Remodeling the Palace!

It's my day off and frankly I'm in no mood to do anything.

Lucky for me, the local hooligans came over to play with the toddler and after two hours of trying to keep up with the 'big girls' the demon is passed out.

I've been working on a remodel off and on for about a week now and I think I've got enough of it done to display it.  So that's how I spent my day of (since Mom and CB are whoring it up at Prom!)

Hope you like the new look... (if not you can suck a dick because it's staying... for awhile at least!)

Make a special note of the new buttons for the Royal Bloggers ------>
And my new OFFICIAL blog badge which I totally expect you to steal!!!

Have a great weekend...
and if you're in Kansas stay away from Manhattan.  It's the Annual Hickville Redneck Reunion (aka Country Stampede!)  Need a visual on that?  It's Woodstock for Hillbillies!!  Complete with 150 half-naked tweenie-whores trying to score an STD badge and an equal number of Walmart Whales trying to 'bring sexy back'!!!  Add in 50 beer runs/hour, several gun toting 'patriots', and the blaring 'I shot your dog you cheating bastard' songs... needless to say every metalhead in a 50 mile radius is hiding out in their basement with a blunt because it's fucking scary out there!

Happy Dad's Day!

I refuse to celebrate "Father's Day".  It takes more than conception to be a father.  The man who provided half of my DNA is still alive and happily celebrating this day with his current wife and children.  As one of his first seven 'neglected' children, I hold a slight bit of spite about this.  For the last 15 years I have celebrated nothing about my official paternity.  Biologically, I might be half of his genetics... but he is NOT the man who made me half of what I am.

That task was left to someone much better...

pencil sketch I drew of...

MY DAD! 

The man who taught me everything he knew about the cattle industry.

He's the reason I work as hard as any man.

The reason I don't tolerate crap from anyone.

The reason I can appreciate old western movies.

He's the reason I can fix a fence, drive a tractor, and throw a hay bale.

The reason I read all the fine print when it comes to money.

The reason I love a good steak.

He loved me even though he didn't have to.

(And even though he didn't say it often.)

He taught me how to change a tire (if there's a backhoe handy).

Always reminded me to check the fluids.

And told me not to come home with anything penicillin couldn't cure.

My DAD was the greatest man I ever knew.

We miss him very much.

(Someone please get a tissue for The Queen because that sappy shit makes her leak!)

That being said... here's to the second greatest man in my life!

Prince Charming

Who blessed me with a beautiful, brilliant, and hilarious daughter.

While this amazing task is worthy of being the GREATEST man in my life... the fact that it came with 9 months of misery, stretch marks, and constant lip has cost him that first place ribbon.  But as far as runner's up go... he's a pretty good catch!

So last night I cleaned all the dishes and did all the laundry (tasks he usually does while I'm at work) so he could enjoy a relaxing day with his daughter.  I kept the demon-spawn awake until 3:30 AM in the hopes she'd sleep in.  I also helped her make a card for Daddy by having her trace letters.  Then we hid it so she could find it and give it to Daddy all by herself without Mommy.  She did just that at 7 o'clock this morning... so much for Daddy's child-free morning.

But still, I think they had a great day because they were both wired for sound when I got home from work.

So to all the fathers who are also great DADS... here's hoping that you had a wonderful day!

To all the fathers who think their only responsibility was getting the sperm into the womb... you don't deserve kids, let alone a holiday!

Just remember... much like Mother's Day... it's all over at midnight!

Want me fluff your pillow?

By now you should know that when I'm not pulling in tricks, I'm cleaning hotel rooms in the red-light district.  So per Jo's request, I've decided to share with you a few ways to make your housekeeper's life easier.  And if you've ever stayed more than one night in a hotel, making a housekeeper's life easier should be a priority.  After all, you are leaving me alone with your toothbrush and a toilet bowl!

10. It takes a housekeeper approximately 1 minute to strip, fluff, remake, fluff, and neatly replace a pillow on a bed.  A room with 2 beds has a total of 8 pillows in our hotel.  A housekeeper usually cleans a dozen rooms a day.  You do the math!  If you don't sleep with 8 pillows, do me the courtesy of sitting the unused pillows aside.

9. Put your trash in the waste baskets.  This may seem like a no-brainer, but as we all know, some people lack brains.  If you are staying another night, I will NOT throw away your trash unless it is obviously trash.  I once threw away a Macy's bag sitting next to a trash can.  It looked like trash!  The next day we were digging it out of the trash because the woman's brand new shoes were in the bottom of it.

8. Yes Jo, piling up your towels does make my life easier.  You can also hang and reuse your towels (most hotels acknowledge this as eco-friendly). Not using a towel is a plus.  Not using the shower... even better!

7. Bring a sleeping bag and sleep on the floor.  Okay!  I'm kidding.  Though I certainly wouldn't object to it.  But seriously... if you have a double room and only need one bed... don't trash the other bed.  Don't eat on it. Don't put your dirty shoes on it. Don't let your dog shit on it. Don't fuck on it. 

6. Keep your shit tidy.  Again, this may seem obvious... but alas.  Let me explain.  I don't want my feet tangled in your underwear while I'm trying to make your bed.  I don't enjoy dusting around your dildo.  And if I accidentally step on your laptop because it's buried beneath two pairs of jeans and hidden by the bed skirt... don't come bitching to me.  I'm there to make a bed, not psychically detect the electronics you tossed on the floor next to the used tampons!

5. Leave Fido at home!  Okay... that's not really fair. We used to travel with our dogs, they were family, I get it.  But there are guidelines for 'travel-worthy-pets'.  They should be potty-trained (duh!) and they shouldn't bark for 8 hours straight (you aren't the only guest in this hotel!).  That being said... don't let them eat the remote, groom them before hand, keep them off the furniture (except the beds you are sleeping on), kennel them when you're out, and for the love of everything holy... do not get them wet!!!  That smell cannot be removed.  It sticks in our vacuums for months!

4. Do NOT use the glasses provided for your convenience.  This is for both our sakes.  Let me make this easy for you.  It takes about 5 minutes to take the dirty glasses to my closet, get new ones (if any are clean), get new lids, return and place them neatly on the tray.  It takes 30 seconds to wipe them out with Windex!  'Nough said?  Thought so!

3.  Check out on time.  Better yet... check out early!  I know... You have a hangover, you don't know who the hooker is laying next to you, you've lost your pants, and you have to get the phone book to figure out which city you are in.  Unfortunately I have a job to do and all I care about is getting it done and going home.  I'd rather not wait around 3 hours doing nothing because your head hurts.  You can go quietly... or I can break out the 100-year-old vacuum that sounds like a 747!  Your choice!

2. Use your Do Not Disturb sign if you're staying.  This automatically relieves me of cleaning your room that day (provided you don't take it off before I leave work).  Worried the dead hooker chopped up in the trashcan might start to smell?  Need new towels because the others are soaked in blood?  Not a problem, simply let me know.  I'll be happy to dispose of the evidence in exchange for not having to clean your room.

1. This is by far the MOST important thing... TIP!  Yes... I know.  Money is tight in this economy.  But on average, I make $1.50 to clean your room if you're staying and $3.00 if you check out.  I know you tipped that ragamuffin whore $5 for bringing you a watered down drink made with cheap liquor, so the least you can do is drop a buck to the bitch who wipes down your fucking toilet seat and picks up the towel you wiped your crotch with!!

And with that being said... here's to anyone who prefers camping over a hotel and anyone who sleeps in their car because their too broke to afford a room!!  As for the rest of you... if Santa saw your hotel rooms he'd give your presents to me!!!

Day Off (continued)

Like I said... I sort of had a day off on Tuesday.  And while we had a great evening (despite the stupid meeting) it totally threw me off for Wednesday.  I was beat!  I didn't even get off the couch until 11 am (except to cater to the toddlers milk/food requests because she needs that shit or something!)

So yeah... did I get more spinach planted?  No...

did I get the laundry done?  No...

did I clean anything?  No...

     well...

          kinda...

I did clean out the craft cabinet and organize my art supplies then started to tackle the linen closet.  But considering this whole project took something like 10 hours, never got finished, and ultimately left a bigger mess than I had to start with... I'd say it's a fail for the day.

I didn't even feel like checking facebook!

(yeah, I thought about calling a doctor!)

Wednesday was just shot!

The accomplishment of the day was taking a bath!

*sigh*

But here my darling readers is the visual glimpse into Tuesday.  I wanted to post them with Tueday's post, but I had to wait until today to get the pic of me from my coworker.  Better late than never.

That's right... total HOTNESS!!

The hair could use a trim and new dye, but I'm holding off for a bit longer.

But seriously... does that look 30?  I don't think so.  I think they screwed up on my birth certificate!  The Queen is totally scandelous like that!  I'm sure there's a mistake because I do not FEEL 30!

And yes... I suppose I'll show off Prince Charming with his mini-helper!

Looks just like him doesn't she? 

 Acts like him too. 

Certainly doesn't have my charming personality! 

I keep trying to tell him he cheated on me and she's not really my kid, but he continues to deny this scenerio.

I was so looking forward to an easy day of work today, but some dumbass at the front desk decided 'we have empty rooms... we should sell them!'... What did that mean for housekeeping?  Instead of 60 rooms for 6 housekeepers with mostly stayovers... we ended up with 98 rooms with mostly due outs!  14 rooms each (thanks to laundry who filled in cleaning and spared us each 2 more rooms!)  It totally bit balls!

On the bright side... the boss complimented me today on my beds.  This is a woman who hands out compliments like they were gold bullion!  I can literally count the number of times she's complimented my work... on one hand!  Today she told me my beds were PERFECT!  Not good... not nice... PERFECT!  And not just one... ALL OF THEM!  I about fainted!  (It's seriously that rare!)  My conclusion... she must have got laid!

So here's hoping you all have a wonderful weekend.  After today, mine should be a cake walk!  The hotel is booked so the greedy bastards at front desk can't surprise us by selling more rooms (unless they start renting out the roof!).  So here's to people who leave the do not disturb sign up all day or only want towels tomorrow.  The rest of them are assholes!

My day off...

Well... sort of.

We had a 7 pm meeting at work.  Mandatory!  Failure to appear would result in disciplinary actions... because I'm really concerned about a 'black mark' on my hotel housekeeping record!

(and before I forget, you can all thank Momma Fargo for breaking the blog silence by placing her BloggersAward vote!  The rest of you are slackers!  You officially fail and are being forced to repeat the entire course!)
But anyway... since work was accommodating enough to allow my 3-year-old to attend, I showed up.  With bells on!  Not literally... but do you know how often I actually get out of the house these days? 

Zero... zilch... nada! 

I have an entire wardrobe of clothes, shoes, purses, etc... that I LOVE!  Unfortunately, 5 days a week I'm stuck in black slacks and a comfortable shirt covered by a hideous French Maid smock!  I get ready for work in 15 minutes.  There's no point in makeup unless I want to look like The Joker after 6 hours of cleaning dirty showers and wiping sweat from my brow.

And on my days off... pajamas!  If you're lucky and I intend to drown in the humidity outside, I might put on a pair of capris.

So... OMG!!  I'm getting out of the house... in public... in town (as opposed to the city park).  Whatever will I wear?!?!?!?!?!

A bright fuchsia shirt,

grey slacks...

and... 

I'm starting to get bothered here...

HIGH HEELS!!

Oh... and did I stop there?

HELL NO!!

I popped on the fuchsia eye shadow!

Bright lipstick!

Mascara! 

(oh yes, I totally did!)

Earrings!

My diamond ring and my emeralds! 

(no cheap summer costume jewelry here.  This shit's from Zales!)

That's right... I was rocking it!

And my best girl totally noticed... because she always does

(I love having lesbian friends!)

And after the meeting was over, I took the demonic angel to the park...  Did you know that my child can pick up an entire Estee Lauder handbag pull of toys AND put her shoes on in 30 seconds if you say the word "park!"  It was AMAZING!

Of course we didn't get there until 8:30, which really only leaves an hour to play before it's pitch black.  Despite it being a relatively safe town, once the last of the kid-toting adults started to clear out, that was this single white woman's cue to exit.  Post park we zipped over to JJ's to see the PC (and totally show off my HOTNESS!).  One lemonade later, PC made a sandwich to take to The Queen (because she's refusing to cook and we can't have her starving to death), so we jetted across town to see her before she started work.

The spawn could barely handle the visit with Grandma... she was so exhausted.  As we left the parking lot she randomly explained, "We're never going to get honey now!"  It took 4 stop lights before she explained that she liked honey because it was tasty.  (I'd love to live in her mind for about 60 seconds!)

Gas and cigarettes and we left town to the tune of "Twinkle twinkle wittle star..." followed 5 minutes later by, "Goodnight Mommy!"


But the REAL point of this post was this...
Why in the hell do companies insist on making their employees go to stupid training seminars when they could sum it up in maybe 2 sentences?  I'm not exaggerating here.  This was the entire meeting.

1. 2 groups (older employees, newer employees)... Pop quiz!  Question #1... how many songs mention our business?  Answer... NOT EVEN CLOSE TO OURS!  4 more random and pointless questions.
2. Worksheet: Circle all things you find important when communicating.  Answer... you're communication style.  (I could have told you that!)  Divide into groups by communication style.
3. Exercise:  Plan a vacation for the entire staff, money is no object.  Result... each group made plans in the exact fashion that their communication style would indicate (this was actually very cool... but irrelevant!)
4. Brainstorm:  What are the needs of our customers at different points in their hotel stay?  Answer:  THE OBVIOUS!  Kind, caring, considerate, hassle-free service.  They want to feel LOVED!

This seminar took 90 minutes!  Compare that to the 5 hours it is supposed to take (we love our manager!) and it's a bargain!  But compare that to the 5 minutes it could have been done in if this world wasn't filled with STUPID FUCKS and it's more than a minor irritation on my day off!  And certainly not worth a couple slices of half-assed pizza and the 32 cents I made after paying for gasoline!

But still!  It gave me a rare excuse to dress up and feel like the sexy MILF I am as opposed to a frumpy hotel maid!  And with that... we bring you the song of the day brought to you by Question #1...  ENJOY!

The Pimp Better Get Paid!

Yes... I have to do everything!

I'm pimping out these bitches because they are nagging and needy and fussy... and when they get whiney they just don't bring in the money.  No one wants a pouty whore!

So whether you like it or not... you're assignment is to go vote.

The Queen is dying to become THE FREAKIEST BLOGGER!  She's wanted it for years!  So make the old bitch happy then she'll shut up... for a minute!

And in case you are like me... and think she should drink more and whine less... you can also vote her  MOST OBNOXIOUS BLOGGER!

And yes... this involves signing up if you don't already have an account... but think of all your other blog-buddies you can impress by voting them sexiest, smartest, horniest, etc... or you can just poke fun of the bastards when they lose.

And I can't leave the ever whorish CB out... (because she bitches louder than Mom!)

So if you're going to all this trouble... vote for CB's nominations which include...

BEST BLOG OF ALL TIME

BEST RELIGION BLOG (this is a total joke and you so get bonus points if you vote for this one!)

and

HOTTEST MOMMY BLOGGER (which I'm only promoting because I refuse to put pictures of me up!  I'm sooooooo much hotter!)

And yes bitches... I totally ignored the BEST HUMOR BLOGGER... because you're both nominated and I refuse to pick sides!  Fight it out amongst yourselves!

But like I said... The Queen has been dying for this award... and she's never going to shut up about it.  So to prove that I am the BEST daughter... I refuse to post again until at least one person goes and votes for her!

THE FREAKIEST BLOGGER!

I told you it was a frigging assignment!

Now do it... or we won't have recess, or blog posts, or any more fun because The Queen will be irritating me to death!

DO IT!!

Oh. I will SOOO check your work and

YOU ARE BEING GRADED!

Skank-tastic!!!

I got my first 'official' blog award!

Oh, sure... the queen gave out awards a while back, but she was handing them out to everyone like methadone treatments, so yeah!  I took mine an ran before someone recognized my face!

But the skank-alicious bitch, CB actually designed one especially for me!

Tell me that doesn't just rock your socks off!?!

I'm totally flattered to get such a prestigious award from this tramp!

And to quote one of my favorite movie lines...And with that... I had to build an awards page...

"Since when is being a slut a crime in this family?" -- (Practical Magic)

so go check out my Pretty Wonderful Tits

And if you're in the market for killing time (or just bored to death)

go to Probably Wasting Time where you will find my favorite gaming addiction...

Granny Nanny should probably avoid that page for the sake of her sanity.

T-Shirt Tuesday!

Everyone loves a good t-shirt, right? 

The classic comfort clothes. 

And I'm all about a t-shirt with a humorous phrase on it.

But skimming through t-shirt designs I began to wonder...

Do people actually buy some of the shirts? 

And if so...

Do they wear them?

Case in point...

(maybe you should think about it... because I can totally see your tampon string!)

(coincidentally that rhymes with SLEAZY!)

(Really?  I'd love to use it as a stupidity muffler!)

(it doesn't say you're a GOOD fuck!)

Are you kidding me?

Are you seriously that desperate, insecure, oblivious, whorish?!

I've got the perfect shirt to go with these...

I guess if you're going to the bars, it's nice to state the obvious

(in case you get too drunk to tell someone).

In that case, the next time I go out drinking I want a t-shirt that says this...

Oh... and while I'm at it...

Who else thinks CB should totally wear this shirt for her next V-blog?

I know, right!!!  SO HER!!!