny as I do.  Does it help if I tell you this old man ARGUES about EVERYTHING?  I shit you not!  He once argued with me about his groceries!  When I couldn't tell him exactly how many carrots/apples/etc. were in my all natural juice, he stated that he NEVER ate food without knowing exactly what was in it.  It wasn't enough for the ingredients to be listed, he wanted to know quantities!  I finally won that battle when I asked him how many eggs were in the loaf of bread.  He's just an argumentative old man who knows better than everyone else... but he's ironically uber-nice!

So yes... I think it's funny.  Even if you don't!

I'm sort of twisted like that though.

I also find it funny that my 3-year-old can recognize a picture of Buddha...
... but wouldn't know what to say about a picture of Jesus ...
(Somebody just started praying for us)
... now don't get so worked up.  She probably wouldn't recognize a picture of Santa Clause either! ...

(that was a naughty wasn't it?)

It's really nothing personal against any religion.  I personally believe religion is a great thing that brings out wonderful things in good people.  It also brings out HORRIBLE things in bad people.  And unfortunately, it's the bad people who tend to vocalize and act on their beliefs the most.

But enough of my rambling.  All that really matters is that you believe what you believe.  No matter what you're faith is, you must live with it.  It should bring your solace and comfort and above all happiness.  Just know what you're believing in so you can SPEAK UP when the bad people start twisting it all to hell!!


  1. It's funny you should write this post (not funny haha, funny interesting) because my views are very similar to yours. I sort of believe in a mish-mash of what appeals to me. I found it very interesting to read that you're into Buddhaism. I think that's probably the most serene of religions.
    Can't wait to see all the comments you're going to get on this post. Alot of people out there like to get their panties in a knot over all things not Jesus. I wrote a post once on the fine art of swearing, and I got more responses and anger (from all those fine Christians) than I thought possible.

  2. I agree one hundred and ninety nine percent with you.

  3. BRAVO! Well said PWT!!
    And know you loved that mental image my post gave you about your mom! LMAO

  4. Mark me down as equally dismissive of all religions. I just don't see the need to have an organization governing what should be a personal, private matter. Once you get other people and property involved, hands come out, property gets bought, buildings go up, and conflict starts with those that are not on board.

    People can't even cooperate commenting on kitten videos... I have no faith that they can cooperate on matters eternal.

    You and your God... that's all you need... if that.

    Just my .02

  5. Excellent post! (And very funny). Very few people realize that each of us is divine, and that each of us are truth. By that I mean that whatever you accept as truth is what will manifest into your life. Every religion empathises love and there is a reason for that. Believe whatever you wish, if you have love you will grow spiritually.

  6. "Somebody just started praying for us" made me laugh out loud.

    I needed that this morning ;-)