Saturday, November 13, 2010

Mother Nature Has No Manners!

That bitch just took a big white crap on my lawn!

Are you fucking kidding me?  Okay, so it's November and her bowels get all sorts of loose about now.  But I'd really appreciate it if the bitch could reduce her fiber intake to a minimum.  I'm in no mood for her chilly flatulence and icy defecation!

Top 5 reasons I hate winter:

1.  I don't wear bras!  Which means come winter I could easily break into the jewelry counter at Zales.  Not shitting you, by Thanksgiving I'll be putting a whole new meaning to "Turkey's Done!"

2.  Snow puts an end to my 'clothing optional' lifestyle.  That's right folks, my usually naked ass instantly stops shaving, grows a winter coat, and dons the flannel underwear for the entire season.  This in turn puts a damper on my fan base.

3.  Cold feet!  Cold ass!  The thermostat could be set at 90 and you're tongue would still freeze to either of these body parts.  You could chill a bottle of wine between my butt cheeks in the winter.  And since Prince Charming works nights, there is no one to share the wine or warm up my frigid butt!

4.  Heating bills.  I find it extremely fucked up that my heating bill goes through the roof at the exact time that business slows at the hotel and so many wives are cuddled up with their husbands (to keep their asses warm).

5.  Roads and college kids from Alabama.  It's bad enough I live off a five mile stretch of roller coaster hill - one of which is a suicide dropoff on a sunny day.  To make matters worse, I work in a University town.  Icy streets + Alabama rednecks who've never seen snow = a wreck on every corner.  I'm not afraid of my own driving.  I'm a skilled midwesterner who is experienced in the NASCAR tactics required to maneuver craptastic roadways.  I am, however, terrified of the other idiot behind the wheel who thinks they can drive 15 miles over the speed limit on black ice.
Tomorrow morning at work, I intend to call a staff meeting of our housekeepers.  I'm pretty certain if I offer up my next paycheck one of those No Hablo Ingles Mexicans can smuggle me across the southern border to something warm and sunny.  Of course I'll have to take some extra security with me because my co-workers from Juarez claim I would be kidnapped in Mexico.  My bodyguard is good, but I'm not sure she could handle it single handedly.  And I know the Royals!  There's no way they're giving up their hard earned booze and drugs to rescue my mouthy ass.  So I guess I'll have to beg The Green-Eyed Brat to run away with me.  If we get another winter like last year, I'd even forfeit the beer tab crown to the bitch just for the company!

In the meantime, I expect security to kidnap some NASA scientist and figure out the exact science behind global warming so I can increase my efforts to speed it up!  Until then, if you need me, I'll be outside letting my car run for no reason, randomly spraying hairspray everywhere, and I might go buy a few cows to release some methane farts. 

Desperate times call for desperate measures!!

Have a great weekend!!


  1. If your skinny white ass grows a fur coat How will I be able to convince the Gators you are not a monkey!?!

  2. Good point there Miss. C.. and.. I have no sympathy for her.. she had the option to move to Arizona.. and she was all..OH NO.. BUT THE PRINCE.. THE PRINCE..

    TO HELL WITH THE PRINCE!!! We could be warm right now!!!

  3. #2 sounds like my ex wife. Every winter she'd turn into Bush Woman, complete with racing stripes down her inner thighs.

    Which would in turn, wear out my weed whacker every spring.

  4. I'm sure that I could round of a few of my fellow Bodyguard friends to keep your ass safe.

  5. *peed*

    You all are on a roll. Funny shit.

    I fucking hate Mother Nature

  6. i hate winter too!!!

    new follower :D!

  7. dude, I am so not that kind of Mexican to forge Mexico...but then again...I am Countess Kick Ass and I do have family down there...with bodyguards...but then again they do say never trust a Mexican for a reason...

    Fuck after a vodka gimlet i can be talked into allllll kinds of things...of course no of which can be proved....

  8. Miss C - No worries. As long as it stays cold you won't find me wondering around the motes. There's not enough liquor in the palace to get me drunk enough to brave winter!

    The Queen - If you will recall, the population demographic in that specific location was also a factor. Ummm... it doesn't get any whiter (or more redneck) than us... I'd rather avoid areas which increase my likelyhood of getting stabbed to death!

    bluz - *peed* Okay, I have standards. When it starts to itch you'll know because I'll cuss all the way upstairs and turn the thermostat up 15 degrees for the next week!

    Ariana - I have faith in you, but it can never hurt to have some backup!

    Dutch - She's a bitch!

    Eschelle - Welcome aboard! Hope you don't scare easy!

    GEB - Game on... I'll talk to the bartender about hooking you up before the next snow flies! We've only got to survive a few months down there, and I'm not even sure I mind being kidnapped as long as they keep me warm!