Mother Nature Has No Manners!

That bitch just took a big white crap on my lawn!

Are you fucking kidding me?  Okay, so it's November and her bowels get all sorts of loose about now.  But I'd really appreciate it if the bitch could reduce her fiber intake to a minimum.  I'm in no mood for her chilly flatulence and icy defecation!

Top 5 reasons I hate winter:

1.  I don't wear bras!  Which means come winter I could easily break into the jewelry counter at Zales.  Not shitting you, by Thanksgiving I'll be putting a whole new meaning to "Turkey's Done!"

2.  Snow puts an end to my 'clothing optional' lifestyle.  That's right folks, my usually naked ass instantly stops shaving, grows a winter coat, and dons the flannel underwear for the entire season.  This in turn puts a damper on my fan base.

3.  Cold feet!  Cold ass!  The thermostat could be set at 90 and you're tongue would still freeze to either of these body parts.  You could chill a bottle of wine between my butt cheeks in the winter.  And since Prince Charming works nights, there is no one to share the wine or warm up my frigid butt!

4.  Heating bills.  I find it extremely fucked up that my heating bill goes through the roof at the exact time that business slows at the hotel and so many wives are cuddled up with their husbands (to keep their asses warm).

5.  Roads and college kids from Alabama.  It's bad enough I live off a five mile stretch of roller coaster hill - one of which is a suicide dropoff on a sunny day.  To make matters worse, I work in a University town.  Icy streets + Alabama rednecks who've never seen snow = a wreck on every corner.  I'm not afraid of my own driving.  I'm a skilled midwesterner who is experienced in the NASCAR tactics required to maneuver craptastic roadways.  I am, however, terrified of the other idiot behind the wheel who thinks they can drive 15 miles over the speed limit on black ice.

Tomorrow morning at work, I intend to call a staff meeting of our housekeepers.  I'm pretty certain if I offer up my next paycheck one of those No Hablo Ingles Mexicans can smuggle me across the southern border to something warm and sunny.  Of course I'll have to take some extra security with me because my co-workers from Juarez claim I would be kidnapped in Mexico.  My bodyguard is good, but I'm not sure she could handle it single handedly.  And I know the Royals!  There's no way they're giving up their hard earned booze and drugs to rescue my mouthy ass.  So I guess I'll have to beg The Green-Eyed Brat to run away with me.  If we get another winter like last year, I'd even forfeit the beer tab crown to the bitch just for the company!

In the meantime, I expect security to kidnap some NASA scientist and figure out the exact science behind global warming so I can increase my efforts to speed it up!  Until then, if you need me, I'll be outside letting my car run for no reason, randomly spraying hairspray everywhere, and I might go buy a few cows to release some methane farts. 

Desperate times call for desperate measures!!

Have a great weekend!!