New Years Resolutions

This is my official list of things I WANT to change in my life but will probably be too drunk, lazy, busy to accomplish them all in one year:

1. Exterminate the world of all peacocks!

Oh don't give me that "but they're a beautiful bird" crap!

THAT is not a 'beautiful' thing.  That is a razor clawed, evil-eyed, I will peck your brains from your nostrils MONSTER!
If you LOVE peacocks... you should watch Kung Fu Panda 2 about a million times in one week.  You will official never look at a peacock the same way again.  Evil birds.  Their evilness is topped only by one woman-hating rooster that I once met and should long since be dead now.

 

2.  Personally FLOG any asshole who creates something like THIS:

 

You see, I have a very logical AND artistic brain.  In theory, I would find this very COOL!  But contrary to modern belief, I DO NOT!  I find this very annoying!  Mind blowing actually.  And nothing irritates me more than having my brain explode all over my desk.  It's a real pain in the ass and all people who do crap like this should be tortured in my dungeons.  I think I'll force them to watch the Brady Bunch intro on repeat for hours on end!

3. Eliminate from my facebook site anyone who posts any of the following types of posts:

• • Oooh... Ahhhh... I'm in love. (twenty minutes later) OH!  He's just the greatest! (twenty minutes later) My life is complete! (twenty minutes later) MEN SUCK ASS!

  Okay, actually, I will probably only delete MOST of these people.  There are a couple who are just too damn entertaining to delete.  I save them for my antagonistic days when I know I shouldn't pick on my REAL friends!
  

  • FML!  I broke a nail!

  Really?  If I'd have known a broken nail was all it would take to drive you over the edge, I'd have bought you an emery board and press-on nails for Christmas!
  

  • Please pray for us.  Our roof is leaking!  Our car broke down!  And the dog puked on the carpet!

  I'm pretty sure God doesn't do roofs, vehicles or carpets.  Call a roofer, a mechanic, and buy a Bissel!
  

  • I hd a gr8 dy! HOP ur dy ws AWSUM 2!

  Do I really have to elaborate on this?  I didn't think so!
  

  • WARNING:  Facebook will start charging starting Feb. 2, 2045!  Repost this to be exempt!

  Ignorance is the lack of being educated.  That I can forgive.  STUPIDITY is CHOOSING not to be educated.  That is simply unacceptable!!
  

  • !@#$%&^%!@#%$^#%@$!%""""""""!@@#$$$#@@@!!**((($&&&@^^#%%%@^^#&$**%^^#&@**@((!**#& YOU ARE SO VERY SPECIAL ....!!!!...,,,<,,<<,,,,>....{[[[}]]]Ppp{[[P@@@55#^#&$8888&$&$6 SPARKLES AND CANDY ''''...,,,,..';l;l;'loio``````

  This does not look cute.  It doesn't make me feel special.  It doesn't make me smile.  It makes me feel as if you found it completely acceptable to PUKE all over my computer screen!  And frankly, I resent it when people PUKE on my computer screen!
  

  • YO BRO! HOLLA BACK! IMA BE IN ZA BURBS AND WANNA HOOKUP! HOWZ UZ DOING HO?

  Hey gangsta!  Your SpongeBob boxers are showing!  Keep it up and I'll tell your friends where your Hello Kitty tattoo is!!

4. Create a Zombie Apocalypse Escape Plan!!

Since the Department of Homeland Security decided to move THIS to a location in Kansas that is less than 10 blocks from my place of employment, I find this to be a very necessary and practical resolution!  Apparently, the U.S. Government has never seen Resident Evil.  However, I have!  And let me tell you something!  I don't need a knight in shining armor to rescue me from dragons, witches or evil step mothers.  That shit I can handle!  But in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, I will be in my attic bawling like a 4-year-old.

5. Convince the Ogre Child that we do not have to watch the same shit over and over and over and over again until Mommy's brains explode!

I've already explained that I despise exploding brain syndrome!  However, between 5 billion episodes of Horseland, 352,000 episodes of Dora, and 3 million times of watching Gnomio and Juliet... Mommy can handle NO MORE!!  We must watch new things.  We must try new things.  Or else Mommy is going to start thinking the garden gnomes are talking, the horses are plotting against us all and all little Mexican girls run around with no parents and a pet monkey!!

So your job, dear reader, is to find me a new ADULT series to start watching on Netflix.  We have already watched every episode of Xena Warrior Princess (which she LOVED) and all the episodes of Saving Grace (She had the theme song memorized by the end!).  I tried to do "Charmed" as I used to love that show, but apparently the witches in that series chant mysterious subliminal sleeping spells which make me pass out every time I turn it on.  Help me out folks.  We have no cable (because we got sick of their fascist pricing) but we have access to Amazon Instant movies, Netflix, and a zillion 'pirating' websites.  I NEED ADULT ENTERTAINMENT!  Top of the 'World Domination To Do List' is forcing Netflix to get NCIS and House MD on instant streaming!

Hope you all have a wonderful, happy, elated, fabulous, stupendous (which I find to be a pseudo-oxymoron of a word) and here's wishing you all the love, joy, laughter, smiles, and blessings that a new year can bring you.  And in the event the new year brings you more than you think you can handle... here's hoping you have an endless supply of Xanex and Gin!

Love, Peace, Chicken Grease

The PWT!!

I Don't Babysit Hookers!!

I didn't learn very many things from my grandfather.  Well, actually I learned a hell of a lot, but most of what I learned is a handbook of things you should NOT do.  At least not if you want to keep your family happy and in tack.  Totally besides the point.  I did learn one very valuable piece of advice!

If you never want to do something again, just make sure to screw it up really good the first time!

Tonight, I'm putting that piece of advice to good use.  You see, in their drunken stupor, The Queen and The Dutch decided I should be the designated babysitter for all of the hookers who'd had a little too much to drink.  Personally, if they can't hold their liquor, I say feed them to the crocs, but the Queen says that's bad business because the Johns like the pretty girls in their drunken stupors.  So as long as they don't puke on the good shoes, I can't feel them to the crocs.

I tried to sneak a few of the real trouble makers over next to the croc tanks in the hopes that they'd 'slip' and fall in.  But Princess Vet caught me in the act and reminded me how horribly sick the gators get after they've had 'bad sushi' and we were certain The Queen would put two and two together and take the lost gin fund out of my shoe fund.  Frankly, that is simply unacceptable.  I'm a SHOES before BOOZE sort of girl!

Anyway.  Since they took all the fun (by fun I mean blood, terror and gore) out of this babysitting gig, I've decided to bail.  Most of these dumb broads are so stupefied by the brownies they jacked from The Dutch that they aren't going to do anything but lay here and drool on each other.

Of course... someone has to be in charge.  So I left the only being who is A) SOBER B) COMPETENT C) BOSSY and D) BRIBABLE in charge:  The Ogre Child!

What?!?!

Yes!  She's FOUR!  But she's a Royal and she KNOWS it.  And she has no problem at all kicking those bitches where the sun don't shine.  Mommy left strict instructions to stay out of the liquor.  I told the O.C. these girls had been very naughty and they were all in time outs.  I also told her if she made sure they didn't get out of their time outs, then Gwamma would buy her a pony when we got home!!

I guarantee those bitches are staying put!

When I snuck out the back door, I could hear her telling the ladies it was story time.  I want you to notice her random love of SHOES.  Like I said, she's a ROYAL!!

A Sushi Named Lucky!

The Ogre Child received an aquarium and two 'female' betta fish for Christmas this year.  We'd done our research and everything indicated that two females could live in an aquarium together provided there was cover and enough room.  Prior to moving into their joint living arrangement, The Queen kept their private quarters adjoining so they could get acquainted.  She saw no signs of trouble so we moved them into their new Royal Fish Condo on Christmas Eve.

Since then I have closely monitored them to be certain there wasn't an insane amount of aggression going on.  Everything seemed to be going well.  There were a few flare ups and some pecking order being established, but nothing unexpected when you put two animals together.

Until this morning when the blue betta was MIA!

After 15 minutes of searching, I could not find the blue betta.  (Keep in mind this is 3 gallons of water occupied by a plant, a filter and 2 fish.)  Finally, after preparing the O.C. for the fact we would probably find the blue betta dead, I told Prince Charming I needed him to take the filter apart and look for a fish corpse (dead fish is worse than dead hooker!).  PC was more than thrilled since he'd been awake just long enough to have his morning smoke.

Lo and behold, the minute he went to work on the filter, the blue fish appeared out of God only knows where.  And the prognosis did not look good.

I snatched up the original small container and fished her out.  Upon examination she had a badly gnawed tail and was missing one of her 'swimmer' fins (according to O.C.).  But she appeared to be in good health and was obviously happy to be ALONE again.

Well shit!  What do we do with a gimp fish?  I can't flush a LIVE fish.  I can't put a gimp fish back in the aquarium with the evil REDRUM!  I won't keep her in a little box until she croaks.

So I call up The Queen (after all... this was HER idea).  After much arguing amongst us in which I informed her under no uncertain circumstances would I flush a perfectly good fish just because she was handicapped!  I told The Queen, if she was that heartless of a bitch she could come get her fish, take it home, and flush it down HER toilet.

Little did I know that in The Queen's mind... a handicapped fish missing a fin looked something like this:

But since I am a spoiled brat Princess, The Queen agreed to come handle the situation for me.

The Queen arrived and asked where the damn sushi was.  And much to my amazement, blue fish had NOT lost her 'swimmer' fin.  It must have just been injured so she was holding it tight to herself (or she is a mutant who can regenerate limbs).  Much to The Queen's amazement, I wasn't trying to send her home with a floating fish stick.

As The 'Cold-Hearted' Queen left with her blue betta, I heard her tell the 'sushi'... "Those big bullies!  We'll get you back home to your happy little bowl where they can't pick on you anymore!  You just ride there in the front seat until I get you home."

So I don't know what the O.C. will name her evil red betta, but I have dubbed 'her' Red Rum!  And The Queen is now the proud owner of a blue betta with half a tail named "Lucky Sushi"!

Someone let The Vet know she needs to find a prostetic tail for a betta because while we have no quams about feeding idiots to the gators, we are NOT going to flush a fish just because it's handicapped.

Happy Holidays from the Royals!

Twas the night before Christmas, the Royals were smashed
Tiaras were stolen; the cruise ship was trashed.


The stockings were stripped and hung from the lamps
And all of the hookers were acting like tramps.

The children were nestled (we hope) in their beds
For the best therapy won't get this out of their heads

The Queen had gone missing, she'd been wasted for days
And someone had raided our stash of AAs

The gators were drunk but so was The Vet
and who's banging the Captain is anyone's bet

I went on a hunt to find shoes I had lost
but instead found The Dutch in the pool with Jack Frost

The tree was adorned with panties and bras
And I swear that I saw a naked Mrs. Clause

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
Who the hell spiked my drink?  Are those fucking reindeer?

Santa knows we've been naughty, he just must not care
I'm just guessing of course, from his missing underwear

The Bartender is busy, with pour after pour
But she's still finding time to act like a whore.

"Now Bourbon! now, Whiskey! now, Gin and some tonic!
Oh, Vodka! Oh, Brandy! oh Tequila! I'm SICK!

To the nearest of decks! To the edge of the rail!
If you can't hold your liquor it's a Royal FAIL!

Wasting good liquor, we just can't afford
So those with weak stomachs are tossed overboard

Up on the heli-pad, the chopper comes in
Emergency rations and a few cases of gin

Found in the cargo are gifts in a chest
More booze and more batteries for every guest!

As the night drew to a close and the ladies passed out
The evening grew silent until someone did shout

"I've found Dutchess's brownies!" Let the fighting commence.
And with mouths full of chocolate, it all made more sense!

"Tis the season of sharing!", the hookers all said,
But when Dutch sobers up, they're all gonna be dead!

The Queen made an appearance, her face all aglow
But she's just after our batteries, and this we all know

These hookers are crazy, of that there's no doubt
But I've had my fill of this tramping about

So I'm off to my cabin, please don't bother me
I have no desire to catch some STD!

I've got a bottle of Crown, a case full of Cokes
The batteries and a carton of smokes

It's been fun, it's been real, but my Holiday's spent
Don't worry 'bout me, I'm really quite content

I've made my appearance, I put on a good show
Now I'm off to get a piece of that ol' "HO! HO! HO!"

So from all of the Royals, dear reader we say
"Here's hoping you have the best holiday"

And from PWT and Jolly Saint Nick
If you aren't on this cruise, than you must be a dick!!*

*not necessarily, but you are missing one hell of a party!!

HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Cerebral Auto-Correct

I am not a huge fan of auto-correct.  Much like Google translate, I find it inept.  Auto-correct on my Android causes my friends to think "I drowned a red gopher in the tomb" when in fact I'm positive "I found a dead hooker in the room!"  And don't even get me started on what it would say if I had been texting in Espanol and forgot to switch back to English.  "El fondo a feas folleto in te ruin."  (Which roughly translates to "The ugly background brochure in your mean."... keep in mind this is courtesy of Google Translate which is convinced my 'boobs' get congested when I catch a cold.)

So imagine my surprise when I suddenly discover that my own brain has adopted this annoying technology and is using it against me!!  What this means is that without even thinking about it, my brain forces my mouth to say what it thinks is the RIGHT thing to say, instead of what it would normally say. 

Example:

Friday 2:14 PM - Text recieved from teenage co-worker
"I don't have to be nice to you so I'm not gonna fake it, get over it."
My initial reaction:
"You can't know how little I care." (Thank you Monte Walsh)
However, my brain apparently auto-corrected me because the text I sent back was:
"What are you talking about?"
To which she explained what she'd heard, I explained what I said, and we sorted it out.

HOLY SHIT!  What has happened to me?  If I have to break out the lobotomists number again, we're screwed!!

I decided to ignor this example of cerebral auto-correcting under the pretense of "it's your job, you were handling things professionally, blah blah blah blah!"

Yet today was an entirely different story.  Today, my brain CENSORED me against my will!  That has to be a crime!  It's DIALECT RAPE!!  And I am greatly offended that I was denied the chance to use my snarky wit as a slap in the face to a jerk who totally deserved it!! 

Here's what happened.

I work in a department that is racially diverse  where I am the minority (thus explaining the texts in Spanish and the need to use Google Translate.)  Today was NOT a good day.  We are deep cleaning the entire building and it is long, tedious, exhausting work right before the holidays.  But it needs to be done and it's a huge help to what would otherwise be very small paychecks.  I don't mind hard work.  But when I come to work, I expect to have the things I need to do my work.  I'm not a 'stand around and milk the clock' sort of girl.  During a deep clean it is very difficult for our department to keep up with the unending demand for various supplies.  Right in the middle of impatiently waiting for the supplies I needed, both of our elevators decide to go haywire!! (They'd been fixed once already that morning).  So there I sit on the ground floor waiting for an elevator to get repaired so I can get the 100 pounds of supplies upstairs to actually accomplish something.  Sitting... sitting... waiting... when finally, the head maintenance guy says, "Sorry ladies, this is going to be a while.  I guess you'll have to take that stuff up the stairs!"

First, let me explain that this 'department head' is the type who would delegate someone else to flush his own toilet if he could get away with it.
Second, this building is pseudo-privitive.  'Up the stairs' means OUTSIDE and it's 33 degrees here in Kansas!!  Thank you, I think NOT!"

I stood up, and very simply said, "No.  I don't think that will be happening.  I'll take the stairs and keep working.  When YOU get the elevator fixed, I'll come get this stuff to finish my job."

And that's when the (insert colorful string of insulting adjectives here) IDIOT said, "Well, if you were a Philippino woman working in Saudi Arabia... you'd be done by now!"

*blink blink*

Many things popped into my brain in that split second afterwards and I couldn't help but wonder why the Philippino woman was in Saudi Arabia to start with.  But alas, I responded with, "I'm proud to announce I'm not a Philippino woman working in Saudi Arabia.  I'm a born and raised American!"

Wait for it...

wait for it...

...

...

That son-of-a-bitch said, "In other words you're SPOILED!"

*blink blink blink*

And that's when the auto-correct RAPED ME!!  I didn't even realize it.  I logically said, "Compared to some third-world country?  Yes, I'm spoiled.  But I work my ass off and I won't be ashamed of where I was born!"  And up the stairs I went.

The moment was long past when I realized what I SHOULD have said.  And I AM SO PISSED AT MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW!!  What I should have said to that (insert more colorful adjectives)  DIPSHIT who is in charge of the two hardest working Mexican men you've ever seen is, "And if you were a MEXICAN that elevator would have been fixed right the FIRST time!"

But alas, my brain has denied me that snarkism.  And I will continue to begrudge it until it makes it up to me with a moment of unadulterated SNARK directed towards some totally deserving asshole!

Have you been a victim of Cerebral Auto-Correct?  Am I the only one who has suffered from Dialect Rape?  I'm thinking I need a hotline right now.  You know... like 1-888-TEL-M-OFF!  I'm feeling very violated and vunerable.  I need a hug... better than that, I need someone to INSULT!!!

The Trial of the Century!

I've been mulling something over in my head for the last 72 hours trying to sort out the facts from the hurt feelings and the drama from the truth in a recent Royal fiasco.

Up until yesterday, the 'facts' I had received on the matter had all been received second-hand.  I am very aware of how strong emotions can play a role in how people perceive an incident and I make a point to try very hard not to get sucked in by emotional drama.  So instead, I set out to get the facts.

It is apparent that there are some hard feelings between CB and the Dame.  While both no longer go by these names, out of respect for their professional blogs I'm going to assume everyone reading this knows who they are and I will not mention otherwise due to the uncertainty of my judgement.

Before I present you with the facts of the trial, I want to make a few points very clear:

1. I completely support the posts, actions and reactions of the Royal family.  Each said and did what they felt was right given the information they had been provided at the time.  The Royal family may be loud, obnoxious, and even uncouth at times, but their hearts are always in the right place.  The only thing we value more than our booze is loyalty.  I will NOT condemn any of them for being loyal to the family.  I will NOT condemn any of them for stating their minds.  All charges against the Royal family have been dropped.
2. The facts that were presented in the case are not 100% scientific.  I drank the money I had stashed to hire a specialist so due to budget cuts I had to wing it.
3. I have excluded from evidence any 'fact' that is tangled up in hot-headed emotions.  Since this is not a democracy, I reserve the right to disregard any testimony I feel doesn't prove my point.
4. After the facts are presented, my verdict will be FINAL.  There will be no more fighting, bickering or otherwise bitching unless there is new evidence to be presented.

And now for the trial you've all been waiting for.

The Royals vs. CB

Presiding as Judge, Jury, and potential Executioner: PWT

The charges:
Desertion of the Royal Family
High Treason against a Royal
Public Attacks Against the Royal Family
and
Theft of Royal Property


The facts of the case:

1. In August 2010  CB was welcomed into the Royal family with loving arms.
2. In November 2010 CB left the Royal family under the pretense to 'get in touch with herself'.
3. In January 2011 CB made a comeback as The Queen of Mean, starting her own Kingdom and recruiting her own staff.
4. In March 2011 CB started a profession site to recreate herself.
5. That professional site happens to be in the same 'profession' as the Dame.
6. By December 2011 CB's professional site was as prosperous as the Dame's professional site.
7. The Dame knew about CB's professional site from day one (as is proven by a comment in the very first post dated March 25, 2011) but none of the other Royals were aware of the situation.
8. CB and the Dame corresponded between their professional blogs over the course of the next few months. (see Exhibit A: Correspondence)

   Exhibit A: Correspondence
   The following exhibit indicates how active each party was in commenting on the other's professional blog.  This evidence has been presented to show to what extent each party was supporting the other's activity:
   

   • March 2011 (last 7 days) - Dame to CB 1 comment - CB to Dame 2 comments
   • April 2011 - Dame to CB 3 comments - CB to Dame 9 comments
   • May 2011 - Dame to CB 4 comments - CB to Dame 14 comments
   • June 2011 - Dame to CB 0 comments - CB to Dame 5 comments
   • July 2011 - Dame to CB 2 comments - CB to Dame 9 comments
   • August 2011 - Dame to CB 1 comment - CB to Dame 9 comments
   • September 2011 - Dame to CB 0 comments - CB to Dame 1 comment
   • October 2011 - Dame to CB 0 comments - CB to Dame 5 comments

   In total, the Dame left 11 comments for CB and CB left 54 comments for the Dame.  The Dame's last comment was dated August 16th, 2011.  CB's last comment is dated October 20th, 2011.  This evidence was provided by Google Advanced search and is not 100% definitive.  In other words, I did not go through the 687 posts individually to verify that Google was correct.  This evidence will be reexamined if it is found to be incorrect.

9. Both CB and the Dame's profession offers many opportunities for contests and gifts.  Probability states that the more active you are in this field, the more likely you are to win and the more gifts you will receive. (see Exhibit B: Participation)

   Exhibit B: Participation
   The following exhibit indicates how active each party was in their profession over a certain time period.
   

   • In the 10 months prior to CB's site, the Dame had 18 documented wins and 170 documented gifts.
   • In the 10 months since CB's site, the Dame had 5 documented wins and 75 documented gifts.
   • In the 10 months since CB started her site she has had 36 documents wins and 98 documented gifts.

   Based on probability and odds of such activities, we can assume that prior to CB's site, the Dame was very active in contests and programs that offer gifts.  After CB's site, the Dame appears to have become LESS active in these activities.  We can also see that since the start of her site, CB has been very active in these programs and contests.  This information was collected through IMM posts on each website and is not 100% definitive.  In other words, I'm not stalking these ladies all over the Internet to see if they are participating in some underground operations.  Unless they've got bootlegged liquor, I don't care.

10. The main aspect of this profession is of course, the actual 'job offers'.  The rise and decline of these offers is a clear indicator of success in this field.  (see Exhibit C: Opportunities)

    Exhibit C: Opportunities
    The following exhibit indicates the estimated profitability of each person's profession and is being presented to indicate the potential loss or gain due to recent activity:
    

    • In the 10 months prior to CB's site, the Dame had at least 119 offers with 27 offers being the highest in June 2010.
    • In the 10 months since CB's site, the Dame has had at least 244 offers with 38 offers being the highest in October 2011.*
    • In the 10 months since CB started her site she has had at least 74 offers with 17 offers being the highest in November 2011.

    *The IMM posts from which this data was being collected end the first week of November 2011.  Therefor this number is actually based on a little over 8 months instead of a full 10 month time frame.
    This information was collected through IMM posts on each website and is not 100% definitive. BLAH BLAH... de ja vu!

11. Every blogger understands that the more often you post (and comment), the greater your likelihood of success.  Therefore it is relevant to know that in the 10 months prior to CB's site the Dame was posting an average of 46.2 post per month.  In the 10 months after CB's site, the Dame's posting declined to an average of 33 posts per month (a 28% decrease).  In comparison, CB's posting has been between 35 to 51 posts per month since the start of her site.
12. CB has publicly and privately testified on her behalf and I am declining to allow this information to be admitted into evidence in regards to the charges of Desertion and High Treason.  However, I will allow her defense to be admitted as evidence in regards to the charge of Attacking the Royal Family.  (See defense)
13. The Dame has not publicly testified on her behalf and I am declining to allow any information received second-hand to be admitted as evidence.
14. It is a fact that I cannot have 13 facts due to the overwhelming stigma associated with the number.  I will not allow the parties involved to declare a mistrial on the grounds of superstition.

The Defense (In regards to the charge of Attacking the Royal Family):
The defendant claims that there was no attack against the Royal Family.  That any statement made to the Royal family was made with good intentions in the hopes that the Royals would cease the personal attack against herself and her professional website.

THE VERDICT:
On the charge of Desertion of the Royal Family:

As I have said before, if Royals are nothing else they are loyal and had CB been upfront and honest with us about her situation and plans, I have no doubt that the Royals would have supported her and been nothing but professional in regards to her business venture.  We might be foul-mouthed and trashy on a cruise ship, but to think that we would have caused her any professional trouble had she been honest is to accuse the Royals of having no class.  I find her behavior to be dishonest, hurtful, and unreasonable.  This in turn has made myself (and others) cast doubt on her motives and words.Therefore, I, the Jury, find the defendant, CB,  GUILTY OF DESERTING THE ROYAL FAMILY!

On the charge of High Treason Against a Royal:

Evidence gathered in the course of this trial indicates that CB continued to support and converse with the Dame through her blog comments long after the Dame had stopped doing do.  Evidence also indicates that up until October 2011, there was no visible decline or damage to the Dame's professional opportunities.  The court does not deny the fact that CB is successful in her field.  However, according to the statistics I was able to gather on the pocket change I found in a throne cushion, all evidence points to the fact that the Dame still has a very prosperous website and is extremely good at what she does.  Further proof that the Dame is extremely successful in this field is the fact that while her posting and participation is assumed to have decreased in the past 10 months, her opportunities still appear to be prospering.  Based on this evidence, the court has no choice but to dismiss this charge and declare that CB is ACQUITTED OF HIGH TREASON AGAINST A ROYAL.*
*Keep in mind this is NOT a democracy, it is a dictatorship and I reserve the right to retry this charge in the event that new and solid evidence is submitted against the defendant.

On the charge of Public Attacks Against the Royal Family:

The court does not believe that the defendant was initially attacked.  The original comments posted on her professional site were polite comments: "Nice" and "You've come a long way since we knew you."  Had anyone ever found reason to track these comments back to their source they would have found a post titled "CB is a Wannabe".  Since that post in no way implimented CB's current professional site her readers would have had no reason to make any connection that might be damaging to her business.  It was not until AFTER CB decided to make her public announcement and link back to her professional site, that these posts were linked back to her business affiliates.  The court also believes that since CB started a business site using her 'iconic image' which is relatively well known among bloggers, or would be easily recognized by anyone who stumbled on a blog or award associated with her, that she was not nearly as concerned about her 'image' until the Royals found out.  Since the incident, she has shut down her blog to protect her image, but has NOT shut down other sites relating to her previous persona.  However, despite the courts feelings that CB reacted badly in this situation, I do not deny her right to speak out on her behalf.  The court believes that her defense is clouded by the strong emotions that we have all fallen victim to at some point.  While she may have over-reacted and quoted text out of context, I feel that she honestly believed she needed to defend herself against the Royal Family.  Therefore, the court finds the defendant, CB, NOT GUILTY OF PUBLIC ATTACKS AGAINST THE ROYAL FAMILY.*
*The court reserves the right to prosecute any 'private' attacks against the Royal Family should they come to light.

On the charge of Theft of Royal Property:

PWT is missing one trampish leather skirt, three pairs of expensive earrings, a diamond tiara and MY FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES!!!  Said items disappeared the night CB snuck out of the castle.  I find the bitch GUILTY OF TAKING MY SHIT!!!

THE SENTENCING:

For the charge of "Desertion of the Royal Family" the court demands the CB be stripped of all lands, titles, Royal holdings and exiles her from all Royal blogs.  Should she violate this exile without the expressed written permission of the blogger she will be subject to whatever punishment the blogger sees fit.  The court demands that from this point forth, she will be referred to only as "The blogger formerly known as CB".  And any Royals who choose to remain in contact with her must do so without involving other Royals.

For the charge of "Theft of Royal Property" the court demands the bitch give me back my shit (minus any skankism it might have collected amidst the 'professional' world) or else I will be forced to unleash my hoard of rabid garden gnomes upon her!!  Hell hath no fury like a rabid garden gnome trying to get it's master's stilettos back!!

POST TRIAL NOTES:

1. This verdict in no way implies that any charges or allegations against CB are untrue.  This is simply the finding of this court base on the facts it has collected.
2. This verdict in no way implies that CB is innocent of the charges for which she has been accused.  It simply indicates the court either does not have sufficient evidence to prosecute, and that the there were a lot of strong emotions involved in the case.  Or  it could just mean it's snowing in Kansas and The Lawyer and I are ready to get the HELL out of here!!
3. This verdict reflects the finding of PWT and the Empire I dictate.  It in no way reflects the personal opinions of any other Royal (but only because I haven't achieved world domination yet)

A NOTE FROM THE QUEEN:
The Queen has asked me to make it known that while ROYALS are NOT required to "play nice with others" they ARE required to act with HONESTY, LOYALTY and RESPECT in regards to each other.  This was clearly stated in your Royal Orientation (if you were sober) and is documented under Royal Decree 7-4.G1N.  Royals are expected to rally in the defense of each other and will continue to do so whenever the need arises.  However, as a Royal, you are expected to provide the facts and accept the responsibility for your own actions as well.  Royals cannot and will not be drawn into an issue if all the facts have not been presented.  As a result, the case between The Royals and "The blogger formerly known as CB" is considered a CLOSED CASE unless any member of the Royal Family wishes to step up with solid evidence.

A NOTE FROM PWT:
This verdict does not reflect my personal opinion of the situation.  It is merely a representation of the evidence I was able to collect.  I continue to stand by the Royal Family in all their actions and will fully support them in the future.  It is my personal opinion at this time that all parties involved had hurt feelings at the time of the incident and this severely impaired their perspective and judgements.  I believe that there are things that have been said that simply do not add up.  I also believe there is more to this story than I have been told.  I hope that both the Dame and CB can respect each other's professional blogs and personal lives as they have both ended their 'Royal' blogging careers.

A NOTE TO THE ROYALS:
Someone get my ass back on that cruise ship!  It's FUCKING COLD AND SNOWY HERE IN KANSAS!!!

Just a small change...

...for your viewing pleasure!