Sunday, October 31, 2010


You all probably think I've abandoned the palace.  I realize I've only been posting little tidbits each week and this week I even missed that.  I assure you that things will get back to normal some small resemblance of sanity in the near future.  Right now, my job has me working long hours and by the time I get home all I want to do is vegetate and try to keep the Ogre Child from destroying the house or my sanity before bedtime (which is about 1am if you're curious).

It's not that I couldn't drop you a little note every once in a while... it's just that... well... there is nothing exciting to even makeup.  Unless you want to hear about how dirty a guest's toilet was, or how I slammed a door in a co-workers face because he admitted to staring at my ass while I was drying a bathtub (frankly that made my day because it's nice to know your ass still looks good in an ugly pair of slacks.)

But enough of that bullshit!  Let's get down to the heart of the matter.


A witch and her black kitty!
You'll notice (if you're not blind) I changed the layout today.  I meant to do it a couple of days ago, but frankly... it's been Halloween in this house for 3 days!  I have literally had time to walk in my door, get a kid ready, throw on some makeup and a dress, and walk back out the door to Trick-or-Treat with The Queen.

So you get the 'Holiday Header' a little late, and I'll probably leave it up for a little bit just to show off my hard work (and because I just can't get enough of Halloween!)

Friday night we hit our local mall for some 'safe' trick-or-treating fun.  It's been a tradition since the OC was born.  I never really liked the walk or the fact that you don't say 'trick-or-treat'... but it safe and fun to see all the costumes.

Yesterday we headed over to The Queen's village of employment for the OC's first haunted house and a delicious dinner.

And tonight we'll be headed out with Prince Charming for some more cavity inducing entertainment!

Mommy can be a real witch sometimes!
It's all in fun (and greed) because I love Halloween!  It's my FAVORITE holiday...

However, there are a few things I hate about Halloween...
Tweemps - teenagers dressed up in slutty costumes.  For that matter... the fact that almost every female costume is designed for hookers!
The post makeup breakout.  Yes!  I'll be stuck in my teens for my entire life, and even though I use mineral makeup and meticulously remove it with care, my face hates Halloween!
The fact that despite my artistic expertise, I have never been able to carve an awesome pumpkin... so I just leave them whole on my porch to look pretty through November.
And the #1 thing I don't like about Halloween... We have been BUSY!  For the last two days I've left for work at 8 AM.  When I get home, I grab the kid and we're gone until after 8 that night.  We drug our asses in exhausted both nights.  Unfortunately, during this time, my dishwasher, broom, and trashcan have all gone on strike.  The kitchen is disgusting, the OC's toys are everywhere, and she brought to my attention yesterday that she'd used her 'baby potty' to go poopy... I have no idea how long that's been sitting there, but when she opened the lid I about barfed!  So I'm off to do some semblance of cleaning before it's time to start getting ready tonight.
And in true Halloween tradition... I'm trick-or-treating at your place!!  You are required to leave me some comment candy or risk being 'tricked' as part of my revenge plot.  And while you might be able to keep an eye on me... or think I'll be too busy to get even... I have minions with evil plots just waiting to be brought to life!!  MUAHHAHAHAHA!! 

Just to help you out, I'll give you something to talk about...
  • Best thing about Halloween
  • Worst thing about Halloween
  • Favorite costume ever
  • Best Halloween 'prank' or 'devious act'
  • Best candy
  • Worst candy

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Ever Seen a Princess Throw a Tantrum?


Yeah I've been gone AGAIN!!  Yeah, well... this time I have a great excuse!  No seriously!  My body guard had a serious mishap with a clown costume.  Don't be too hard on her, in the rush to hire my personal security, I failed to hand out the list of Princess phobias which include clowns!  So yeah... Ariana is now required to carry the contact information for my personal therapist because I am SOOOO not spending another week in a PLAIN WHITE jacket!  *gasp!*  PULEASE!  It's definately a far cry from the fashiontastic hooker red number I'm used to... and no bling?  I'd have settled for a cheap bedazzled knockoff... but no.  PLAIN WHITE!

So imagine my surprise when I finally get home, have a cocktail, have a COCKtail, and step into the blog-o-sphere to discover THIS!

Oh HELL to the FUCKING to the NO!

After I bandaged my hand and ran to the store for a new monitor, I went back...


decided I needed a few more cocktails if I was going to be dealing with this kind of shit!

I broke out the good bottle of Crown Black!

And then I stomped off to my room, slammed the door and proceded to pout!  The rest of my cocktails would just have to be delivered!

I kinda lost track of shit after that...

I'm pretty sure the little white rabbit stole my shoe and went through the door behind my dresser.
Amy's been slipping shit in my drinks again!

A little voice in the back of my head finally reminded me that the rehab center does NOT let me bring my bling so I'd better sober the fuck up soon!


Today is a new day!
it's a day without my beloved blog sister...
it's a day that makes me sad...
it's a day I wish I could undo...
but it's a new day!

I'll call the repair man to fix the hole in the wall...
I'll send Ariana to restock the liquor cabinets...
I'll get Amy to hook me up with a good stash...







I'll get sauced and polish my CROWN!!

CB - I'm gonna miss you hooker!
*double heart*

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Is it Saturday already?

After posting last week I seriously considered joining the Princess Protection Program.  It dawned on me after I published my post that I had not yet resolved my personal security concerns (Ariana didn't official start until Monday) and yet I had posted two posts with an anti-religious theme.

Was I concerned I'd lose readers?  Not really.  I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for something I'm not.  Was I worried I'd have to field a bunch of uncomfortable religious rants in the comments?  Again, not really.  I only engage in that sort of battle if there is some sort of amusement in it for me.  So what would make me so nervous I'd consider going underground?  I discovered my most popular search result is "Monkey Panties!"  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!  I don't even have words for what inspires such a search phrase.  Of course my mind is always so far in the gutter it'd take a deep sea fisherman to get it out, so you can imagine what 'type' of person I picture stumbling on my site.

Fortunately for you, when I sat down for an interview with the PPP I discovered that in exchange for my protection they would expect me to provide crucial information and private details about The Royals.  Yeah fucking right assholes!  Like I'd tell you where the bodies were hid or something!!! (not without amnesty that's for damn sure!)  I do NOT roll like that!  I may be a lot of things... but I'm no RAT!

And thankfully, Ariana accepted my security position and reported to work on Monday, thus easing some of my concerns.

So anyone who reads The Royals knows we're on a red alert rampage over the craptastical comment left on one of Momma Fargo's posts.  If you've been left out of that particular loop you're blind you can get the 4-1-1 over at The Queen's place.  She's got a link up for anyone who has something to say to the commenter "Annie".  And if you do nothing else this week... go over and show some love to Momma Fargo.  She's a great person going through a tough time and even though she's a big toughy herself... it's always nice to get a hug when the shit hits the fan.

As far as MY response to Annie?  It's not like me to sit back and quietly ignore a situation.  I'm far too opinionated for that.  However, I've read every response to date and I simply can't say it better than this:
KarmaChameleon (by Momma Fargo)
I Found Annie (by The Queen)
Somebody Will Be Shanked (by The Dutch)
Princess of CTS Has Spoken (by CB)
The Royals Have Been Called (by The Dame)
Allow Me To Psychoanalyze You (by Angel)
Don't Mess With Us (by Miss C)
for a full updated list or to link up your own response, hop on over to The Queen's place.
I simply cannot say anything that hasn't been said.  They've cussed.  They've poured out their hearts.  And they've broke out all the best PsyOps (which makes me totally jealous because that's usually my specialty).  So I'm going to express my opinion by giving you a rare glimpse of my beautiful, outspoken, obnoxious, and utterly amazing TERRORIST!

This one's for Annie! 
Jesus Loves You...
but even my 3-year-old
thinks you're a BITCH!
My sentiments exactly!


Saturday, October 2, 2010

Saturday 6

There's too much to talk about so I'm going to limit myself to 6 short (HAHA!!) rants...

1.  The New Security Team

As you know, voting took place to enlist a new security team for The Royals.  And to keep any one member from becoming attached, enamored, infatuated, or corrupted by an individual Royal... we're rotating them regularly.  I don't know about you people, but something about that shit sounds pretty fishy.  I saw The Bodyguard... okay, that's a bad example if we're talking about 'professionalism'... but hell!  She lived didn't she!?!?!  So... to protect myself from the new security team, I'm hiring my own private body guard.  Now don't get all excited, I've already got her picked out.  She caught my attention when she first showed interest in a security position and I intend to make her my prodigy.  Should she choose to accept the position, I will expect her to come up with mundane tasks for the 'security' team to perform that keeps them out of my hair (and my business).  With that being said, I would greatly appreciate it if Ariana from Taking Off The Masks would please report to work first thing Monday morning.

2. Donda

Donda (a member of the 'official' security force) reported for her first assignments this week.  She's determined to diary her memoires in the hopes of hitting it rich in the publishing industry.  I put her to work making some crafty shit because I didn't want her sniffing out my stash.  For more on that, you'll have to check out her Peon Diaries.  I tried to get her drunk enough she'd forget everything she saw, but I only managed to get myself 10 sheets to the wind.  I think she bugged my toilet while I was passed out!
Peon Diaries

3.  Amy

I thought I was the crafty one, but Amy and Sir definitely showed me up when it came to making gifts for The Royals.  You HAVE to check out the new 'toys' we got.  (CAUTION:  Not for the prude of heart... but then again, neither is this blog).
The Dutch's new bicycle.
The Queen's new bath toys.
My new crown.
CB's new shoes.
And that my dear readers is why we let Amy keep Sir around for no charge.
Speaking of which... it's Sir's birthday, so jump on over and wish him a happy one (if you can pry him off Amy for two seconds!)

4.  A Little Q&A

The Queen came up with a new Royal Project where the Royals will answer all those questions that are brewing in the back of your head.  It's real simple.  You simply email your question to and it will be posted directly (and anonymously) to THIS BLOG.  Then, the Royals or their staff members will answer your questions in the comment section.  Keep in mind that each and every Royal believes they are the true heir to the beer tab crown so there's no guarantee that our stories will match.  No doubt each member will have their own embellishments to add on certain topics.  No doubt there will be entertainment to be had by all.

5. Banned Books Week

I love books.  I seldom have the time to sit down and immerse myself in a good book.  But I still love them.  It should also come as no surprise to you that I am against censorship.  I'm all for monitoring 'age appropriate' material.  But when it comes to broad spectrum censoring of certain materials, I get down right bent out of shape!  So in honor of Banned Books Week, I'm going to step up on my soap box for a minute!

It is RIDICULOUS that any piece of literature be banned from public.  It is equally ridiculous for you to want any piece of literature to be banned from the education system (with the exception of grade school and age appropriate material).  Let me explain...

Many of the top banned books are what we would consider 'classics':
  • The Great Gatsby - This book should be banned for one reason and one reason alone... the 7 page guest list that will bore you to tears.  No shit... I actually refused to read this book my senior year of high school because I could NOT get past this section.  Now I find out there's obviously some good sex in this book somewhere... well hell!  I should have read the damn thing!
  • To Kill a Mockingbird - Are you kidding me?  This is by far one of my favorite reads!  Then again I could totally relate to a little tom boy in a town full of bigots!
  • The Lord of the Flies - Creepy fucking book.  All Kindergarten teachers should have to read this before their first day of class.
Or on a more modern note, some of the top banned books this decade include:
  • The Harry Potter series - because we want to eliminate children's imaginations?
  • His Dark Materials (all three) - because the children kill god? (but did you bother to read 'why'... I loved this series!)
  • Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - because it uses the 'n' word?
  • Fahrenheit 451 - because it protests censorship? (my personal favorite book of all time)
  • The Goosebumps series - because it's too scary?
Are you kidding me?

You know what didn't make any of the top lists?  Shakespeare!  Murder, jealousy, suicide, unruly teenagers, sex, conspiracy, witchcraft...  But it's a CLASSIC!

You know what else didn't make the top list?  The Bible!  Because frankly the horrors, sex, and unspeakable acts in that particular piece of literature could put Stephen King, Anne Rice, and a million other explicit writers to shame.  My religious beliefs aside, even if I were a devout Christian, I would still tell you that this book is definitely not meant for children and has probably caused more damage (both physically and psychologically) than any other piece of literature in print.  Certain more so than some fantasy tale for teens.

The teacher in me wants to tell you...
I don't care what they read!  As long as they learn to love reading!!

6.  This Song is Totally Stuck in My Head!

Yeah yeah yeah... it's cheesy... it's Enrique Iglesias... and did I mention it's totally cheesy?

I'm not saying I need a hero or anything.  Lord knows I can hold my own against the world if I have to.  But damn... this song... something about it makes swoon... I think it's Mickey Rourke's character in the video.  Just something about it.  Damnit... I could just ramble stupid shit forever about it.  WHY IS IT STUCK IN MY FUCKING HEAD!!  Just shoot me!