Twas the night before Christmas, the Royals were smashed
Tiaras were stolen; the cruise ship was trashed.
The stockings were stripped and hung from the lamps
And all of the hookers were acting like tramps.
The children were nestled (we hope) in their beds
For the best therapy won't get this out of their heads
The Queen had gone missing, she'd been wasted for days
And someone had raided our stash of AAs
The gators were drunk but so was The Vet
and who's banging the Captain is anyone's bet
I went on a hunt to find shoes I had lost
but instead found The Dutch in the pool with Jack Frost
The tree was adorned with panties and bras
And I swear that I saw a naked Mrs. Clause
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
Who the hell spiked my drink? Are those fucking reindeer?
Santa knows we've been naughty, he just must not care
I'm just guessing of course, from his missing underwear
The Bartender is busy, with pour after pour
But she's still finding time to act like a whore.
"Now Bourbon! now, Whiskey! now, Gin and some tonic!
Oh, Vodka! Oh, Brandy! oh Tequila! I'm SICK!
To the nearest of decks! To the edge of the rail!
If you can't hold your liquor it's a Royal FAIL!
Wasting good liquor, we just can't afford
So those with weak stomachs are tossed overboard
Up on the heli-pad, the chopper comes in
Emergency rations and a few cases of gin
Found in the cargo are gifts in a chest
More booze and more batteries for every guest!
As the night drew to a close and the ladies passed out
The evening grew silent until someone did shout
"I've found Dutchess's brownies!" Let the fighting commence.
And with mouths full of chocolate, it all made more sense!
"Tis the season of sharing!", the hookers all said,
But when Dutch sobers up, they're all gonna be dead!
The Queen made an appearance, her face all aglow
But she's just after our batteries, and this we all know
These hookers are crazy, of that there's no doubt
But I've had my fill of this tramping about
So I'm off to my cabin, please don't bother me
I have no desire to catch some STD!
I've got a bottle of Crown, a case full of Cokes
The batteries and a carton of smokes
It's been fun, it's been real, but my Holiday's spent
Don't worry 'bout me, I'm really quite content
I've made my appearance, I put on a good show
Now I'm off to get a piece of that ol' "HO! HO! HO!"
So from all of the Royals, dear reader we say
"Here's hoping you have the best holiday"
And from PWT and Jolly Saint Nick
If you aren't on this cruise, than you must be a dick!!*
*not necessarily, but you are missing one hell of a party!!
HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!