Happy Birthday to ME!

In dedication of my birthday I think I'll follow suit with the rest of the group and tell you a whole bunch of useless crap about The REAL Royal Princess!!  Because you KNOW you're DYING to hear about me!

But on a side note... PC & OC threw me a miniature surprise party at a little after midnight.  I was called to the office by my daughter's voice... "MOMMY!  COME'ERE!  ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY!!" 
I paused the Wii and headed to the office.  The lights were off, the computer was off, I assumed they'd gone upstairs.  Halfway up the stairs I was informed they were in the office.  I thought to myself, "WTF are those weirdos up to?" 
Standing in the doorway, I asked why the lights were all off.  No response. 
The light switch is on the other side of the room by the dining room entrance.  I informed the silent darkness, "I am NOT coming in this dark room!  Something will probably eat me!"  Still no response. 
I slid along the wall in the darkness towards the light switch (yes, I now realize it would have been easier to just walk around to the other door... but it would have been so less dramatic!).  In the far corner of the room I can hear snickering. 
As I flip on the switch, PC and OC yell "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" 
I was then pelted with a couple of balloons and given a handmade birthday card from the two of them. 
HOW PRICELESS IS THAT?  You know your ice-cold hearts just melted!

And now... back to all the wonderful factuals you are required to memorize to assure my complete satisfaction and happiness.  Wait... that's PC... he had to memorize this shit.  You?  You just get to read it and stand back in awe that he puts up with me!!

1 - How old do you act?
Being the classy, intellectual woman that I am, I use a complex formula to determine the age that I will act on any given day.  The formula is as follows (My Actual Age - 10 years) + (Hours Worked x 2) / (The # Of People On My Shit List).  On a good day it figures out to the fun loving bar-hopping age of 21.  On a bad day, it's closer to 40-something.  And if enough people piss me off on a really bad day... I am capable of hitting the immature mark of 12... but even then, I'm one classy bitch!

2 - Why is the sky blue?
I'm sure I read in Genesis that God farts blue!

3 - Do you burp, fart, or both in front of others?
It depends on the location, event, and company.  In my house around our closest friends?  I am not ashamed to burp... though I do have enough class and manners to excuse myself.  Fogging up the place is a whole 'nother story though.  Someone could DIE if I did that!!  I reserve such torture only for the company of immediate family members!

4 - Someone's writing a book based on your life. What would the title be?
I Couldn't Make This Shit Up

5 - How many days in a row can you go without taking a dump?
Are we competing here?  I wish you would have told me, I'd have held that post-op 'plug' in a little longer.

6 - Favorite childhood cartoon?
The 80's had the BEST cartoons.  How will I ever choose?  She-Ra, Fraggle Rock, Duck Tales, Beetlejuice, Ghostbusters, Inspector Gadget, The Jetsons, Rainbow Brite, The Smurfs, AND Jem... to name a few.

7 - Have you ever caught someone in the act of masturbating?
Um... 'caught' or 'walked in on'?  Because there's a clear difference.  'Caught' is when you open the bathroom door to find your room-mate jerking off to the lingerie section of the Sear's catalogue.  You both are apt to scream in horror.  'Walked in on' is when you wake up in the middle of the night and decide you need a smoke.  As you walk through the living room you see your significant other waxing one off to the late night Cinemax flick.  You nod and mumble, "Couldn't sleep?" and he responds with, "Looks like we could both use a little Ambien."

8 - Favorite food to make/bake/cook/etc?
Spaghettironi
Macaroni + Favorite Spaghetti Sauce (Serve PC)
Add 1 can of Mixed Vegetables (Serve the OC)
Then add 1/4 pkg. Cream Cheese and 1/2 can Spinach (I will inhale the remainder of the meal before dawn)

9 - What's one redeeming quality about mushrooms?
The make the most out of a pile of shit!

10 - What's wrong with Richard Simmons?
What's wrong with Curly from the Three Stooges teaching Jazzercize lessons?  EVERYTHING!

11 - Name one celebrity who needs to come out of the closet.
Haven't they all?  I thought that was the new 'cool' thing.

12 - Name one redeeming quality about asparagus.
It's a quality phallic symbol

13 - If "We Are the Champions", what are you?
An aspiring evil dictator just waiting for her opportunity to take over the world!

14 - What's something they taught you in school that should never be taught to anyone?
Typing!  Totally a necessary skill, but I didn't actually learn anything from being taught it.  My teacher hated me because she'd catch me looking at my fingers typing away a mile a minute.  How?  Rote memory.  I'd memorize 3 or 4 lines of text and then type away like a mad woman.  She HATED me!  I was still having my speed typer of a mother type my papers my Senior year.  How do I type now?  About 75 wpm 99% accuracy without looking at the keys... but I hit 95% of the keys with my index and middle fingers.  If you made me keep all the right fingers on the right keys I'd type about 10 wpm with 40% accuracy!

15 - What's the deal with Steven Seagal anyways?
Aside from the movie Under Siege... not a damn thing.  Maybe I just liked that movie for Miss July!  Or maybe I'm just a sucker for a guy in the navy whites... mmmmmmmmmmmmm!

16 - Name two movies that should have never been made.
Only 2?  Lady in the Water & The Village both M. Night Shymalan films that utterly disgusted me in comparison to his other works.  Though they are NOT the worst films I've ever seen, they are among the most disappointing because of his previously amazing works.  The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is another disappointment by comparison.

17 - Do you enjoy to point, stare, and laugh at others?
At their stupidity, moronicness, and idiocy?  Yes.  I generally refrain from laughing at the handicap or otherwise less fortunate, but I will confess there are moments when I cannot help myself.  I simply acknowledge that I will probably burn in hell for my horrible behavior.

18 - Name one or more words that every time you hear them, make you cringe.
Snow, Nebraska, and any mention of my ex-husband.  All things are equally distasteful to me.

19 - Have you ever put anything up your ass?
I don't believe in animal cruelty.  Though I'm pretty sure the local nativity might have made the papers for the activity between Mary and a certain barnyard critter!

20 - What can you do better than most?
Depends on who you ask.  My friends would say I draw better.  My relatives will tell you I'm an expert at psychological warfare.  And PC... well, it's none of your business what PC thinks I do better than anyone else!

21 - Have you smoked pot?
Like ever?  Or just in the last 15 minutes or so?  I refuse to answer these questions without my lawyer present!

22 - Would you wrestle a member of the same sex, nude, in pudding for 10 minutes for one million dollars?
You have no idea the levels to which I would willingly stoop to get my hands on a million dollars.  And if we're talking tax free cash... I'd throw almost all moral and scruple straight out the window!

23 - Happiest moment of your life?
EVERY DAY!  I try to live that way (and sometimes fail miserably).  The OC definitely gives me plenty of reasons that each day is the happiest (which makes up for the straight-jacket she's bound to land me in by the time she's a teenager!)

24 - Name in order, the body parts of the opposite sex you notice first.
Again... I need specifics... is he naked?  Because my eyes are naturally going to check out the goods first if he has no pants on.  Not that I think it's the most appealing body part, but I'm definitely curious if we're talking about a limo or a mini coupe!  With his clothes on?  EYES, SMILE, ASS

25 - What or where's the furthest you've been away from home?
I think it's a toss up between Utah and Michigan.  I'm not pulling up the Google Maps to determine which trip was longer.  I do know the only difference between driving across the entire state of Wyoming and the entire state of Iowa is that you have to climb a mountain to get out of one, and you have to cross a river to get out of the other!

26 - Have you ever been to Africa?
Yeah, sure... I magically managed to squeeze Africa in between Utah and Michigan.  I've never even seen an ocean let alone had any urge to cross it for the sake of visiting some third-world half-starved sun-dried land of desolation!  I prefer my water served without the HIV/Malaria cocktail!

27 - Can you currently do a split?
Not without falling off my chair and doing irreparable damage to parts of my body which I deem highly valuable!

28 - What's better - a knee-jerk reaction or a polish knee slap?
What's better?  A good ol' pistol whippin!

29 - Ever given anyone a dutch oven?
I'm sure my daughter got one the other night since she insists on sleeping with the blankets over her face.

30 - What's your favorite kind of apple?
Apple Pucker (PC totally called me on this and said, "POSER!  You're only saying that to be 'cool'!")
So in truth... My homemade apple-oatmeal muffins.  One of the few things I know how to cook well.

31 - Favorite Muppet?
This is another really hard one:  The Muppets are the SHIT!!  I couldn't help but give you the YouTube links for some of my favorites.  You HAVE to check some of these out... namely the last two links and the embedded clip.

Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem (Dr. Teeth, Janice, Sgt. Floyd Pepper, Zoot, Animal)

Mahna Mahna

And some of the lesser known but totally STELLAR characters!

32 - Squash just doesn't sound very tasty. What say you?
Acorn squash with brown sugar.  NOM NOM!

33 - How many sexual partners have you had?
Enough to be experienced but not enough to be considered a slut.
Lets just say I still know each of their full names, birth dates, parents, siblings, and eye color.
You can decide whether I am selective or if I just have a damn good memory!


...TO BE CONTINUED
(bear with me or else you'll end up getting one word responses by the time I reach 50)