Thursday, January 13, 2011

Please Wear CROWN!

What happens when the Royal New Years Party gets completely out of hand and lasts a little too long?

Royals start sobering up one by one and realizing what fools they made out of themselves and run off in shame and disgust.  It's been a Royal mess for the last week trying to keep track of who is embarrassed for getting caught in a compromising position with a waiter and who caught an STD trying to find their shoes in the gator pond.  I wake up from what I thought was a hell of a great night only to find out it's been 2 weeks and I don't even know which hookers are staying in which rooms!

One of you bitches better hire a cleaning crew to tidy up this mess because if I step in a mysterious goo one more time while I'm trying to get a midnight cocktail, I just might let the gators come inside for 'snack time'.

The best I can figure, that whore CB ran off to OZ to rock out her flashy new crown (I use the term lightly).  The last party I attended in OZ got a bit out of hand and I was able to sneak a peak at the royal jewels.  Can you say tin foil and swarovski crystal?  Psh... she can act like she's the shit and all, but Oompa Loompas make much better 'free labor' than Munchkins.  We all know she's going to tear up the road and hock the gold bars for shoes anyway.  And as for that Emerald City?  Empty Heineken bottles!  Some one clearly slipped her a little too much LSD in her New Year Cocktail!

After that The Queen and The Dutch took one look at the disaster CB left behind and decided they were too old for this shit!  Whores ran off to a retirement home and left me to clean up this mess!!


I got the crown and no one had to die?
What a buzz kill...
I was kinda looking forward to death and mayhem... or maybe I've been playing too many zombie games lately.
Oh well, You all know I'm gonna ROCK THE CROWN!!

As for the kingdom?  Question #13 made it clear that I aspire to be an evil world dictator... okay, so I didn't specify the EVIL part, but is there such a thing as a 'good' dictator?

I thought about renaming myself the F├╝hrer, but I'm not really the genocide type of evil.  Can we combine Robin Hood and dictatorship?  'Cause I'm really a sweet person if you deserve for me to be sweet.  I love my Royal family to death though.

It took a lot of thought and careful calculating, but I've finally decided what kind of ruler I will be.  Basically take all the goodness and wisdom of King Solomon and the good looks of Grace Kelly and the vengeful temper of Vlad the Impaler!  That should wrap it up nicely don't you think.  With my new aspirations for WORLD DOMINATION (or at least a vast moral corruption) you can now refer to me as The Empress of Everything!!  MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The following issues must be addressed immediately:
I'm knighting my bodyguard Ariana and giving her an official title:  Sheriff of Sluttingham.  While I still expect her to oversee the protection of myself and my prized possession... she now has the power of a badge.  I expect her to totally exploit this newly received power in every way possible to benefit the realm.

If the Dame & Countess choose to stay, we are definitely going to have to come up with something spectacular to promote them both.

As for the rest of the staff members...
If you wish to stay, let me know what your plans are (Since I have 5 less mouths to drug, now would be the time to suggest a promotion!)
If you wish to leave you can turn in your keys and sexy shoes at the front gate!
If you feel you are getting too old for this shit, contact The Queen or The Dutch to see if they have any openings at the retirement home.  I promise to point and laugh at you in your rusty ol' walkers!


  1. hmmm....who should I bunk with??? LMAO
    I would have to have a rocking name!! Love ya!

  2. Oh, My, God. I love my new title. I must go now and make me a new badge. Thank you, thank you.

  3. Fuck yeah I'm staying!! Was it ever a fucking question?!?!

    I'm all about a promotion...instead of hookers we can have merry maids...wink, wink...

  4. WHORE!!!!

    I can see how you may be confused when you see REAL diamonds, emeralds and rubies... but no need to get all skanktastic on my ass!

    I will be having the yellow brick road repaved as soon as the munchkins get there happy asses out of their flowers in the morning!

    The head flying monkey will be bringing you a present from OZ soon bitch!

    Love your skanky face!

  5. And I'm glad there wasn't any madness and mayhem because that would have required us to sober up and who the fuck wants that?!?!?

  6. I LOOOOVE this layout SlutTown!