Monday, November 22, 2010

Royal Roadtrip: Day 4

When you pile this many people onto a bus and fill them with liquor, it's hard to find the sense of humor in this sign.
Coffeepot didn't believe us when we said we didn't need to wait for a rest stop.  Are you kidding?  I said, "I HAVE TO PEE! PULL THE FUCK OVER NOW!"  And like a bunch of clowns climbing out of a pacer we lined those asses up roadside for a good ol' squat and wave.  That man on the motercycle nearly ate asphalt at the sight and I'm pretty sure I saw a little old lady slap her husband to make sure he kept his eyes on the road.

We spent the entire morning enjoying the sights and 'smells' at a nearby recreational area.

Afterwards, I vaguely recall hyjacking a FritoLay truck and holding him hostage.  Thankfully, with all the ladies having withdrawls from their 'extracurriculars' he was easily convinced not to call the authorities.  A few BJ's later and we were fully stocked in the munchie department.

The Queen gave us all a tour of this facility and hinted at a new rewards/tuition program she'd be starting up as soon as we all returned to work!

And since everyone seems to be so concerned about how the gators are doing back home, I got a special gift for Miss C to hang up when we get home.

So far, I think everyone has managed to keep all their fingers and toes... though a few brain cells have probably been lost forever.

Don't forget to check out the road trip stories from the rest of The Royals.

Have a great Monday!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Royal Roadtrip: Day 3

I think it's Sunday.  Is it Sunday?  If it's not Sunday we're definately going to hell!

Y'all know I'm not a church going woman, but I'm pretty sure this roadtrip is considered a sinful on every level.  I'm dragging your asses to confession!!

And frankly... this is the only church I could find that looked that they might be forgiving of our actions!  Get your asses in there and REPENT!

Ya... you too!!
Put that out before you go in there!  Jesus tits on a biscuit!!
Good!  Now that we've gotten that over with...
Amy needs to reload our stash since we seem to be getting a bit low.
Next stop...

And then hold on to your horses ladies!!

We're making a stop here so we can all gear up! 

Hope you had a wonderful weekend! 
If you're the church going type, you might say a special prayer for the Royals' today.
If you're not a church going type, no worries!  With the way this weeks going, Hell will be full of great company. *wink-grin*

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Royal Road Trip: Day 2

I don't know who in the hell thought it was a wise idea to wake me up at the ass crack of noon, but after I have a cigarette, some coffee, and find a pair of underwear, I'm going to kick their ass!!  And why the hell does this bus smell like urine and fruitcake?

Has anyone checked on the kids yet?

DUTCH!!  You really need to lock that stash box before you pass out!!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Royal Road Trip: Day 1

Got a memo from The Queen to pack my bags and meet the bus in Kansas City for The Royal Roadtrip!

I took one look at that bus and made an official declaration.  I'M ON TOP!!  That's all there is to that shit.  I don't really care if Coffeepot sneaks a few drinks and shaves the top half off on an overpass, but it'll be damned if I'm going to risk getting some bitch's puke in my hair because she forgot to yell, "fore!" before puking out the upper level window!

Secondly, I'm COLD!  If at any point in this journey this bus decides to take it's journey any farther north, I'm getting off.  That's all there is to that shit!

With that, I walked to the back of the bus and plastered a SUNSHINE OR BUST bumper sticker on that baby!

While I was waiting for the late arrivals to stagger their way in, I skimmed over some maps so I could make some suggestions on our destination.  I highly suggested we check out the locals in Climax, KS or Hooker, OK.  About that time, Dutch stumbled off the bus and mumbled something about going to Cookietown, Oklahoma ASAP!!  I made a point to cross Amsterdam, MO and Roach, TX off the list.  Dutch definately doesn't need to be encouraged!

I finally decided that navigating this train wreck was hopeless.  I gave Coffeepot the heads up that with all the women in the bus it'd be in his best interest to avoid Ragtown, TX at all costs.  He was pretty sure he could avoid it if we detoured through Threeway.  I gave him the 'in your dreams' eye roll and headed upstairs to stake out the back 3 rows of seats.

It didn't take long before I was raiding through the snack bins for cookies. 
It didn't take long before I realized I'd raided the Dutchess's 'special' cookie stash!
After that... things got pretty hazy for a while...

The next thing I remember was a bus load of lunatics screaming, "GO EAST!!!"

I looked up in time to catch a glimpse of this sign.

This is definately going to be an interesting trip.  Stay tuned for more exerps from the journey.  And don't forget to check out the rest of the Royals for their stories, secrets, and misadventures!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Since We've Clearly Thrown CLASS Out the Fucking Window

Okay, some people choose to use their REAL names on blogs!

Want me to show you how fucking stupid that is?

One name, less than 10 minutes of my time, and I was able to do the following:
  • Access the facebook pages of the person, his wife, her son, and his daughter.  Due to their lack of using privacy settings, I was able to read the walls of everyone except the daughter.  Should I have chosen I could have jotted down/printed photos, current towns, interests, education, and other personal information about them.  And guess what?  Since it is open to the public on facebook, it is considered PUBLIC DOMAIN and I could do almost anything with the information.
  • Get a home address and phone number.
  • Stumble on some very interesting public records from 2006 and 2007.
Now, if I were a total fucking bitch, I'd make this blog a bit more interesting for my readers by publishing this shit.  But despite someone's total lack of manners and ethics, I can tell him to EAT SHIT AND DIE while still maintaining a certain level of class and dignity!

That's not to say I won't make a huge stink out of this shit if it doesn't come to a screeching fucking halt.  It's just to say...

Imagine how much information I could find if I was really putting forth an effort?

So here's a tip of my crown to anyone who WISELY chooses to remain ANONYMOUS on their blog. 

There really are some SICK FUCKS out there and it's scary what they can find out about you!!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Let Me Introduce Sybil

Anyone who REALLY knows me should know that I HATE DRAMA!!  I'm a 'life-is-too-short' type of girl and I simply do not have time for childish bullshit.  Luckily, when you grow up in a fucked up family like mine, you get used to the middle-school crapfest.  I happen to have been born with a special Charlie Brown mode which I activate at the first sign of idiocy.  From then on all I hear is WA-WAA-WA-WAA-WA-WA-WA-WAAA!  And it works well for awhile.  Unfortunately, on rare occasions, the stupidity factor is so high that the system goes into overload and must shut down for a total reboot.

When this happens, I am suddenly bombarded with the incredible FUCKTASTICNESS of an individual or group and I have no choice but to open my mouth.  Much like a Midwestern tornado, this moment strikes with little or no warning.  If the fucking siren is blaring in your head you should probably seek shelter in the nearest underground location or interior room of your house.

If you aren't hearing a siren right now...


Here comes Sybil!!!

Yes, that's me.  No, it wasn't Halloween.  Don't ask!

Ever heard the term
Let me enlighten you!

If you happen to let your foul-mouthed drunken wife get away with saying this:

The stench of your cunt disperses among the land like "skunk stink".
to any other living being... then you are GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION!

If your wife slips into a jealous rage and accuses random women online of this:
I like the "slut" in a women, but I don't understand a woman as yourself doin' "donkey acts" in Mexico, and , from what I gathered, you did it for free, and it was your idea.
You are a fucking idiot and GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION!

If you admit to having any sort of relationship with a creature who would say this:
Cave men would beat you over the head, not to take you home, they'd beat you " just for the "fun of it".
 to ANY woman!  You, my oblivious fucktard, are GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION!

If you defend, justify, or otherwise ENABLE your significant other to say things like this:
If I had one question to ask the "good" Lord above, it would not be about world peace, it would be'"why did you create someone as ugly as The Queen.
than you are just as bad as her and are GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION!

And if you do not step up and put a stop to another human being saying things like this:
If I were as ugly as you, I woulda done myself "in" a long time ago . . . Ever think of killing yourself?
then you are nothing more than a douchebag who gets their rocks off watching a bully in action... You are GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION!

It is NOT enough to say "I'm sorry for her actions".  It is NOT enough to meekly tell her to "Stop."  This sort of behavior is beyond the realms of reality.  This is the crap that drives teenage girls (and boys) to kill themselves and if you are standing idly by then your are just as responsible.

Maybe you think it's different because her words are directed at a 50-something woman.  But what if they weren't?  What if there was some 14-year-old girl on the other side of that blog?  What if the person she was directing her 'outburst' at was a little less rational?

Her behavior is WRONG on so many levels that I cannot even comprehend it.

You can scramble this shit up in your head all you want until you are whining like a bitch because it's UNFAIR to YOU.  But the idea that you have no control over your spouse because you're at work is a fucking cop-out.  If she was killing people while you were working would you help her hide the bodies?

And when the person she is attacking finally lashes out (at you BOTH) you don't get to come back and say, "But, but but but but... it's not my fault!"  BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!  Put a fucking leash on the bitch!  With that kind of personality, you might try a muzzle too!  And if that doesn't work, I hear euthanasia is painless!

Sure, you can hem and haw and say I'm in a tizzy because the fucking TWAT MUSCLE you're married to said this nasty shit about MY MOTHER!!  Not my blog-Mom... not my step-Mom... not my sorority Mom... my Real-Life-Squeezed-Me-Out-Screaming MOM!  So yeah... I'm a bit pissed off.  But I gave myself a couple days to cool off because I'm rational like that (and I thought I liked you)

No!  You don't get to tell the person who was verbally attacked that they need to stop.  No!  You don't get to point the finger back at them because they DISHED IT BACK!  No! No! No!

And you don't get to whine and try to make people feel sorry for YOU!  You married her!  You stay married!  You haven't called for an intervention (or an exorcism!).  YOU haven't INTERVENED!  That makes you a SPINELESS, TINY-BALLED, ENABLER who is

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Mother Nature Has No Manners!

That bitch just took a big white crap on my lawn!

Are you fucking kidding me?  Okay, so it's November and her bowels get all sorts of loose about now.  But I'd really appreciate it if the bitch could reduce her fiber intake to a minimum.  I'm in no mood for her chilly flatulence and icy defecation!

Top 5 reasons I hate winter:

1.  I don't wear bras!  Which means come winter I could easily break into the jewelry counter at Zales.  Not shitting you, by Thanksgiving I'll be putting a whole new meaning to "Turkey's Done!"

2.  Snow puts an end to my 'clothing optional' lifestyle.  That's right folks, my usually naked ass instantly stops shaving, grows a winter coat, and dons the flannel underwear for the entire season.  This in turn puts a damper on my fan base.

3.  Cold feet!  Cold ass!  The thermostat could be set at 90 and you're tongue would still freeze to either of these body parts.  You could chill a bottle of wine between my butt cheeks in the winter.  And since Prince Charming works nights, there is no one to share the wine or warm up my frigid butt!

4.  Heating bills.  I find it extremely fucked up that my heating bill goes through the roof at the exact time that business slows at the hotel and so many wives are cuddled up with their husbands (to keep their asses warm).

5.  Roads and college kids from Alabama.  It's bad enough I live off a five mile stretch of roller coaster hill - one of which is a suicide dropoff on a sunny day.  To make matters worse, I work in a University town.  Icy streets + Alabama rednecks who've never seen snow = a wreck on every corner.  I'm not afraid of my own driving.  I'm a skilled midwesterner who is experienced in the NASCAR tactics required to maneuver craptastic roadways.  I am, however, terrified of the other idiot behind the wheel who thinks they can drive 15 miles over the speed limit on black ice.
Tomorrow morning at work, I intend to call a staff meeting of our housekeepers.  I'm pretty certain if I offer up my next paycheck one of those No Hablo Ingles Mexicans can smuggle me across the southern border to something warm and sunny.  Of course I'll have to take some extra security with me because my co-workers from Juarez claim I would be kidnapped in Mexico.  My bodyguard is good, but I'm not sure she could handle it single handedly.  And I know the Royals!  There's no way they're giving up their hard earned booze and drugs to rescue my mouthy ass.  So I guess I'll have to beg The Green-Eyed Brat to run away with me.  If we get another winter like last year, I'd even forfeit the beer tab crown to the bitch just for the company!

In the meantime, I expect security to kidnap some NASA scientist and figure out the exact science behind global warming so I can increase my efforts to speed it up!  Until then, if you need me, I'll be outside letting my car run for no reason, randomly spraying hairspray everywhere, and I might go buy a few cows to release some methane farts. 

Desperate times call for desperate measures!!

Have a great weekend!!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Kicking Off MY Weekend!

Yeah I know you're all a bunch of lucky bastards who get your weekends on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

But since I work in the hotel industry, I've traded TGIF for TGIM.  An agreement between myself and my super assures I have every Tuesday off.  I tell her it's because Prince Charming works that day (which is true) but in truth, I could probably work and still be home in time for him to leave for work.  Really, I just like having one day every week that I don't have to guess on.  Need to make an appointment 3 weeks from now?  Schedule it for Tuesday.  But mostly I just use it as a day to sleep in and vegetate as much as possible.

Lucky for you though... this week it's not just a lonely Tuesday off.  This week, I have Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday off!!  Woohoo for my three day weekend!!

And in honor of my improv Holiday... you get the new fall layout!!

And... I'll let you see what kept me up until 3 AM last night.


I received this floral comforter from my favorite Aunt and Uncle when I married Sir Suckballs back in 2002.  It really was pretty eight years ago, but since then it has been terribly stained, and washed to a point of lumpiness.  The seams were starting to rip and the flowers had faded badly.

Now normally, the only hope this comforter would have left is as part of my emergency winter kit in the trunk of the car.  Luckily, 2 Christmases ago I bought myself a sewing machine on Black Friday... and then never took it out of the box.

It's not that I didn't want to use it, but at the time we lived in a tiny apartment with a toddler and nowhere to work on sewing.  Since our move into our new palace, I actually have space to sew, but never the time and inspiration at the same time.

Yesterday, I finally bought the thread for the machine and some pretty ribbon on sale for 50% off.

I came home, pulled out the machine and the ugly comforter.

I had some old black sheets that used to hang on my bedroom walls (my solution for color in an apartment where painting was forbidden) and went to work...

By the end of the night I had put together a small comforter, pillow case, and decorative pillow for the O.C.
Now I'm not nearly as talented at The Queen when it comes to sewing... plus I'm rusty... plus I really HATE pinning things... so my seams aren't exactly perfect but the only critic is a three-year-old who is just tickled pink by her new bedding.

The only bad thing is that now I've got an itch to sew random things.  And since I come from a long line of dumpster divers and recyclers... nothing in this house is safe!  ... well... Prince Charming's underwear are probably safe... but that's about it.

And while I have you here... see that AWESOME doll?  The Queen picked that up for The O.C. and I absolutely love it.  I've looked it over, googled it, and everything else I can think of to identify it.  It's definitely store bought and not homemade.  If you happen to recognize the doll I'd love to know what she is.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Lamp Revamp!

One of the perks of working at a hotel is...


These lamp shades were bound for the dumpster because of the dents in the canvas.

Being the loving, caring, and compassionate person I am... I rescued them and brought them home.

I took one and removed all the cracked canvas.
With a little help from the PC to remove the old glue, I was left with one metal frame.

Now then.  Upstairs hiding in the corner of my loft office was UGLY LAMP.  There's always been something about this lamp I loved enough to make me hold on to it (though God only knows what that something was).

Isn't it just VILE?!?!

Yeah... I'm almost embarrassed to admit I've owned this lamp for more than 10 years!

And you should all remember the uniform fiasco which brought us the UGLY PANTS!!

Now you didn't really think I got those pants to wear did you?

No, I loved the fabric's pattern, but I had no intention of ever letting it touch my bare flesh again!

Instead... I rescued all three ugly items and turned them into THIS!!

If you look close you'll see in the reflection that I still need to add two sides to the lamp shade, but I'm pooped for tonight!

No more making up stories about how it's probably some Royal heirloom that is worth millions.
It is now a beautiful lamp that I can proudly display.

Final Cost
Shades.... FREE
Lamp.... FREE
Fabric... FREE
Paint... about 50 cents
Enamel... $1
TOTAL... $1.50
(Plus eight hours of my hard work)

Though it was probably more like $1 because half of the enamel got spilled...
on my white couch!

No worries on the couch... it's already stained, I keep a cover on it, and besides... the EX-husband bought it and I got it in the divorce and left him with a futon.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Blogger Brainstorm

I have a project for you...


is the personal abode of the Ogre Child
(minus some small furniture additions - vanity, storage, etc. - that have been added since the photo)
a rare glimpse of cleanliness!

If you cannot tell from this photo... IT IS HUGE!
This room is bigger than my master bedroom.
In total it's about 1/3 of our second floor which would make this room something like 400 square feet.  I do believe I've had apartments smaller than that!

"What," you ask, could YOU possibly do to help me with this?

I want to decorate it!

It's very 'clinical' and un-kid-friendly as far as my creative brain is concerned.

The O.C. would like her room to be PURPLE.

Now she might be thinking

But Mommy does have to look at the room so I'm thinking
(only more lilac)

And being the 'artistic' individual I have this uncontrollable urge to paint a mural in this room!

And therein lies my dilemma.

The O.C. is not exactly a girlie girl.  She likes kitties and dinosaurs and cars and blocks and rocks and getting messy.  She has a thousand dollies that just lay naked in a box while I trip over Lego's and breaking my neck on Hot Wheels every day!

So here's my ideas so far...

  • I want to paint something using just the purple with black and white details.  This thing is huge so I need to keep it simply on some level.
  • I want a lot of vertical elements (trees, floating things, etc.) so that it's not just a border around the room.
  • I want it to be something that will be 'neat' for a long time.  Like I don't want to paint this room again until she's a teenager and can do it herself!  LOL
  • I keep leaning to something Tim Burton-ish because... well... I'm twisted like that.  The problem is I've gotta knock the 'scare' factor down because she's THREE.  I don't want her creeped out so bad she won't play in there, but I still want that 'mature' cartoon effect so that it will grow with her.
  • I could also lean towards an Asian style of animation with the round 'Mario Brothers' trees and stuff.  I'm not really dead set on a theme yet.

What I will NOT do:
  • I won't turn this into a 'Disney' bedroom.  If that's what I was after I'd save my time and effort and just buy the decals to go on the walls.
  • I do NOT want a girlie girlie room.  I know The Queen has already said there has to be a 'castle' on the wall... but I know my daughter and she's NOT a girlie girl.  Much to the dismay of relatives she's not going to be the Girl Scout Ballet Princess.  She's more likely to be the Skate Park Karate Brat.

And if you can't tell by the neurotic rambling of this post... my mind just goes into overload each time I think about this.  I have so many ideas in my brain I can't even sort them out.

So... being the totally AWESOME bloggers that you are... I want ideas.  Even if you think I'll reject them.  Give them to me!  (I'll love them even if I don't use them).  And even if all you've got is something totally girlified... tell me.  Because one of my favorite ideas right now is pretty 'girlie' but I still might use it.  It just depends on what other inspirations I get.

In case you think I'm being lazy asking you all... I've just spent 3 evenings browsing decorating photos and deviantart pictures for ideas... I'm on creative overload.

Give me something to work with people!!

Have a wonderful week!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Creative Tease

You'd think I'd have slept last night... but NO!  Instead, after all the excitement of Halloween... I stayed up until 3am.  "Why?" you ask.  I was inspired!

I like my Spooky header so much I decided to get a jump start on the next seasonal change.  I know once the holidays start to sneak up on me I'll never have time and I'll be disgruntled that I didn't do it sooner.

So I spent a good 3 hours redesigning the original layout in a fall and winter theme.
(So in case you were worried, rest assured, I'll be around for a while...)

And while I will NOT show you the final projects... (what fun would it be if I spoiled the surprise for you?)
Being generous... and possibly tipsy... I'll give you a preview of them.

Fall Header Preview

Winter Header Preview
Now I don't make any promises of special "Holiday Editions" for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years (and you can totally forget about something special for those holidays I can't spell or pronounce)... but you never know when a creative streak might hit again.  Maybe you'll get lucky... you'll just have to keep reading me long enough to find out.